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(13 Posts)
Rosesandposies Tue 21-Jul-20 23:46:47

I don't really know where to post this, but I figured this is the most appropriate place.
I starting chatting to a guy from my past back in September last year, he messaged me first. He came to my town to spend the day with me in October, despite him living 2 hours away. It ended with a kiss and after we spoke about our next meeting. It made me feel like I was worth it, I mean who would drive all that way for someone to hang out?
A couple of weeks later he said maybe it won't work as we live too far apart, I tried to get him to look on the bright side that 2 hours isn't that far in the grand scheme of things, but gave up as he wouldn't budge and we agreed to stay friends. Over text, we have become very close friends and tell each other everything.
In recent months, he's been telling me to meet someone closer to me. I now have and he was overall supportive.
Well, he went quiet last night and today, which is unusual. I learned that he had met someone and was with her. I'm really happy for him, but I fear for our friendship.
Maybe i'm feeling a bit jealous of this and I really don't know why! Can anyone help me handle this emotion?

OP’s posts: |
Lochie662 Wed 22-Jul-20 01:13:43

You can't be friends if you feel jealousy about the situation. It will poison your new relationship and you will spend a lot of time and energy pretending you are fine, when you're not.

You weren't in control when the romantic part of your relationship ended and maybe you accepted the long distance friendship as a consolidation with the hope that things could change somehow. That hasn't happened and it probably won't happen.

I would back away and let this friendship cool off. And I think you should take control of this. I don't believe it's in your interest to continue with this friendship.

gryffindor1987 Wed 22-Jul-20 06:26:53

I'm with the above poster op . I have been through this and it doesn't end well if you have feelings for him . It will probably go on to texts that shouldn't be sent between the two of you and you will be hiding them from both partners because they are wrong . Also he will probably lead you on for ages when he's bored until he find somone else he actually really likes and will not talk to you again . X

MizMoonshine Wed 22-Jul-20 06:53:48

You need to let this one go.

The only reason you're friends is because there was a romantic connection. There's two hours between you, you're not likely to bump into eachother or need eachother.

Your respective new partners wouldn't be happy about you two maintaining a connection.

Drop it. Walk away.

Rosesandposies Wed 22-Jul-20 10:52:51

Thank you. It's not what I wanted to hear, and i really don't want to, but I know I have to let go. I didn't know there was any feelings there for me still until this happened. I feel like I'm losing a big part of my life, even though that sounds dramatic.
I've told him this morning that I cant keep acting like nothing is wrong when I'm not ok.
There's already been texts and stuff that friends wouldn't send each other. I think that's why I feel sad, that I thought I was special and clearly I wasn't.
And just for the record, my new relationship is casual right now.

OP’s posts: |
Lochie662 Wed 22-Jul-20 11:26:36

I've been in the situation where I was going out with someone, they met someone else and then I spent 18 months being friends with them (I was young and had no self respect at all it seems).

I was left utterly heartbroken by it all. And nobody understood, they were just like "he was honest and he told you". Or " you're just an idiot to think he would ever treat you any different".

In my situation I believe the man in question was an arsehole who like playing with my feelings and got off on the ego boost of me loving him from afar. I'm not suggesting that what happened here.

But it really does hurt you a lot, when you want to be their one and only and they make it clear you're anything but. You did the right thing. You're either everything or you leave.

I'm sorry , I know it's hard

Rosesandposies Wed 22-Jul-20 11:54:40

@Lochie662 In my situation I believe the man in question was an arsehole who like playing with my feelings and got off on the ego boost of me loving him from afar. I'm not suggesting that what happened here whether or not this is what's happening, it's what I'm going to believe. He strung me along before, years ago we were dating and he cheated on me, left me and married the girl. It feels like that all over again, even though it's not. I thought he had changed and grew up, told me he saw me as more than a friend.
I will explain to him why I'm hurt and how he's affected me, then will cut off contact.
Thank you for the support, an understanding person is what I needed.

OP’s posts: |
Lochie662 Wed 22-Jul-20 12:11:44

My ex also got married, I was friends with him through the engagement. He constantly complained about her, about the cost of the wedding. I became this pathetic shell of a person, hoping that someone else's engagement broke up. Now I just feel sorry for her that she married him.

I had been going out with him when he met her and he had even proposed to me (no ring though) . He was an arsehole. I actually believe he was narcissistic but I'm trying to forget him now.

I reconnected years later (like you), and within a couple of years he was cheating on me at a time when I really needed him.

They don't change, who they are is who they are.

What an absolute arsehole to string you along like that. Twice.

Let him enjoy his new love for the five minutes it takes for her to see through him


He has to know he's triggering you, this isn't that different to what happened years ago. Only this time he's being " honest" but also sending you texts he shouldn't? He's fucking with your emotions,. I have no doubt.

Rosesandposies Wed 22-Jul-20 13:49:10

I'm so sorry that happened to you @Lochie662 some men are just plain assholes and aren't worth our time and love.
You're right, they dont change and I can see that now. He even said the content of the texts don't have to change, but will have to soon hmm no, I'm not his play thing that he can pick up and drop when its convenient.
Thank you for making me feel a whole load better, it's going to take time but I can now see sense.
I just wish my feelings and emotions wasnt messed around with. If he thinks I'm going to still be around then he's wrong. At least getting out of this "friendship" is one thing I can control.

OP’s posts: |
Lochie662 Wed 22-Jul-20 14:30:50

"the content of the texts don't have to change but might have to soon".

So , it's all on his say so is it? He KNOWS you have feelings for him on some level, he's playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse..

HE believes that you are hooked and will keep talking to him until he decides otherwise.... HE decides the nature of your relationship. It will start so he will control when you talk, how you talk, he might start blocking you " because it's wrong to talk, he's in a relationship or you are". And he will love the drama while you struggle through it all.

( I kept talking to him in this situation, with my ex, I know what it feels like to accept scraps of attention and feel like they matter, don't be me. It's soul destroying.)

You need to take control, total control. Dont give him any more of your life than you have to. You aren't his choice, and I'm talking to both of us.... men don't risk losing the woman they love in this way. We aren't the women they love. We are the women they use for attention when there's nothing better available.

There is a man out there who will love you, this man is not indicative of what men are like.

Look up narcissistic triangulation, see if it describes what's happening to you.

bangheadhere40 Wed 22-Jul-20 14:48:45

Hello...same situation for me, 2 hours away met up. Planned another date then said we are too far away. He then told me I should meet someone nearer and if he or I did the texts would have to change.

Then came back saying he did want to make a go if it but was always an excuse not to see me. In the end he told me he didnt think we should speak any more.

We were in touch daily since last october and I also felt like I lost my best friend, we told eachother everything.

It's cruel how they use us for attention through friendship knowing they can't or won't offer more.

Rosesandposies Wed 22-Jul-20 19:27:20

It does feel like it describes what is happening. There are many similarities, and it also describes what happened all those years ago as well.
I've sent him a message of how he's made me feel, and why I cant communicate with him anymore. I don't know why but it felt like the right thing to do.
Now I feel like I'm grieving something that didnt exist and what could have been. I feel sad, angry and just let down.
But you are very much right with everything you have said @Lochie662. You've really hit the nail on the head!

@bangheadhere40 wow it sounds very close to my situation! All this back and forward, not knowing whether I was coming or going, him telling me to meet someone but then being extremely flirty with me. Why can't they just be straight and honest from the very start instead of playing with us sad it's very cruel.

Hope you both are doing ok flowers

OP’s posts: |
bangheadhere40 Wed 22-Jul-20 20:14:25

So similar...he was always flirty saying he liked me whilst then telling me to move on.

Good you sent the message, wish I had instead of it dragging out and eventually being dropped anyway.

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