Am I to blame? Please help!

[Loula84]

Last night we were having a slight argument (nothing major). He grabbed me round the throat, pinned me to the bed and pulled my hair really hard. I yelled at him to let me go and when he did I was so livid I slapped him and told him that no man is ever allowed to do that to me. As a side note I have been a victim of rape in the past so being pinned down particularly affects me. I tried to go to the bathroom but he followed me there and tried to get in and then followed me to the spare room. I was so angry with him that I pushed him and punched him. I repeatedly told him not to touch me and he wouldn't listen...kept trying to hug me and kiss me against my will which only made me more angry.
Today, he is saying that he is the one with the bruises and that it is my fault. He refuses to listen about what he did to me. I said that I was going to call the police on him and he said I wouldn't have a leg to stand on as he is the one with the bruises. I admit that that I did hit him really hard and kick him when he wouldn't let me go. Could I be the one in trouble here?

[Loula84]

Ps I am totally fine with people saying I am at fault here. I shouldn't have hit him but to be honest I was so fucking raging. Don't touch me if I say not to! I am not putting up with that sort of shit anymore.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Wow. Please end your relationship immediately.

[LockdownLoser]

You aren't to blame at all. He was physical to you and you understandably lashed out.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I don't think either of you should be in a relationship.

[Loula84]

Thanks so much. The problem is that I have no marks and he has a couple of bruises. This isn't the first time he has done this either. We had both been drinking so this is used as the excuse. He acts as if it never happened and just tells me to stop arguing with him without acknowledging what he has done.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Please leave now, before he kills you.
Grabbing your neck is a late-warning sign.
He wouldn't listen when you said no.
He kept coming at you when you hit him - he wanted those bruises to undermine your claim that he attacked you.
Tell the police.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

This isn't the first time he has done this either

Who has marks is irrelevant.

Why have you not ended this toxic relationship? That's what you should be asking yourself.

[EthelMayFergus]

Sounds like self defence, you reacted to his violence. Hope you're able to end the relationship.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I hope to god the pair of you don't have any kids and that you're using contraception.

[category12]

OP, what you need to do is end the relationship.

Being grabbed by the throat/strangled is a strong indicator of potentially being killed. It sounds dramatic, but it's not. It's very easy to kill someone that way even if it wasn't supposed to go that far.

Once there's violence, your relationship is FUBAR and time to quit.

[Shayisgreat]

That sounds like a really scary relationship. You deserve better. Do what you can to end it and leave him.

[DandyMandy]

This isn't your fault. You defended yourself and I know a lot of people tend to criticize women for doing that, but you had no other choice. If you did nothing and he ended up beating up or raping you, you would be blamed for not defending yourself. Now he's playing the victim even though afterwards he tried hugging and kissing you without your consent. Please leave this relationship. This man is an abuser and things will get worse.

[WendyHoused]

Get out. No one can ever, ever grab someone by the throat. Not OK.

[Loula84]

He went out to the shop afterwards and on his way back in the next door neighbour spoke to him and said to keep the noise down. They had obviously heard me screaming. This makes me feel so embarrassed and ashamed. At least I don't live with him anymore. I got a promotion about 6 months ago to purposefully move to a small town to be with him. He did something similar there and the neighbours called the police twice and he spent the night in a police cell. I retracted my statement as felt bad and thought I was equally to blame. I'm now stuck in a small town with no real friends (apart from work colleagues who are lovely) while he moved back to the town 75 miles from where I left. He keeps blaming me for causing arguments and I believe him. I'm so trapped now.

[Loula84]

He keeps bringing up all the things he has done for me and bought for me which have been a lot. This is why I feel bad when I try to end it. I also know I'm the only person he has and am scared he will try to kill himself if I leave him. He has alluded to it in the past.

[Joistlooking]

You are not safe. Please leave him.

[Seenoevil33]

Please don’t see him anymore. Report to police and get an order to keep him away.

My ex-fiancé did this once - I was in court within a week to get him out of my house and keep him away -and I had a child with him! I grew up with an abusive father and know the damage this does in a family -constantly living in fear....
You will not regret leaving him xx

[Keepingthingsinteresting]

He’s manipulating you- please end it. None of that stuff was your fault, and you don’t need a reason to end a relationship, but you’re going to get hurt.

[Giraffey1]

He has form. He will not change. Dump him. You do not need him in your life.

[Voice0fReason]

Leave him. He is dangerous and he will hurt you.
Then he will blame you for making him do it.
This will never improve.

[HugeAckmansWife]

You are not trapped. Change the locks. End the relationship by as short a text as you can manage. Ideally, bag up any stuff, including stuff he's given you if you want to and give it back via a neutral 3rd party or even post it. There is not one single reason why you should stay with him.