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Help me be strong

(13 Posts)
oneplusthree Thu 23-Jul-20 19:43:53

Long time lurker and very occasional poster.

I have been with OH 16 years on/off. We don't have much of a relationship or maybe I'm asking for too much, I don't know.

We have 3 children together, and I'm stuck in a vicious circle of him being vile and nasty to me, then he walks out but a few days later manipulates me into letting him back. I'm now in my 30s and I don't want to live this life. But then he is all I've known since my teens. He has said some horrible horrible things to me today and walked out again.
I want to call him but then apart of me believes in everything happening for a reason.

I'm torn and I need strength to stand my ground.

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oneplusthree Thu 23-Jul-20 20:13:02


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BraverThanYouBel1eve Thu 23-Jul-20 20:17:58

Read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay book. A relationship can be too good to leave, or it can be too bad to stay, but it can't be both, and the book helps you decide which one is it.

BraverThanYouBel1eve Thu 23-Jul-20 20:19:50

Women's Aid are very helpful too. It is a common misconception that physical abuse is somehow more damaging or more serious than emotional abuse but this is not always true.

tenlittlecygnets Thu 23-Jul-20 20:19:59

Do the Freedom Programme.

Are you happy? What is your relationship teaching your dc? What does he bring to your life?

You and the dc deserve a lot more.

Giraffey1 Thu 23-Jul-20 20:22:32

This is no way to live and is not a healthy relationship, but I think you know this. It’s a rubbish model for your children too. Do you have family and friends you can confide in? They could help you leave this horrible excuse for a partner.

oneplusthree Thu 23-Jul-20 20:35:21

@BraverThanYouBel1eve I will look for the book, thank you.

@tenlittlecygnets I have days where all I do is cry and then days where I think the relationship is ok. I don't know if I've ever been truly happy recently. But then will I be happy alone?

But I know I don't want my children to think this is healthy.

@Giraffey1 I have family I can talk to but they believe I should just be over it and I can't switch off the last 16 years just like that. I just need someone to hold my hand and say everything will be ok.

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Comtesse Thu 23-Jul-20 20:42:31

Break the pattern OP. Sounds awful.

Neveranynamesleft Thu 23-Jul-20 20:44:50

This relationship is your life and all you know and , quite naturally, you probably have a fear of the unknown if you were to take yourself away from it ?

Nobody knows what the future holds but please try to look at it as a new chapter in your life. You are obviously not happy where you are, please try to move away, move forward and dont be afraid. Something or somebody wonderful could be waiting for you, until you take a chance you will just never know.

oneplusthree Thu 23-Jul-20 20:52:07

@Neveranynamesleft your first paragraph sums it up perfectly. I have never been on my own. I went from my parents home to moving in with him.

He has this evil dark side to him that only I see, everything I do is never good enough. I'll buy him something/something for the house or cook something new or wear something new and he will critique me. It's like he's less of a man if he is ever complimentary to me.

I recently got my first job after being a SAHM and I didn't even get so much as a 'well done', he just wanted to know how childcare arrangements would affect him.

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oneplusthree Thu 23-Jul-20 21:18:09

I just want peace

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Giraffey1 Thu 23-Jul-20 23:23:36

Well done on getting a job. This is a great step on a new journey towards independence. Of course it will be hard to move out from under that 16 year shadow, but you can do it and you must do it. You deserve better, and I promise you, a better life is waiting for you!

oneplusthree Fri 24-Jul-20 16:19:52

@Giraffey1 thank you.

I need to keep telling myself upwards and onwards but not one part of me believes it

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