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How do you get your confidence back I feel so so sad all the time

(11 Posts)
Itsallsonew Mon 20-Jul-20 12:28:46

As you might have seen on here i left my DHof 20 years in January. He drank smoked weed and didn't contribute, he made me feel like i was only there to cook clean and provide the money he wanted whilst I did 3 jobs and looked after the kids. He also didn't want me for about 10 of those years would use online chat and hook up sites but would wake me up most days at 5am expecting me to sort him out. i Felt cheap used and like there was something very wrong with me I made the break with Mumsnet support and it was great but very hard but I was feeling stronger. I met someone lovely and fell into a bit of a FWB thing as I wasnt ready for much but it was monogamous and we had fun went to dinner booked a weekend away, and he made me feel special and appreciated for the first time in 20 years. Sex, i had sex where the man actually wanted ME to enjoy it and cared how i felt and it was amazing. I didnt realise how much i needed to know someone actually wanted me and cared how i felt! Well it then turned out he was in love with his ex, and he told me we can still be friends but he needs to try and make it work with her. I am crushed. I cant seem to get over it, i am just so sad and i dont know if its dealing with the sale of the marital home, covid or just more rejection but I am happy one day and crying all day the next. He wants to be my friend but i am such a mess i cant believe him or understand why and i have been pretty unpleasant but he still checks i am ok, but i am not. I am really really down and just cant stop crying. I feel such a fool because a 5 month not even real relationship is nothing after 20 years but i have never felt so appreciated, but equally he ended it literally over night.I cant get counselling through the doctors so i paid but my benefits are messed up so i cant afford it now. My friends say i need to date other men but i dont want to and i dont want sex i just dont really trust anyone. and i have literally no belief in my self. Men only want me for what they can get and i dont know how to get over that and feel better? any advice would be amazing because i am not coping at all

OP’s posts: |
Optimist1 Mon 20-Jul-20 12:37:25

Your confidence should improve as soon as you can think of yourself without reference to a man. (Not meant harshly; wishing you happier times in future.)

EricLove123 Mon 20-Jul-20 12:39:01

Stop looking to men to make you happy or feel good about yourself. Take a long time to just be by yourself and figure out who you are.

Spritesobright Mon 20-Jul-20 12:57:52

I've heard other people say that a rebound breakup can be harder than the initial breakup. You were probably deferring some of your pain and disappointment by launching into this new relationship and now that's hit a bump it's hard to feel hopeful about the future again.

But take heart that you have learned so much about yourself and about love. There are men out there who won't treat you abusively like your ex. And you clearly have the capacity to love and commit (and have great sex).
That being said, it probably wouldn't hurt to take a bit of a break from dating. Focus on yourself and your network and restock.

FootInBothShoes Mon 20-Jul-20 13:03:57

You are right to stay away from dating/men for now.

Anyway, what i felt was that i had no confidence because i didnt know who i was anymore away from my children and work and my exh.

So what i did was create a mind map of who I was before children/him; who I was 'now'; and who i wanted to be. It included everything - health, education, career, personality characteristics, political interests, lifestyle choices, self care, hobbies, interests... the lot!

I created SMART targets to achieve/change the things I wanted to. I colour coded stuff depending on whether it was a short, medium or long term goal.

I began to recognise myself again and it's something I revisit periodically - I'm doing one at the moment.

Another thing that helped was I asked 12 people (men and women) who I'd known between 12 months and 12 years to tell me things they liked and valued about me.

I bought a really nice notebook and coloured pens to record all of this and I can't tell you the difference it made.

You need to see your worth and your value away from men who have hurt you and see yourself for the unique and beautiful person you are.

That is where your confidence will come from.

But I can really recommend those activities.

Lonoxo Mon 20-Jul-20 13:06:04

Sorry to hear you are feeling low. This guy wasn’t meant to be your next true love. He’s your transition guy, the springboard to the next stage. You have proved that you are attractive and desirable and that your DH didn’t fully appreciate or value you.

I don’t think you can be friends with this guy. Leave with your head held high and remember all the positives. I think some time alone now trying to work out who you are will really help with your confidence and self-esteem.

Itsallsonew Mon 20-Jul-20 13:10:15

I just don't know how to balance myself out, i am 43 so i don't think its menopause but it could be. my hormones are insane and i cant control it i have tried, do i just give in and get antidepressants ?

OP’s posts: |
SuperlativeScrubs Mon 20-Jul-20 13:13:54

The best thing I did for myself after my last breakup (between Abusive Ex 1 and recent abusive ex 2) was to start enjoying my own company and do all those things I wanted to do that I couldn't because Ex1 was holding be back with his behaviour.

I started reading again, going out, seeing friends, enjoying my hobbies when I had the time, gardening, making my house look nice, making myself look nice, and in the end I was perfectly happy in my own company. In fact when I met Ex2 I wasn't looking for anything and didn't even want a relationship!

This helped, because while Ex2 is an abusive asshole I was way better at setting boundaries and "fighting back" by continuing to be me and do my own thing regardless of his attempts to control me.

What I am trying to say is, learning to love myself and do what I wanted gave me a HUGE sense of self worth and allowed me to reflect on what I wanted and what I will and won't put up with in a relationship.

Sorry you feel awful OP but honestly, learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company and the rest will fall into place flowers

Itsallsonew Mon 20-Jul-20 13:30:38

I know that prior to meeting this guy i was spiralling down the wrong path, going a bit wild. i also lost 3 ppl in the last 4 years suddenly and pretty shockingly and i seem to have lost the ability to sit still, focus or read or anything. i cant rest or stop thinking. I feel so sorry for the guy he is trying so hard to support me but didn't realise what he was getting into (he thought i was fun!). i have just booked myself into the doctors because i just feel like literally no one understands how i feel except my brother but he is dealing with stuff so i dont talk to him. I feel like I cant control my behaviour and just want to stop thinking but i cant. i dont know how to even do the self help stuff as i am soo strung out and my friends are sick of me. sick of me being sad for 4 years and then acting crazy.. thats why i cling to the man because he is just there for me but its not fair on him as he needs to sort his own life out. I am going to ask for anti depressants, just for a bit i think. its crazy someone said to me this week how happy i seem and its like a weight has been lifted off me, it makes you wonder how people really cant see at all how i feel. I just feel like nothing is ever getting better, i hoe i dont sound pathetic but i feel it.

OP’s posts: |
FootInBothShoes Mon 20-Jul-20 14:45:01

Tbh, I've given you some really effective strategies for improving your confidence. It's up to you whether you take notice or not.

ADs won't improve your confidence, no.

I'm a couple of years older than you. My life fell apart nearly 10 years ago. There have been blips along the way but as far as my confidence levels go... big improvement.

Spritesobright Mon 20-Jul-20 18:49:13

That is super advice Footinbothshoes. And I love the idea of maintaining it with periodic shakeups/goals.
After my marriage ended I took up new sports, started listening to new music, had way more exciting sex, totally changed my diet and reconnected with friends.
Out of the ashes there are new possibilities.

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