Divorcing but having doubts. Help!

[BlancheW]

Been with DH 16 years, married 10 years. 2 kids aged 4 and 6.

Things were good for the first 12 years but then he got more and more committed to work and I never saw him. We had basically no relationship at all and I eventually told him how unhappy I was. We had counselling but we found it divisive so stopped.

Then we limped along for another 2 years. I was working part time 24 hours a week, he was full time and I was also doing 100% of everything else. He refused to help with anything as I chose to work part time. My job is very demanding.

Then I became full time doing 46 hours a week but over 3 days. He still refused to help on principle and laughed when I said that I work full time too.

For months he didn’t look at me or talk to me much, despite my mother dying during this time. She was living with us during lockdown and I was her carer, on top of my full time job, looking after the children and the house. We have a nanny who comes on the days that I work.

Eventually we agreed we couldn’t go on like that and he suggested divorce. I said yes immediately and we are going down that route.

However, since we agreed to split, because the pressure is off now, he’s being really nice. Talking to me, looking at me, making me the odd coffee.

We had a day out yesterday as a family and I keep thinking, what are we doing? Why are we splitting?

I should add that he has harboured some big resentments from the past including: he feels that I came between him and his friends. The truth is they all moved abroad with work. We saw my friends more because I arranged things. He didn’t arrange stuff.

He feels that I came between him and his family. He has no real relationship with his parents but that’s down to them and because of arguments between him and his Mum. He feels we haven’t spent enough time with his brother who he adores. I think he has a point there.

He also has a big hang up about two things. One from 12 years ago. I really wanted these more expensive light fittings for our home and he feels like I pushed him into it. And I also wanted something more expensive at our wedding 10 years ago. I never would have pushed for those 2 things if I thought he would bring it up every 6 months for the next 10-12 years.

So what now? Continue with the divorce? He’s had an offer accepted on a flat nearby.

It just all feels so silly and such a waste. He’s still living with us until his place is completed and refurbished so likely until January.

[BlancheW]

When I asked him if he could help with bathtime the other night because I was exhausted he said, “No, because I work full time”. I do too! And my job is stressful. I don’t want to say in case it’s outing but think ITU Sister managing very sick Covid patients.

[BlancheW]

Last year I was broken and crying with exhaustion. I asked for his help and he said send a list of everything that you do and I’ll help you. I was still part time then. I sent him the list and he never replied. I chased him up a few days later and he implied I was nagging him. Then he looked at the list and said sorry I can’t do any of them. He said he could do but on principle he won’t because I chose to work part time.

[DoorstoManual]

Do what a friend of mine did wasn't 100% convinced she was doing the right thing, continued with the divorce, let him back into her life slowlypost divorce then realised that he was still an arse and finished it for once and for all.

[BlancheW]

But now I’m remembering the old him who seemed to love and care about me. And I feel it’s all so silly and such a waste.

[DoorstoManual]

Having said that, he presents as an arse right here and now.

[GolfForBrains]

Reread your own posts! Your doubts will vanish.

(If he's being nice now that will hopefully translate into a good co-parenting relationship. But remind yourself he is being nice now, in your own words, "the pressure's off". The decision has been made and that's why it's off!)

[celticmissey]

What a complete arse and a layabout! Is he being real sending you a list and then refusing to help? Send him on his way - maybe when he realises he has to do his own washing and clean his flat he'll realise how much you did in the house. Sorry OP from what you've said you're better off without him. A nice family day out is just that one day - away from the mundane realities of life - but they still need doing dont they? and he'll still be a lazy arse..he won't change OP!

[InkieNecro]

He's still an arse, refusing to parent only the other day. Continue with the divorce and don't let this niceness prevent you from getting less than your entitled split of assets. He could be nice so you don't want to rock the boat regarding finances.

[back2good]

Divorce him. He's a selfish arsehole who thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger or be a true partner in life, even though you work full time hours, too. Who does that to someone they profess to love?

You'll be better off without the selfish wanker.

[rottiemum88]

Oh OP, he occasionally makes you a drink now and deigns to look at you? Please pull together all the self respect you can muster and realise how abominably low your expectations are now that these things are taken as positive signs. In your shoes I'd 100% be continuing with the divorce and not looking back

[Campingintheraintoday]

I left my dp of 7 years . Took our 4 x dc that he never did anything for expect work to pay the bills...
He spent 6 months convincing me he had changed. Took the dc swimming, mostly I went due to dc /adult ratio rules.. Took us to his dps caravan.. I had always took dc alone..
We got married..regretted it within a fortnight .. Didn't last a year.. He hasn't changed. I had just blotted out his bad bits and saw the new reformed him. Fake. All fake.
You have ripped the plaster off now op. Allow the healing.

[Notonthestairs]

I think it's quite normal to have second thoughts - but none of the original issues have gone away and he shows zero signs of wanting to resolve them.

I'd continue with proceedings but possibly hold off from applying for decree absolute if you are still wondering what to do.

Have you reached a financial settlement- that tends to flush things out.

[CodexDevinchi]

Your actually in the same spot as me, I have a 4 and 7 year old and I’m 41 I’ve recently separated from my husband. Pressure is off now and I’m finding myself again. He is a fantastic dad and was never abusive but over time we both lost respect for each other. We get on really well now. He is mindful of me and helpful. However I seen flashes of temper and misogynistic side of him that I can’t unsee.

But - I read the book too good to stay too good too leave and because of that I know I’ll be happier with out him in the long run. The book isn’t about splitting up specifically in fact it shows you if your issues can be worked on to stay in your marriage but it also clearly helps you figure out if you’d be happier leaving.

It was a lightbulb moment for me. It was so clear and I don’t regret my decision. If we can continue to co parent in this way we are then I see this as a success and not a failure.

Maybe some people are not supposed to stay with each other forever. I’d rather be happy and certain of my own future than in a mediocre marriage limping along. I’m starting a new chapter in my life and I’m really looking forward to it.

Read the book.

[Sakurami]

He sounds like an arse. Refusing to parent his children, watching you struggle and blaming you for stuff that isn't anything to do with you.

And what's with bringing up stuff you chose to buy years ago?? You're entitled to make purchasing decisions. It's not affected your life has it?

[BlancheW]

Those purchasing decisions I might add... the flat that we sold got a record price and many of the viewers commented that it was very high spec.
The wedding spend I accept was money gone but it was 1.75% of the cost of the wedding (I just worked it out!).

[BlancheW]

I think he struggles to be flexible. So the fact that I probably said years before having children that I would stay at home, be the homemaker, go back part time but still look after the home. He’s probably fixated on that because THAT’S WHAT WAS AGREED. Similarly for the wedding budget and house renovations budget. He probably was stressed that those two items were outside of what was agreed.

[BlancheW]

He sometimes has to look to others to see what a normal emotional reaction should be (in my view).

[BlancheW]

Once something is decided, it’s decided. So from his perspective we’re getting divorced and we just need to get it sorted. He struggles with a change of plans.

[BlancheW]

From his perspective he would be horrified to be called a layabout or lazy. He thinks he works very hard to earn the money. My job is very rewarding but not great pay.

[kazzer2867]

he has harboured some big resentments from the past

What i've read is a man too lazy to organise his own life and wanting to blame you. Who harbours resentment for some light fittings purchased 12 years ago. He sounds like a complete arse.

I don't think I could forgive a partner who wasn't supportive when my parent died. For me, him making me the odd coffee and a family day out would not make up for his previous shit behaviour.

[BlancheW]

My financial situation is such that we have to get the decree absolute through asap so I can complete on the remortgage before my salary drops.

[footprintsintheslow]

He sounds very lazy and chauvinistic and quite tight with money? What are the good bits?

[BlancheW]

When my Mum died she was frail and poorly and he wasn’t able to give me any emotional support at all. Because he has no relationship at all with his parents he just didn’t get it. He seemed surprised that I was upset. He actually said he was wishing she would die when she lived with us because he felt she had a smell. Our nanny went home and cried one night because she felt he was unkind to my poor Mum.
He’s a very rational person and wouldn’t want to be a burden to anyone else so he couldn’t understand my Mum living yet being frail/a burden.

[BlancheW]

I had actually thought he was a feminist until recently.

He’s not really tight at all. He’s very generous. I have managed our finances for years and he’s very hands off. Except for these two examples that he keeps bringing up.

[BlancheW]

I’ll read the book. Thanks Codex.