First of all I know that we are very lucky as we have not as yet been ill with the virus, or if we have, we have really had it asymptomatically or mildly. Also, we have a roof over our heads and even though we have less money than we would have had without the lockdown, we will be okay. And of course I know that many people are struggling both physically and emotionally with what is going on.
But I can feel myself spiralling and I am posting to reach out for advice or words that might help me get out of the hole I can feel myself falling into.
When lockdown happened I was working for an agency doing temporary admin work, and that dried up, so I haven’t had work throughout lockdown (I now have a permanent job that starts mid August so I am very lucky and grateful for that). I am a single parent to three teens, so we have all been at home together.
I have been on my own with my dc since April 2018 after going through a really horrible divorce (well the divorce came through later, but April 2018 is when my ex finally moved out after months and months of being estranged in the same house and going through the awful divorce). I divorced my ex due to the silent treatments he used to subject me to which used to last for weeks and weeks, the fact that I walked on eggshells around him to an extent, and that I was out of the loop completely in terms of large financial things – I felt I had no control over what was also my future and he refused to discuss things like this. Anything that he didn’t want to talk about he would get cross about, consequently by the end our relationship was completely dysfunctional and toxic. There had also been no affection for a very long time, and it is years and years since he was interested in sex – it would be me who initiated every 6 weeks, and by the end much less than that (maybe 2 or 3 times a year), and that was soul destroying as well.
For years I knew that we should separate but I was very scared, and also worried that all my dc might decide to go and live with him. What has happened has been the opposite however. For ages my ex lived somewhere not suitable for having people over, but now that he has moved, my dc still hardly go there. In normal non pandemic times my ex used to come to the house and be with them after school while I was at work, but obviously that hasn’t happened for ages. My youngest has been at his house probably 4 times in the last few months, and my eldest once. My middle dc suffers from anxiety and hasn’t left the house at all during lockdown.
My ex and I do not communicate at all. There might be the odd text that I send about something that he answers, but there are also others that he ignores completely (he used to ignore them all but it has got a little better). We haven’t spoken to each other face to face for years now, and we don’t cross paths or if we do from a distance, I can never bring myself to look at him (when I picked up my dd from his house for example and was parked up on the street outside when he came to the gate with her) or initiate any kind of hello for fear of what his reaction may or may not be or how I would feel. I guess there is a lot of hurt and anger there – he has been or is very resentful of the fact that I stayed in the family home (the settlement meant that the assets he got equal, more or less, the value of the house) and I guess that that never goes away. I feel strange as well and the house itself is a permanent reminder of the dysfunction and of everything that happened.
I think I am never really going to get over the family rupture and the dysfunction of it all, and even though I am in a much better place than I was, that grief is still there. I feel that we should all be together as a family, but then I remember the really difficult sides of my ex and I know it’s not possible.
Last November / December I signed up to a dating site and did eventually come across someone whose profile I really liked, and we went on 7 dates. I probably wasn’t ready for all this however as though I felt very happy when I was with him, between dates I was extremely anxious in terms of would there be another date etc… Anxious to the point that I even lost weight (put it all back on and more during lockdown!!). So when he said that an ex from a long time ago had got in touch with him, there had been a lot going on for him and that he wasn’t comfortable dating me, I was upset, but I had also reached the point where I thought that actually I couldn’t cope with the anxiety of it all. Despite that I felt really awful for about 4 weeks – even though we hadn’t got together as such – there had been a couple of very awkward kisses and that’s it. But I really liked him and it did feel like a kind of bereavement.
During lockdown we got back in touch and messaged quite a bit – especially during the more intense weeks when the death rate was really high and it was such a roller coaster. Some of those messages were very affectionate – kisses (but I do that with a lot of my friends), and I guess they were supportive of each other – he is definitely one of the people who helped me get through that part of the lockdown – there were about 4 or 5 people I was in touch with. With my ex date there was kind of a crescendo which culminated in a week during which we messaged a lot and there was one evening (he had had a drink he said so that might have been it) when he said there was a particular date that we went on when he should have kissed me, that I am very lovely and should be told that often, and that he could imagine sleeping with me. I mentioned the fact that we might see each other at some point and we both agreed that that would be nice. There had also been a message from him a couple of weeks before that when he had said that as soon as lockdown was over we would be able to see each other.
However, what has happened is not that – after the week with loads of messaging, there was less messaging, and I kind of assumed that that kind of intensity is difficult to maintain when there is no hope of being able to meet for who knows how long due to lockdown. Then the rules changed to being able to meet a friend in the park, and he did not say anything about meeting up, and hasn’t said anything about that since. I might do some volunteering for the charity he works for at some stage but to be honest I don’t know if that will happen. I don’t know what I am trying to say – I guess that part of me has been thinking that we might meet up at some stage, but he told me the other day that he has been to the pub twice, so I guess that if he wanted to see me, he would have asked me. Also, it tends to be me who initiates messages (though he has done it as well) and he did tell me when we were dating that he generally rarely gets in touch with friends so I guess that is part of who he is.
So now I feel kind of bereft all over again and it feels shit. We messaged a bit over the past couple of days, but when I answered his message last night there would have been the opportunity to take the conversation further if he had wanted to, but he didn’t. And suddenly it feels awful. How can it be that I have felt on a rollercoaster about this person on and off for the last six months. I get the impression that he might be the kind of person who falls in and out of infatuation quite easily – I know that when we were meeting up he told me about the 6 people he had been on dates with during summer 2019, two of whom he had got into really intense messaging with before even meeting (he called them affairs), but when they then met the connection wasn’t there. It wasn’t quite the same with us because there was an attraction between us and we did go on the 7 dates, but the messaging that happened during lockdown feels a bit like an infatuation which is over, but we didn’t even meet up and I feel very sad about all of it.
I think maybe love and physical attraction have a different currency for different people, but for me the interaction I had with my ex date was huge because I am, after my ex husband (who was my only relationship ever incidentally and that’s a large part of my story in a way) I am completely love and that kind of affection starved.
The other big thing that has happened recently is that I have told my youngest that she can’t go to an overnight party (a trip away) she has been invited to because there would be too many people there (in breach of current guidelines) and she has gone completely over the top in an effort to pressurise me to change my mind. The pressure on me is relentless and I feel terrible about that too because in normal times I would love her to go away with her friends, and I feel very sad for her. She is sleeping at the moment but when she wakes up it will start again.
And suddenly it is all too much – after months of holding it together during lockdown, I don’t know how to do it any more. It’s as if I tell myself things which protect my mental health and to keep me going – one of them will have been the thought that I might meet up with my ex date – but then you realise that it’s all a load of hot air and doesn’t actually exist, and I have come crashing down. In many ways I am lonely.
Like everyone else my normal support networks have been suspended – I go and stay with a relative every so often normally and that helps me, I had joined a group therapy group just before lockdown but that isn’t running at the moment of course – so though I have contact with a few friends and meet up with 2 or 3 of them quite regularly, I feel so alone some of the time. Again I know that many people do, and I can’t imagine how hard lockdown has been for people who are completely alone.
Once a week I volunteer in my local pop up food bank, and that has been great and I have also met some nice people there. At some stage that food bank is going to be stopped as it was a during lockdown thing (though the mutual aid group will carry on doing other things) and I am feeling really really bereft about that as well – it’s like a well of never ending sadness and grief. A lot of it linked, like for everyone, to the pandemic.
So I don’t know what I am even asking. How can I get out of the downward spiral I can feel myself falling into. Plus I so would like a real loving and affectionate relationship but I have spent so many years on my own (even while married as it was a very lonely place to be) I don’t know if that will ever happen. It is years since I have been physically close to a man (my ex husband) in an affectionate and loving way and I don’t know how to do it. That’s one of the things which happened with the person I dated in December and January – he interpreted my shyness as lack of interest and he himself was not very forthcoming so we never got past that.
How do I feel better about him and the interaction we had during lockdown which seems to be over (the intensity of that week and the affectionate exchanges, though we still message occasionally and he was lovely when I got my job for example). It didn’t really bother me because we like each others’ posts on Instagram and that feels like a connection (that’s a bit pie in the sky and teenage like but just telling it how it is!!) but after yesterday it suddenly really upsets me.
That’s the other thing – Instagram has kind of kept me going through lockdown – posting one photo a day of something really nice and I can see what a handful of friends are posting which is nice – but then you realise that that’s no substitute for a real relationship and real interaction.
Just feel so bereft and all over the place and I don’t know how to get out of this frame of mind or how to keep going. Sad about my ex husband, sad about the family home which he is not in and I am and the guilt about that, sad about the guy I dated and the not knowing what happened there, sad about losing touch with the people from the pop up food bank and losing that closeness due to the fact we were all working towards a common lockdown goal, sad about my daughter not being able to go on her trip, sad that she is going to spend all of today pressuring me, sad that my kids are in this weird limbo, sad for my middle dd who has OCD, sad that so much of life is still out of bounds due to lockdown rules, sad that I might never meet anyone, sad that the pandemic happened (understatement), sad and worried about the upcoming recession.
So yes, if you have managed to read this far thank you very much, and if you have any insight or thoughts I would really appreciate it. I have the same anxious bereft feeling I had when my 7 dates ended, and I don’t want to feel like this. It's as if I don't know what to think of all of this to make it feel better, and my mind is bouncing around the place desperately looking for something to hold on to.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can feel myself falling into a downward spiral - long
downwardspiral1 · 22/07/2020 08:08
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