help me please-desperate

[allnamesaretaken]

dont even know why i am starting this i dont have enough time to write everything down

i am so depressed and need someone to talk to.

am so fed up of being ignored for days on end by dh, i really really cant take this anymore. he is upstairs just now so i may cut of at anypoint.

what happened to the lovely man i married, why does he hate me so much

i cant handle being ignored for days on end and dont know what to do about it, i want to leave him really i do but i dont have it in me

[RGPargy]

so sorry you're feeling this way

Have you tried talking to him about how you're feeling and asking him what makes him ignore you?

[newlifenewname]

You might not feel you have it in you. Being ignored saps all your energy and self esteem but I can tell you have a little fighting spirit there. Harness it and do something. It might not have to be leaving but you do need to efffect some change.

[allnamesaretaken]

i have not spoken to a adult for 2 days now, i just want to have someone say something nice, i cant take this anymore, i would rather have a slap in the face than be ignored for 1 more minute

[denbury]

try writting everything down. no one has to see it and you can burn it!!!!you can let steam of and can say anything you like!!! good luck, have a coffee and tell yourself you are better than him.he seems like a teenager who hasn't grown up!!!!

[newlifenewname]

I know. Even an argument id better than being ignored isn't it?

Does he point blank refuse to speak too?

[startouchedtrinity]

Do you really know that he hates you? Even if he says so, do you know it is true? Maybe he has depression, that is why he cannot communicate with you and why he seems so unlike his old self.

Dh and I have been like this, to the point where I couldn't have cared less if he walked out. Except I did care. We both did, but pressures at home, particularly with a poorly dd2 and a new baby, got to us. I started to believe all th elies my thought would tel lme - he doesn't care, he's useless, he hates me. None were true. I could have said I don't care, I hate him, I hate me - that was probably truer.

Don't believe your thoughts, question them. Then just be there for dh, he will tell you eventually what is wrong. And look after yourself - eat as well as you can, get a good book to read, see a friend. Think how awful you feel when you listen to your thoughts about dh, and don't believe them.

[allnamesaretaken]

he ignores me or what seems like forever then all of a sudden will say something that makes out everything is my fault, i cant handle anymore i want out of all this, where did i go so wrong.

i really cant cope with this one second more, he works away during the week and is away at 9-00 am tomorrow but that seems like years away right now.

i know that will sond pathetic but i have just reached rock bottom and dont know what to do.

[denbury]

put a note on here tomorrow to let us know how the night went. sorry i have to leave but j needs milk and b needs to go to bed. will be thinking of you. take care

[startouchedtrinity]

You can handle it. You know it's not your fault and you don't know that dh hates you.

Don't try talking to him, that will only make things worse, whether because he is just being unreasonable or because he is depressed.

Find things for you. What would you like to do, right now? read a book? Watch a dvd? Clean the cooker? Listen to music? Go and do it.

What do you do when dh is away?

[newlifenewname]

This was one of the things I experienced with xdp and I did actually leave in the end as a result of emotional (and eventually some physical) abuse. I'm not saying this is your situation but it is very destructive and unless he's a complete half -wit he'll realise what he's doing to you and doesn't care enough to do anything about it it would seem.

[startouchedtrinity]

Should add, if he is violent then you need to get out. But if he isn't, then just get on with living for you. You are the only person in the world that you can rely on to make you happy.

[startouchedtrinity]

If he is depressed then he may well not realise what he is doing.

Dh and I were both depressed, and also we were believing the crap in our heads. Think about how you think of him...maybe he is thinking, 'she hates me, where I have I gone wrong, why should I bother talking to her...' For all I thought of myself as a victim I gave dh as good as I got - not verbally but ignoring him, isolating him from the kids, not making eye contact - it was grim.

I repeat, if he is abusive, get out.

[allnamesaretaken]

i THINK he is in the bath so will type fast.

dh works away during week has done for last 3 months, only home late friday to tea-time sunday. all is good from fri night to saturday night but then late on saturday night he always has a huge shouting match with 2 dd's (5&3 ffs) i hate this my dd's are the world to me but he treatsthem like shit (so i feel but maybe i am paranoid)

every bloody weekend this happens and i feel my kids dont deserve this (he is the dad of both dd'd btw)

last night we went out ten pin bowling then went for a lovely meal (great time) after when we came home both kids were tired and a bit grumpy, he went CRAZY at them to the point where he was screming at them to SHUT THE FUCK UP then slammed the toilet door so hard the bath panel fell of the side of the bath.


this is just a ezample of what happens every weekend, there is always something, in my mind speaking to my dd's like this is child abuse, my parents never spoke to me like this and i dont want my dd's growning up thinking this is ok, he has ignored me since last night because i stepped in when he was screaming at them and told him to go away and i would deal with them.

in my mind i did the right thing

SO WHY AM I BEING MADE TO FEEL LIKE SHIT!!!!!

[ThreeGs]

OK - I have been ignored for weeks at a time; it is a form of bullying and it can grind you down totally.

Do you want to do the BIG ultimatum i.e. we talk, we get help or it is over?

Why is he ignoring you? Have you had a row? Is it his problem i.e. something wrong with his life? Have you said something that he is brooding on? Has this happened before?

How about using it as a push to look at your relationship: what is good, what is bad? I'm really into making lists, very sad, I know but they make me feel in control .

[allnamesaretaken]

NEWLIFENEWNAME he did have a terrible childhood with his parents, he always said when we got together i was pregnant etc that he did not want our child to be brought up the way he was and yet he is a carbon copy of his dad

[allnamesaretaken]

threegs the ignoring has gone on from before i had dd's, to the point where i used to think he had a book called "how to drive someone mad" hidden somewhere.

[startouchedtrinity]

You cannot accept him shouting at the dds like that. He sounds like he is under a great deal of pressure.

Did this start when he began working away?

[newlifenewname]

He either needs to get help to stop using you as an emotional punchbag (by ignoring you/shoutin gnear or at you and the children0 or you need to get out. To put it simply.

[WinkyWinkola]

Oh dear, allnamesaretaken. What a horrible situation to be in.

Screaming at your children like that is definitely abusive - he has lost control and is quite clearly unable to stop himself scaring the living daylights out of them.

Are you all living on tenterhooks, wondering when he'll burst into a rage?

His ignoring you and these awful rages are very cruel and bullying behaviour. He's showing you no respect, love or even friendship.

I'd be scared to even try and talk to him about it if he's the kind of person that will explode like you describe. You sound worried to be on the computer ffs!

You DO have it in you to leave. If not for your sake, then for your daughters.

There is help out there. www.womensaid.org.uk Contact them. You need someone to talk to. You must feel so alone and vulnerable.

[WinkyWinkola]

And just because he had a terrible childhood does not mean you and your children must suffer for it.

Don't let his own awful childhood become a rationale for the appalling way he's treating you.

The fact that you've survived so long being ignored and mistreated shows how very very strong you are. Your daughters need you to sort this out. They'll grow up with a very warped view of what it is to be a man.

[ThreeGs]

OMG - it does sound like learnt behaviour. No, I am not excusing him. Does he realise how awful he is being? Does he know that he needs to be a better parent? Does he worry about all this?

I'm so sorry - how dreadful for you all that each weekend ends like this. Get help - RL help and support - and then, look at the future. Are there any other triggers, apart from the kids being normal, tired and cranky 3/5 year olds? Can you see a future for you as a family? What would/could make this better?

[denbury]

hope you had a good night. enjoy the day without him.!!!!

[allnamesaretaken]

well thats him away, ignored me when he left but i just got a quick phone call because he forgot something and he called me honey on the phone, he always calls me that though think he has called me by my own name about 2 times since we got together so it does not mean that he has stopped being a prick.

i dont know where to go from here, any advice would be fantastic.

usually he is a fantastic dad, the kids love him to bits and he is really hands on with them. its only when there are not behaving like perfect angels (remember they are only 5&3) that he totally flips. i am really lucky and most of the time they are very well behaved little girls but it is only normal that they have off moments we all do ffs.

the aggression really gets to me, he has never hit me or the girls (if he did i would be out the door like a shot) but the way he shouts terrifies the kids, infact that might not be true anymore because i think they are used to it now. even after the initial argument has died down he can go on ignoring them for hours afterwards, there is no way that this can be normal behavior.

i know this wont sound very pc but i often wonder if he is "all there" in the head (sorry cant think of how else to write it down) he seems totally incapable of thinking for himself or remembering things, getting him to pass messages on is a nightmare and i dont dare ask him to pick up kids from dance classes etc because no matter how many times i tell him where the kids are he will always go to the wrong venue.

sorry starting to ramble a bit but im not sure if the two things might be connected.

anyway as i say most of the time he is fanastic with them but since i never really know when he will kick off i cant leave him alone with the kids so i feel like i never get a minute to myself, as i have said he only sees them at weekends so in my mind i should be able to take advantage of him being here and get to nip to the shops etc on my own but i cant do things like that.

sorry i have gone on for so long, thank you if you have managed to read it!!!!

[Freckle]

Can you write it all down in the form of a letter? Set out clearly how his behaviour is making your and your dds feel and that your marriage cannot continue unless he seeks help or acknowledges his aggression.

Then send it to him where he stays when he is away. Tell him that, unless he's prepared to take some positive steps to rectify how he behaves, he might as well not bother coming home and you'll set divorce proceedings in motion.

It might be enough to make him realise how he is behaving and what he could lose.