Talk

Advanced search

Do you need your OH’s unconditional support?

(35 Posts)
Name7 Tue 21-Jul-20 23:14:25

Just had a realisation tonight that I don’t have it, ever. Lots of things from lack of support when MIL was horrible to when I was pg to my job. I’ve never felt like he’s had my back. How sad is that? You know when people feel that they have to justify themselves on here to random strangers, I feel I have to do that at home. If I try and explain how tough things are as a woman, he argues. He cannot empathise or see my side. He has to be right. He scoffs and rolls his eyes. I don’t know what I’m asking. Just a realisation I had...

OP’s posts: |
user1294625849274 Tue 21-Jul-20 23:17:47

He sounds nice.

Happyspud Tue 21-Jul-20 23:19:50

It shouldn't be like that OP. What a dead weight to drag along with you😔

Holyrivolli Tue 21-Jul-20 23:22:08

Not unconditional support but certainly more than you’re getting. You shouldn’t feel patronised or dismissed

PlanDeRaccordement Tue 21-Jul-20 23:23:58

It sounds more serious than you title OP.
I would not ever expect unconditional support from my OH, but I do expect support when I’m being reasonable (a condition).
Your situation sounds like you never get support ever.

RUOKHon Tue 21-Jul-20 23:28:46

Nothing about my relationship with my DH is unconditional. It’s all conditional on him not cheating on me or generally being a cunt.

It sounds like your DH isn’t on your side.

A relationship should be teamwork. You’re both on the same side and have each other’s backs.

AnneOfQueenSables Tue 21-Jul-20 23:29:16

I wouldn't expect unconditional support and I wouldn't give it. Both DH and I have disagreed about job issues or problems with ILs. But he wouldn't question what it's like to live as a woman and we both know we have each other's backs.

Name7 Tue 21-Jul-20 23:31:27

Today, the news about the teachers pay (please don’t, feeling vulnerable) I was saying that it’s got to come from the already stretched budgets and it’s less for those of us who have been teaching for a long time. He then argued the toss. Why? It’s bad enough on social media, why is it the same from my alleged DH? Surely he should be the one person who empathises? Then I realised when I’ve spoken about other things m, he’s always argued, never sympathised. Is my self esteem so shot down?

OP’s posts: |
PurpleDaisies Tue 21-Jul-20 23:32:28

I agree with others saying expecting totally unconditional support isn’t realistic. Sometimes I’m in the wrong.

He doesn’t sound supportive at all though. Does he have any good points?

PurpleDaisies Tue 21-Jul-20 23:33:59

Today, the news about the teachers pay (please don’t, feeling vulnerable) I was saying that it’s got to come from the already stretched budgets and it’s less for those of us who have been teaching for a long time. He then argued the toss. Why?

I’m not sure that’s the sort of issue that partners need to unconditionally agree on.

AnneOfQueenSables Tue 21-Jul-20 23:37:38

Did he think you wanted him to 'fix' it so he was trying to explain/justify it? Very early on in our relationship, I realised I had to say to DH, 'this isn't a problem I want you to fix. I just want to moan/complain.'

Name7 Tue 21-Jul-20 23:38:54

I’m not sure that’s the sort of issue that partners need to unconditionally agree on.

That’s why I’m asking. Did he need to argue about it. Could he not just make non committal noises if he didn’t agree? These last few months have been hell. I’ve understood and sympathised with his work situation. I just don’t feel we are a team.

OP’s posts: |
Name7 Tue 21-Jul-20 23:40:08

* Did he think you wanted him to 'fix' it so he was trying to explain/justify it? Very early on in our relationship, I realised I had to say to DH, 'this isn't a problem I want you to fix. I just want to moan/complain.'*

Could be

OP’s posts: |
Sunshineonrainydays Tue 21-Jul-20 23:42:16

Can you talk to him about it OP? Have a proper sit down chat about how you are feeling.
It’s not good to feel unsupported by the person you should be closest too.
Of course a partner doesn’t have to agree with everything but they should listen, try and understand your viewpoint and know when you need support.

Sunshineonrainydays Tue 21-Jul-20 23:43:07

I should have written to not too!

AgeLikeWine Tue 21-Jul-20 23:43:48

I neither need or expect unconditional support from DP because we do not, and never have, agreed about everything. He would say the same. We support one another on most important things, though.

Lochie662 Wed 22-Jul-20 00:41:07

Does he always take the opposite viewpoint to you. Does he see "you" as generally opposite to his views and therefore naturally plays devils advocate with everything you say? Even if he's being a hypocrite or it just doesn't make sense?

And... So you're a teacher and he isn't, but he still argued against you in a decision that you have knowledge and understanding about? That you are emotionally affected by?

It doesn't sound like a supportive environment at all.

SandyY2K Wed 22-Jul-20 01:08:06

I don't expect unconditional support from DH and I also wouldn't give him unconditional support. That's an unrealistic expectation in life.

Other people have an opinion, however I'd expect them to express it in a sensitive way and not argue for the sake of it.

It sounds like your DH never agrees with you and thinks he's always right. Like if you had an issue at work...it would be your fault regardless.

RantyAnty Wed 22-Jul-20 01:21:48

I see what you mean.
You wanted a bit of kindness and support but he had to argue his point and for what?

The say choose your battles. He should learn and apply that.
It'd be exhausting for every little thing to be an argument when he could have in this instance, kept his mouth shut.
Does he want to be happy or right?

I'd be tempted to tell him, "everything doesn't need your opinion" when he kicks off about things like that.

BitOfFun Wed 22-Jul-20 01:53:28

Yea, I agree with @RantyAnty. Perhaps you picked the wrong word with 'unconditional', if we are going to be pedantic, but it's clear from what you're saying is that you could do with any kind of support, really, and that you would especially like to feel that you are treated with more compassion and understanding than your husband might give to a stranger.

Does he like to say he is "playing Devil's advocate" when you get upset, by any chance?

rvby Wed 22-Jul-20 02:53:13

People who cannot cope with other people's feeling (or their own) tend to operate as you describe, op. It's very common with men, presumably because boys are brought up to stuff down their sadness and never show pain, etc. They are typically shamed and argued with whenever they are sad... which translates to a man who behaves like your h does.

It's not fair or right, it's a shit situation.

My own dp is very supportive but has to almost physically struggle not to argue with me sometimes while I'm "having feelings". Because in his family, that's how you deal with feelings, you argue them away. In some families, it's more about shaming them away, or laughing them away... horrible really.

The answer is for dh to learn emotional coping skills and empathetic listening. If he doesnt want to do that, unfortunately then you need to stop going to him with your feelings, he won't be able to help you. Divorce is also an option, especially if his refusal to learn these skills eventually erodes the intimacy between you.

Stories like yours are sad illustrations of how sexism/toxic masculinity impacts boys, men, and their future relationships. This is why boys must be allowed to cry and be comforted, ideally by both parents.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 22-Jul-20 03:03:07

Not unconditional support but certainly more than you’re getting.

This. I need DH's support. Emotionally. We can disagree politically but if it's my career, he would generally defer to me.

lukasiak Wed 22-Jul-20 03:46:35

Name7

Today, the news about the teachers pay (please don’t, feeling vulnerable) I was saying that it’s got to come from the already stretched budgets and it’s less for those of us who have been teaching for a long time. He then argued the toss. Why? It’s bad enough on social media, why is it the same from my alleged DH? Surely he should be the one person who empathises? Then I realised when I’ve spoken about other things m, he’s always argued, never sympathised. Is my self esteem so shot down?

I say this gently, but unconditional support does not mean never disagreeing with your opinions. He doesn't have to agree with you on every news piece. He's allowed to have his own opinions on things like this.

Oblomov20 Wed 22-Jul-20 04:05:59

Depends what you mean. Dh and I disagree on lots of things. But he has my back. Always. He roots for me, looks after me, puts me first. Always.

Ragwort Wed 22-Jul-20 04:12:17

I don't think your example is a particularly useful indication of whether or not a DH is 'supportive', my DH and I have polar opposite views on most political issues, so much so that we avoid those sort of discussions but, only this week, when my elderly DM collapsed & was rushed into hospital he immediately 'took charge', rushed me over to my DPs home, helped care for my DF and was 100% a support ... that's when I know that he really does support me. And when I got back home after 24 hours away he was the one running me a bath, cooking dinner and insisting I relax and giving up his game of golf to be with me.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in