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Was my friend taking advantage of me?

(37 Posts)
quirkybird3 Wed 22-Jul-20 06:30:39

A few months ago we had a brief falling out, because she doesn't drive and asked me for a lift which I couldn't manage. It was not particularly important, although possibly to her. Was to get a friends child's bike fixed which her child had broken. Previously I would give her lifts no problem, but I now work full time and it's difficult. I had my own plans for the weekend which she said weren't important...I felt this to be offensive as it's my time and not hers to judge.
However, she apologised a few days later, said she valued my friendship and was going in a taxi.
Yet now she's fallen out with me again...
This time it was 6pm and I was just on way home from work and had family plans for the evening.
She said her drug addict brother needed help as he had checked himself out of a mental hospital and needed picking up, she was begging.
I said I couldn't and she told me not to bother with her again as I'm no friend.
I have helped her in the past and I feel now she is taking advantage of me. I am currently trying to stop being such a walkover so am enforcing my boundaries.
Have I been too harsh? I feel she must see me as a bit of a mug and I told her so but got no reply.
I feel like friendship shouldn't be transactional but not sure if I'm right here.
What do you think?

OP’s posts: |
cariadlet Wed 22-Jul-20 06:40:45

YNBU

I don't drive but have never asked for a lift anywhere from my friends. I walk or get a bus, train or taxi. Friends will sometimes offer me a lift to somewhere or a lift home if we're out together but I don't expect it. I choose not to drive so it's my responsibility to sort myself out.

It's even more entitled to ask for a lift just for something the non driver wants to do than to ask when a non-driver and a driver are going out together.

gryffindor1987 Wed 22-Jul-20 06:41:11

I wouldn't bother with her again op . I can't be dealing with friends like these always expecting something off you . I couldn't drive for years and I wouldn't go phoning me friends when ever I needed a lift I would bus or even walk .yoyr life will be less stressful without her x

SarahBellam Wed 22-Jul-20 06:42:03

It sounds like she sees you as a free taxi service. How does she treat you when you are unavailable? Do you think she’d have apologised if she hadn’t needed a lift for her brother?

readingismycardio Wed 22-Jul-20 06:49:52

Before I got my driving license and a car I NEVER asked for lifts. I'd get a taxi, a bus, whatever. If someone offered I kindly accepted, but never asked. She's rude and demanding. Definitely not a friend. get rid

BillywilliamV Wed 22-Jul-20 07:00:33

I'd probably have picked up the brother if I was just at home with the family. However she'd already burnt her boats with the bicycle thing hadn't she?
This is an object lesson in restricting asking people for favours to when you absolutely can't manage yourself.

claireyjs Wed 22-Jul-20 07:04:30

I'm not be giving anyone lifts right now. You cant be socially distanced in a car. Only myself my kids and my parents ( support bubble) are going in my car right now.

IndecentFeminist Wed 22-Jul-20 07:04:50

I would have helped with the brother. Bike, no.

Thingsdogetbetter Wed 22-Jul-20 07:05:52

I actually think this was a boundary too far. Her brother is obviously very unwell and I presume she's panicking and very worried hence the begging. It's a family emergency and although you are not obliged tp help acquising her of taking you for a mug when she's desperate for help and support was unkind. If he checked himself out against doctors' advice, he may not have been capable of getting a taxi or have money. She'd have to get a taxi to him and bring him back. She might fear he'd run straight back to a drug dealer, or harm himself.

Was she expecting you to pick him up alone or take her to try to collect him? If she hadn't been so petty over the bike incident, would you have done it? If he wasn't a drug addict would you have done it? Would you have done it if he'd checked out of a hospital for physical injuries? Has she been asking for lifts since the, months ago, bike incident or was this the first time since, which shows she listened to your new boundaries and respected them.

I'm not sure helping her in a family emergency can be viewed in the same 'taking advantage' light as asking for random lifts.

eatsleepcookrepeat Wed 22-Jul-20 07:12:58

She sounds very unfair OP.

I don't drive and I never ask for lifts anywhere.

I'm sure you are not the only person she knows with a car also.

I wouldn't bother with her again.

Batmanandbobbin Wed 22-Jul-20 07:14:37

What * Thingsdogetbetter* says!

ooooohbetty Wed 22-Jul-20 07:15:27

YANBU she's a leech. If she wants transport she should learn to drive and get a car. Or use a taxi. Not you.

HogDogKetchup Wed 22-Jul-20 07:15:46

She’s using your friendship to blackmail you into doing her favours. Which aren’t reasonable. She needs to learn to drive herself. Friendship isn’t about being on hand to make someone else’s life easier. She’s just as capable as anyone else of calling a cab.

quirkybird3 Wed 22-Jul-20 08:05:55

She got nasty both times when I told her I was unavailable and this last time told me not to bother with her again as I'm no friend apparently.
I help anyone when I can and genuinely don't mind. But I do feel she's taking the p**s this time.

OP’s posts: |
quirkybird3 Wed 22-Jul-20 08:12:57

And I like her brother to be honest.but she said he checked out because he wasn't allowed a cigarette or tv which seems a bit cheeky to me.
The bike incident was just a month ago when I think of it.
I have taken her around a few places in the past and think nothing of it but I feel her nasty reactions both times are out of order.
Oh well, I'm not grovelling about it. I don't want to fall out but if that's her will there's not much I can do.

OP’s posts: |
MusicSchool Wed 22-Jul-20 10:52:32

OP, was she only nice to you when she wants something? Look at the patterns on your friendships and you will find all the answers.

SeaState3 Wed 22-Jul-20 12:11:02

Sometimes one can’t help out friends when they ask for help, especially at short notice, for genuine reasons, but to be abused for saying one can’t help - just no!

I had a friend ring up and ask to put up a friend of hers (who she told me earlier sent her drugs in the post!) who was about to visit but his accommodation had fallen through. It was just before I went into hospital to have a major operation and my DM was arriving to help me recuperate after. I told her this and said no unfortunately he can’t stay. She then demanded I send her a key so he could have my room while I was in hospital. When I said no again she started screaming at me how I wasn’t her friend etc.

Earlier that day I’d gone for a pre-op check and they’d taken blood test for ovarian cancer and gone through the op risks so I knew there was a very small chance I might not be coming back home. I had a thought of me gone and my DM stepping through the door to find my home stripped of sellable items or worse druggie types squatting (I didn’t tell my friend this).

The next time she asked me for help she messed me around and was very flakey, cue more screaming from her and that was the final straw.

ThatLibraryMiss Wed 22-Jul-20 12:24:09

* her drug addict brother needed help as he had checked himself out of a mental hospital*
she said he checked out because he wasn't allowed a cigarette or tv

A psychiatric unit wouldn't let an addict smoke? Sounds very unlikely to me. I think something's being missed out - like, he was asked to attend a meeting but said he wanted to smoke and watch TV instead. Someone's being economical with the truth.

Sakurami Wed 22-Jul-20 13:14:40

You are well rid. I have on occasion asked friends for lifts (I have a car but when it's been in for repairs etc) but always put the proviso that if it is convenient etc and not a problem at all if not available. After all, there are buses and taxis

Interestedwoman Wed 22-Jul-20 13:26:18

I wouldn't get involved with 'drug addict brother' etc. Sounds like signing up for drama. Other people might be happy with that but I'm not and that is a boundary someone is entitled to have. Especially as he had discharged himself without appropriately finishing treatment for whatever he was in for.

The way she's carrying on is like she's begging each time? Sounds like the family are a bit rough.

I can see that if you're desperate it's ok to ask for help, but if someone can't do a thing the asker has to accept that and not turn nasty, or they're limiting potential future options.

BlingLoving Wed 22-Jul-20 13:33:29

There isn't enough information here. Based on two occasions where the first she was being unnecessarily mean and then apologised and the second was a genuine family emergency for her (and a crisis with her drug addict brother seems genuine to me - unless there's more history here you're not telling us), I'd say that YABU and not a very good friend.

However, if this is after years of you being there for her while she is never around for you. Or where she doesn't want to know you unless she needs something, then YANBU.

LJenn Wed 22-Jul-20 13:44:14

You're well rid of her OP. What kind of unreasonable twat is she? More to the point.. what AGE is she? You're working and have your own things going on. Just because you're her friend doesn't mean you should be at her every beck and call. She needs to get a grip now and sort out her own life. Who ends a meaningful friendship like that? All because she doesn't get her own way. Childish woman😑😑.

BurtsBeesKnees Wed 22-Jul-20 13:51:31

Yanbu op, sounds like she was using you as you had poor boundaries, now you're sitting that she doesn't like it. You did the right thing

quirkybird3 Wed 22-Jul-20 15:06:42

We're both 37! The family are a bit rough I guess, I accept her for who she is but I have at times felt she leans on me for lifts at times. I don't mind mostly but when I am busy and have to say no I feel uncomfortable doing so now as I know what her reaction will be.
She made it sound as though her brother was walking out of the psych place to go home, because he wasn't allowed to smoke.
I had been on my feet since 6am that day and only just walked into my house when I saw the text from her at 6pm.
I have given her plenty of emotional support in the past too,she is not there for me as much, can often not even remember what I have been talking about previously sometimes.
Nobody's perfect and we all have our own priorities I suppose.

OP’s posts: |
LJenn Wed 22-Jul-20 15:46:35

You don't even have to justify yourself. Even if you sat on the couch all day, you're still not obligated to do anything. You can't be free to help out ALL the time. And a real, MATURE friend, won't make you feel bad for it. It's give and take in friendships. I always find it funny how people are so quick to point out the things you don't do, rather than saying thank you for everything you do. What would she have done if you didn't drive at all??? If I were to throw my rattle out of the pram every time I didn't get my way.. I'd walk around mad 24/7. She needs to stop treating you like a chauffeur.

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