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Living a lie!

(20 Posts)
intheclosetforlife Tue 21-Jul-20 17:48:36

Hi I've name changed for this

I have been living a lie for most of my life. I am a lesbian but never acted on it or told anyone. I've kept it hidden to the point I've even tried to have a relationship with a man (I have slept with two men in my life and hate it) and had three children to try and be normal. I'm now a single mum as it wasn't fair to pretend anymore that I wanted to be with him when I didn't.

There is probably no point to the thread as I will never have the confidence to actually approach a woman or tell anyone the truth but needed to let it out somewhere. My family are quite homophobic and I think this is why I denied my true feelings. I don't even fancy men. I had a point where I thought I may be asexual but I'm not. I am attracted to women not that anyone is going to want to be with an inexperienced 37yr old single mother (I wouldn't want to be).

Anyway there I said it now at least some people in this world know the truth.

OP’s posts: |
Thingsdogetbetter Tue 21-Jul-20 18:08:04

Best friend's mum came out at 60. Has lovely lovely girlfriend. Several of my friends were late bloomers and came out after kids/marraige.

I think lesbian 'circles' are very open to 'inexperienced' women coming out later in life. It's not unusual, unfortunately - won't it be lovely if society gave people the confidence not to hide who they are from the start!

Maybe start with becoming an ally and making lesbian friends instead of 'coming out' if you're not feeling confident enough. Meet people and realise that what you feel is normal and an experience shared by many women.

LetsGiveItAtry Tue 21-Jul-20 18:14:35

Hey, I feel you. Similar story, came from a small town. Married the boy next door, had our kids. Gradually began to realise I was a lesbian. I'd always fancied girls, but to actually name it was hard.
I handled it very badly, I had a one night stand with a gay friend of mine. Almost to test the water, and then I ended my marriage.
12 years later I've been with my wife for 11 years.
Never been happier.
We met online, my lack of any "gaydar " meant I'd never have approached a woman in real life.
There is happiness out there OP. I was 35 when I "came out" xx

LetsGiveItAtry Tue 21-Jul-20 18:20:06

There are sites which are women only, and you can say if you're looking for a relationship or just new friends, that's what I did to start with .

Interestedwoman Tue 21-Jul-20 18:22:17

I had my first proper lesbian relationship last year at 42. Had a few one night stand type things in the past but that's it. My lover was completely accepting of me being inexperienced, and showed me what she liked.

I recommend going out on the gay scene, and/or joining Meetup.com LGBT groups for where you are to go with. At the moment they have a lot happening on Zoom maybe- though perhaps things are starting up IRL now.

Best wishes. flowers

Toughtips Tue 21-Jul-20 18:22:28

Letsgiveitatry what websites are these please?

Op I feel for you. I feel the same. Feel free to PM me xx

LetsGiveItAtry Tue 21-Jul-20 18:26:25

Toughtips

Letsgiveitatry what websites are these please?

Op I feel for you. I feel the same. Feel free to PM me xx


The only one I tried back then was The Pink Sofa. Met lots of women to chat to, and met my wife there. Over 10 years ago so not sure if it's still the same, but was good back then.

FifteenToes Tue 21-Jul-20 18:32:22

It's a weird that but practically every gay man I've ever spoken to on the subject said they knew they were gay from at least early puberty if not before, and most of them have had little or no experience of relationships with women - whereas most of the gay women I've known have gravitated to that point at various stages of adulthood, many quite late and after having various relationships with men, having children etc.

I don't know whether this is just my experience or whether there's any data on the subject that backs it up, but I certainly wouldn't be worried about coming out at 37. It's hard for people to challenge taboos and it's great that you've taken a first step like this. Go for it.

Lozzerbmc Tue 21-Jul-20 18:34:43

I think you should be true to yourself and be happy - we only have one life.

intheclosetforlife Tue 21-Jul-20 20:25:13

Thank you everyone. I've just looked at pink sofa and it seems interesting. I did hang round the gay scene with my male friend in my late teens but my parents were very anti it. I've always had infatuations with female friends. I've never been with a woman other than kissing them because I was so shy back then.

OP’s posts: |
Giganticshark Tue 21-Jul-20 20:27:09

My friend is married to a woman with 3 children.
I also know a family where the women were in their 40s and both had children from previous marriages, they've been together 20 years now. One big happy blended family ❤️

Best of luck OP. I can't imagine your struggle, x

Embroidermeingold Tue 21-Jul-20 20:53:43

This is me also but I feel so horrifically guilty that I’ve wasted dh’s time and over breaking up the family that I just can’t do it.
It’s killing me, I feel so disconnected day in, day out. But I don’t see any other option right now, I don’t think there’s a happy ending. I’d give anything to not be gay or just to go back to a time when I didn’t realise it or could just ignore it. I was glad when I first realised - like ah! That’s what’s wrong! But now I’m not, because it’s got the potential to ruin my life and my children’s lives - not to mention dh obviously. Now I feel angry about it, I just want to be like everyone else.

Intheclosetforlife Tue 21-Jul-20 21:01:35

@Embroidermeingold so sorry to hear you are doing through this. There were other problems with my ex which made it easier to leave. It’s not easy but things aren’t as bad as I had thought they would be. The children were sad at first but say that they are happy that I’m a lot happier on my own. Being a single parent is pretty relentless though. My ex moved away and never sees them so I’m doing it alone which is a shame for everyone.

LetsGiveItAtry Tue 21-Jul-20 21:34:53

Embroidermeingold

This is me also but I feel so horrifically guilty that I’ve wasted dh’s time and over breaking up the family that I just can’t do it.
It’s killing me, I feel so disconnected day in, day out. But I don’t see any other option right now, I don’t think there’s a happy ending. I’d give anything to not be gay or just to go back to a time when I didn’t realise it or could just ignore it. I was glad when I first realised - like ah! That’s what’s wrong! But now I’m not, because it’s got the potential to ruin my life and my children’s lives - not to mention dh obviously. Now I feel angry about it, I just want to be like everyone else.


This was how I felt and I thought if I could keep it all together till I was maybe 50, the kids would have their own lives. But I couldn't, I just had a moment when I realised that you get one shot at life. The guilt was horrible but we worked through it, and we're really ok.

RosieCockle Tue 21-Jul-20 21:42:10

Don't say you'll never have the confidence. Accept you don't have it right now, but be open minded as to what may happen. That could be exciting x

Daisy12Maisie Tue 21-Jul-20 22:11:49

My older sister is in a gay choir and she has lots of lose friends from this who are also gay. Maybe join a group and make some friends and talk about it.

Daisy12Maisie Tue 21-Jul-20 22:12:22

*close friends

HoldingOnForBetterTimes Tue 06-Oct-20 19:55:19

This is me. So glad I found this thread. Mid 50s and waiting and hoping it won’t be too late. The kids (17 and 20) say our bad marriage has damaged them. Hopefully they will grow into a new perspective. I found the advice on here useful. Thank you

thecatsarecrazy Wed 07-Oct-20 18:18:34

It's never too late. My mum's sister came out a few years ago. She was married for years. Came out when her son's were teens. Lives with a woman now in her 50s

Louise000000 Sat 10-Oct-20 09:56:49

My mum knows a lady in her 80s who has recently come out to her (only my mum and a few of her close friends know and she had never had a relationship with a woman) and said she has never been able to be her true self.
You only live once and 37 is young! I've just left my husband at 35 and I feel like i have a long life ahead to be alone and also try new relationships and you do too!
Take it slow and have fun but be true to yourself and don't live your life for anyone else smile

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