Hi all, I'm here desperately seeking advice, apologies in advance for the essay!
My wife and I have been married 11 years, together for 15. We have built a beautiful home together and have many happy memories. She has always been there for me and is a wonderful person, and I've never never really considered anything other than us growing old together, until now.
After some lengthy introspection, I have admitted to myself that our marriage isn't working. We don't have children (we are 39 and 40), but I really do want them, and I have done for a long time. When people ask why we don't have children I have told them that its not the right time, or that we've been trying but its just not happened, but the reality is that we just don't have enough sex and our communication so has been so poor that we just haven't ever properly discussed it.
The lack of sex is mostly my fault, and I have been aware of the problem for a couple of years. I tried to fix this myself, but for whatever reason I haven't been able to (I'm just not sexually attracted to her anymore. I find myself staying up late to avoid sex, only making the effort to have sex at the right time of the month, and when we do have sex I feel uncomfortable initiating it. In all honesty, I find myself preferring to masturbate and fantasize about other women. Whilst I haven't cheated on my wife, I have looked around a bit over the last couple of years and started to think about what life could be like). I also find that I don't make any effort to be affectionate to her (buying flowers, sending nice texts) and I think that these things should come naturally, if I'm in the right relationship. I finally opened up to her about all of this, and she said she was aware of the problem but she thought I was happy enough with our marriage, so she didn't say anything. We've since tried to make an effort together, but for me nothing is changing, despite the fact I can see she is making a real effort.
I'm starting to think that if I am going to be able to have the life I crave, the right thing to do is move on. I also feel as though me moving on is the right thing to do for her - because she deserves someone who truly adores her for who she is, and who makes her happy (whilst she says she is happy in the marriage, I know this isn't truly the case - even though she won't admit it. She feels as though I prefer spending time with my friends and not with her and often asks why I ever got married, she has complained that her life is rubbish when she's been upset, she misses the affectionate small touches, she gets anxious and jealous when I go away with work etc).
But there's a few things holding me back. Selfishly, I worry whether I'll ever find anyone who loves me unreservedly like she does, and whether I'll ever again find the companionship that we enjoy. I'm also put off by the thought of leaving my home, which I love and which we renovated together and I always considered would be my 'forever home'. But most importantly, I'm worried about her. When I left and told her I wanted a break she was absolutely devastated and I can't bear to see the pain I'm causing. She mentioned that if I'd have said this a few years ago she'd have still had time to meet someone else and have a family with them, but at 40 she is now at a point where it is too late for her to do that. I worry that if I stay with her it may be just delaying the inevitable and we'll end up resenting each other, but I feel though as if I leave I'm completely ruining her whole life. I don't know what to do
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Marriage advice needed - do I stay or do I go?
Gutwrenching · 20/07/2020 12:47
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