Advice needed, lies and other women, can’t take any more

[Silverfoxbunny]

Hiya, this is a long post so I’m sorry and please bear with me!
I’m desperately stressed all the time from the situation I find myself in, to the point where I feel sick all the time and haven’t been eating much etc, I’m just looking for some opinions and advice and need to have a long hard think about what I should do.

I’ve been with my partner nearly 7 years and been married for nearly 2 years of that. I love him and honestly would be heartbroken to lose him, we generally get on so well and have so much in common, we have two children together as well aged 3 and 4.5 years. Generally we have had a good relationship but there have been a fair few times where we have had big rows/nearly splitting up, the root cause of these being his lying to me. I used to trust him without question at the beginning but things started happening that broke that trust.
Unfortunately I do get really worried from time to time and end up snooping on his phone and he hates it and says he can’t deal with it and would rather be on his own, I do get that and I know it’s not healthy, but I’m not just a psycho paranoid person, I am the way I am because I have had my trust broken again and again, I’ve been promised that it won’t happen again so many times and been let down.

He comes across as an outgoing flirtatious person who is friends with everyone and he has openly admitted to me how he used to cheat on his ex wife and used to be a bit of a ladies man in the past.

At the start of the relationship there were little lies here and there but as far as I know nothing too earth shattering, as time went on I discovered he had made a fake Facebook account with the sole purpose being to message other women, another time I saw messages between him and a girl he went to school with (his own Facebook messenger this time not a fake account) with him trying it on big time saying he remembers her having a nice body and her being naughty and things along those lines, there’s also been women he has been very pally and over friendly with over the years, then skip forward to more recent times, he then got into a really inappropriate relationship with a woman he works with, not physical as far as I know just messages, I caught him out and he was sorry and he said he knew he had messed up etc and he was going to block her etc, and he really seemed to have changed for a long time, but eventually he was back in touch with her on Snapchat and also at it again with inappropriate messaging with another girl he went to school with. And texting the woman from work again that he promised he didn’t talk to any more, eventually I saw messages between them with him saying he really needed that hug from her the other day, saying hes about to arrive at his destination (he’s a driver) and wishes he had a kiss and hug waiting for him! And talking about pubs with accommodation and innuendos about not wanting to eat too much because of not wanting to do much afterwards otherwise 🤦‍♀️when I confronted him about that one he told me he was trying to catch her out and see if she would bite because she had been messing around with some bloke at work! There is always an excuse!
This is the condensed version and his behaviour is why I have really bad trust issues! I’ve got to the point where I have a 6th sense about this stuff, I notice when his behaviour is off, and it makes me want to check his stuff when I feel like somethings up, recently I find that he’s been txting and deleting the messages with a girl who drives but at the other end of the country with a different company, and he’s met a few times at the depot, I didn’t see anything inappropriate and it seemed like just banter and was hopefully innocent but because he hid it from me of course it’s going to raise red flags again! He said he deleted the messages because of what I’m like but there are other women he speaks to innocently and I have never given him grief about it or even mentioned it or looked at the messages between them so why was he worried about this particular person?

When I asked how she ended up with his number when they barely know each other and he said she walked in on a conversation between my husband and another guy about it being his birthday soon and she said give me your number so she can text him happy birthday, I just thought that sounded fishy but who knows!

That I could get over but the final straw is that I’ve noticed him being really secretive with his phone again, it’s always on silent now and glued to him, he takes it with him every time he gets up, whereas for such a long time he used to just leave it lying around (sets alarm bells ringing again) and I found out in the last few days, after we’ve being going through a rough patch that he’s now added his ex wife on Snapchat, she is one of his best friends on it and he has been talking to her in secret! And that’s clearly why he’s not letting his phone out of his sight! He would go ballistic if it was the other way round so I don’t know why he does it to me! I’ve been 100% loyal to him through our whole relationship.

I am over a barrel because I told him I would stop checking up on him if he stops the hiding things from me, the last row we had he said he is at the point of leaving because he can’t deal with feeling spied on all the time and me questioning him and checking up! So if I confront him he will know I have checked his phone again and he will most likely walk out and say he’s done, if I keep quiet then I have to live my life knowing he can lie to me as much as he wants because I can’t confront him, and that he talks to his ex wife in secret! I’m honestly so shocked he has been Snapchatting her and also that she even accepted him and has been speaking to him, their relationship ended badly and she hated his guts and they’ve had no contact for years!
I hate Snapchat because it’s so easy to be sneaky with it because the conversations self delete after being read!

He has previously said I shouldn’t hold the past against him and in some situations that is true but when history just repeats itself all the time what am I supposed to do! I love him and our little family to bits and maybe I don’t always show him enough, sometimes I think that’s just how it is when you have young kids but running to other women isnt the way to sort our issues out and it’s breaking me! In other ways things are ok, we have plans for the future and have a big holiday booked for next year, all the lying aside I don’t think either of us are completely happy, he can be miserable with me sometimes and says and does things that hurts my feelings which make me think he has checked out of the relationship, also I know I’m not perfect, I know he wants more love and affection than I show him, and I know I should show it more, it’s a bit of a deep rooted problem of mine from childhood, that I need to work on, not being good at being affectionate, and I’m probably a pain in the backside too. I love him so much though and I don’t know how I would cope if he left, I know our relationship is not at all heathy though but I just don’t know what to do! I hope I’ve made sense.

[SunburstsOrMarbleHalls]

Rip the plaster off OP and end this toxic relationship. You said yourself that you recognise this is not a healthy relationship and with young children to consider this is not a good model of a mutually respectful partnership.

His repeated behaviour is clearly ingrained and he appears to show no accountability or remorse for his actions. He does not respect you or your marriage.

You sound as if you are in a perpetual loop, he becomes secretive, you spot something is off and feel compelled to snoop, you catch him out, he blames you, you feel guilty for snooping and then you forgive him.... rinse and repeat.

There is no trust and there can never be because he is a compulsive liar, a repeated cheater and a gaslighter to boot. You recognise you may have deep rooted insecurities and your husband is manipulating and exploiting this to deflect from his behaviour.

You self esteem and mental health with diminish the longer you stay.

[Silverfoxbunny]

Thank you for your reply, you are spot on with everything you’ve said. Someone else has told me that he seems like he needs to be the centre of attention all the time and if he’s not getting that from me he seeks it from other people! It’s just so difficult to make that decision to finally make him deal with the consequences of his actions over the years, because that means ending our relationship and I still love him so much and the kids will be heartbroken!

[Anordinarymum]

But OP.. he does not love you or he would not be doing this

[Aquamarine1029]

He has showed you exactly who he is from the very beginning and he's never going to change. Get out of this nightmare and move on.

[Holothane]

Go and go now he’s ruining your life, get ducks in order all the help you need, your life is precious don’t life like this for years hugs 💐💐💐💐💐💐

[CuppaZa]

Jesus, confront him and kick the bastard out. He has zero loyalty and respect for you. If you don’t, this will be your life

[Bunnymumy]

You talk about loving him but where is his love for you? Heck, where is your love for you?

I walked away from someone in my past because I finally accepted the fact that they would never choose me. It would always be someone or something else. And that really, this in itself, was in order to show me it would never be me. Because all he really cared about, was himself.

I woke up to it and I walked away because I chose me. Best decision of my life. I still feel a tinge of sadness but its bittersweet. I feel sorry for him as he will never truly love anyone. But I feel more sorry for myself having wasted those years loving someone who is incapable of love.

He is a cup with a hole in it. Stop pouring.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why on earth would the children be heartbroken if you and this man split up permanently?.

What is there exactly to love about this individual at all?. Why are his needs here seemingly more important than yours?.

[AbiPat]

Gosh this sounds awful :( I'm soo sorry you've been through this, I know how hard it is when you lobe someone and you find them messaging but honestly he sounds awful I know that doesn't help as you love him but if you can I think you should get some space from him to think things through.

[SortingItOut]

Do you actually love him or do you love the person he was when you first got together and the fact he is the father of your children?

He may love you in his own way but he doesnt respect you.

Why do you think you deserbe this behaviour? You deserve so much more.

My husband did this for 17 years, i didnt leave because he threatened to kill himself each time, any love i had for him died right at the start.
I made plans to leave when my youngest was 18, at the time i made the decision she was 8.
In the end i left when my youngest was 15.

My husband couldn't believe i had left him after all the times he had cheated, he told me he did it for an ego boost and would never have left me so basically he expected me to put up with it.

If the tables were turned he would have been livid with me.

Dont be like me and waste more years of your life with a man who treats you badly and doesnt actually care about you.

[Arrivederla]

This is awful, awful behaviour from him op. You need to get out now - there is no other way.

[AnnaNimmity]

if he loved you he would treat you with respect and wouldn't cheat on you and lie to you.

Walk away and show your children that you won't be treated like this. Respect yourself and walk away. This isn't love OP.

[Greenkit]

Leave him

He is playing away, all the time, he is disrespecting you and taking you for a mug.

The whole, I can't cope with your paranoia I'm leaving. Is basically saying shut up and put up or I'm off.

Don't give him any more of you time and effort.

[SunburstsOrMarbleHalls]

If you leave then inevitably while your children adjust they will be upset by the change in circumstances but they are young and will adapt quickly. Children can be amazingly resilient and settle quickly once they have a new routine established.

IYou have heard from posters who have been in similar situations and from experience have urged you not to waste years of your life with a partner who treats you so badly. Listen to them and put yourself and your children's happiness first.

I don't doubt that you love your husband but if he loved you in the same way then he really would not behave this way.

He faces no consequences for his awful behaviour and it doesn't sound as if he even wants to change his behaviour. His selfish, constant need to be the centre of attention and feed his own ego will be his priority always, it is who he is.

The use of emotional blackmail by threatening to leave you due to your "spying" just adds to his controlling vile behaviour. If you do leave him he will no doubt tell all and sundry that it was your fault so be prepared for that little predictable performance.

Don't let him control the narrative of your life, you deserve respect love and happiness.

[SandyY2K]

There's an imbalance in your relationship and his repeated inappropriate relationships and contact with these other women amounts to abuse.

I wouldn't even confront him...I would take your time to build your confidence up and get your ducks in a row to end this relationship.

It just becomes stressful and exhausting having to police your husband like this.

Take your mind off him...start focusing on yourself.... get into a good place and make plans for a life without him.

Aim to have a decent coparent relationship. You don't need the drama of repeatedly raising the same issues.

If he's willing to go to Maidstone counselling...maybe you can resist the issues in a safe space and you can get a sense of if he wants to be in this marriage and have a good marriage.

[Skyla2005]

So sorry to read this. I’m afraid men like him never charge it’s something that’s in them that you can’t ever stop. It seems like they have to have attention from other women all the time they crave it. Probably deep down he has low self esteem and needs this ego boost. You are the mother of his children that should be enough for him but it never will be. You can’t fix him. If you stay he will ruin you and that will not be good for your children. Walk away with your head held high no matter what he says to get you back. I know it will be so hard but it’s the only way. X

[conduitoffortune]

Wow, he really is a little scrub. I don't understand why you haven't left him already, what more could he possibly do to hurt, belittle and disrespect you? He will never, ever change no matter how hard you will him to, and currently you are wasting the best years of your life tying yourself up in knots over his repeated infidelities. I promise that you will be so much happier in the future if you leave him, no matter how painful it might feel initially.

[wildone84]

You have trust issues because he isn't trustworthy. Simple as that. He's gaslighting you. The issues aren't yours - they're his. You need to leave him because you deserve someone who is trustworthy.

There's no way that this part of your post:

"And talking about pubs with accommodation and innuendos about not wanting to eat too much because of not wanting to do much afterwards otherwise 🤦‍♀️when I confronted him about that one he told me he was trying to catch her out and see if she would bite because she had been messing around with some bloke at work! There is always an excuse!"

...Is him telling the truth.

He's lying to you.

[Lifeislikeaboxofchocolat]

How many more women are you willing to tolerate before you put yourself and your young children first?
I’m sorry, I had this same situation minus kids and I got out for my own sanity. You owe it to your children to set the example, you all deserve so much better. I just hope you realise in time that you need leave him. He only wants you for self gratification, and to make you feel shit about yourself and not worth anyone’s while.... so far he’s succeeded! Change it! Wishing you luck and most of all strength x

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

He’s really done a number on you!! Making you feel guilty for checking his phone, when you have every reason to.

[Silverfoxbunny]

Thank you everyone for your comments, just a bit of an update, so he was hiding his phone and then after a while he’s stopped being protective of it, obviously I’ve had another look on it when the opportunity came up, it turns out he hasn’t actually been chatting to his ex, it appears that he tried to add her and he sent her messages, and she never actually responded (I did a bit of research into Snapchat and his messages to her said pending which means she’s obviously seen it and thought sod off!)
But clearly the intention was there since he was trying to engage in conversation with her! I think once he realised he was never going to get a reply from her he stopped being so paranoid about leaving his phone.
Also, his phone went off in the middle of the night about a week ago, it was a WhatsApp woman that he had most recently been deleting texts from, (the one where I as far as I know was just general chit chat and banter and nothing sinister) the message literally just said ‘oioi’ , a few days later I wanted to know what else was said after that and lo and behold it is all deleted! What’s worse is I’ve found out that he blocks her on his days off so he can’t receive messages from her and can leave his phone laying about with me none the wiser, and then unblocks her when he’s at work! I won’t bore everyone with how I know this but I know I’m definitely not wrong! So that is completely shifty as well and how am I supposed to believe that these are just innocent conversations! She must be in on it too otherwise she would find it very strange being constantly blocked and unblocked! I’m still finding it impossible to want to get rid of him but I know I deserve better! Earlier one of the kids said ‘when is daddy coming home?’ And I said when he’s finished work, and he said ‘but I love daddy’ and it made me think how can I take their dad away from them :( x

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

All I can hear from you is blaming yourself, reproaching yourself, making excuses for him, allowances for him.
Please dont be a doormat to this vile egotistical twat any longer.
There is zero respect
There is no effort on his part
He can see you are hurt but does not care
He is acting like a single player, but with the comforts of home
So you dont have to deal with the actual reality of the painful truth, you are hooked on the detective drama you engage in.
Worse, everytime you forgive and it resets you are saying ' I give you the green light to continue to shite all over me, treat me like absolute dirt because actually I am pretty worthless with zero value'
This is not even close to love
You are worth a million of him.
Leave leave leave, tell him to crack on being a sleaze bag and work on your self esteem and leave him to his trolloping about.
You are addicted to him and the highs and lows, detox him and be happy.
Loads of books you could read, women who love too much, codependancy no more.
Stop blaming yourself, hes done a number on you, thats actually very abusive

[conduitoffortune]

So you're just going to be a passenger in your own life and watch as he cheats on you over and over again until the end of time?

[Dollyrocket]

Harsh words OP, but surely this isn’t a family you want your children growing up in and learning how a family should be is it? A doormat of a mother who is repeatedly disrespected and mugged off, year after year after year.. You really need to wake up, this guy is never going to stop lying and cheating and looking for his next hit.

You also need to get yourself STI tested.

This isn’t about you not being good enough or affectionate for him, it’s about him being a pathetic and desperate creep who will even try and get it on with his ex-wife!!

Get your head together and kick his arse to the curb!!

[kazzer2867]

Someone else has told me that he seems like he needs to be the centre of attention all the time and if he’s not getting that from me he seeks it from other people!

What complete and utter crap. It's like the old adage 'my wife doesn't understand me.' Let's be honest he's a cheat and not a good one at that. Sorry OP, but he's doing this because he knows he can. He has zero respect for you, zilch. Only you can decide what your life will be. If he's at the point of leaving, open the door and wave him goodbye. It's time for you to take back control and stop this man making a fool out of you.