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Things your DH/partner did that broke you it was so cruel and how you survived it

(40 Posts)
TableTalks Mon 20-Jul-20 11:13:36

Earlier this year my relatively new DP of a year and I moved in together. We were so happy. I won’t list the day to day stuff but everything was great, he’d talked about marriage and a future and that he wanted me sat on the same sofa with him in 40 years to come. Constantly said to me we were a good team and the best fit he’d ever had with someone. I had no reason to doubt him. Until I fell pregnant, unplanned, and he broke up with me while I was miscarrying (though this wasn’t confirmed until later on, I was mildly bleeding at the time and in pain). He said I had been ‘a mess’ for the week we knew it was happening and that I was someone who couldn’t cope with life’s challenges and that miscarriage wasn’t a big deal anyway. I felt like I had been hit in my stomach I was so shocked, I still feel that way now, it almost makes me lose my breath when I think about it. Luckily I had my own place that was about 4 weeks from being rented out when this happened, so I moved back there. I bled all the way home (two hour drive), with all my things in the car, after he told me I had to move out there and then.

I look back on it now and can’t believe it all happened. I can’t believe that was the same man I met and fell for and spent wonderful days with. It must have been fake. I never heard from him after I left his house, only a text in which he wanted to check that ‘it had gone.’ I never replied and the last thing he said to me was that if I hadn’t miscarried he wanted to be clear he wanted nothing to do with it.

I’ve moved on in the sense that time has passed and I don’t wake up in utter shock anymore. But god it makes me feel so so so hurt whenever I think of it.

Anyone out there to tell me you do get over these things fully and don’t have moments when you still feel in pain about it?

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AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit Mon 20-Jul-20 11:17:26

I'm sorry this happened to you. Time. The only thing that is ever going to heal you is time. Sadly there is no quick fix. X

TableTalks Mon 20-Jul-20 11:19:40

Thanks. I am ok generally I think but sometimes it will suddenly hit me and I just feel in shock and confused and in pain. I’ve never met anyone I really and truly hated but I do believe that man is evil. I am not sure I will ever take anyone at face value again!

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Bumpsadaisie Mon 20-Jul-20 11:24:39

Table, you poor thing - I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know it is painful but you have dodged a huge bullet with that guy.

Most people are NOT like that.

Good luck love.

TableTalks Mon 20-Jul-20 11:25:32

The few people I have told have said this. I wish I had never met him. I feel totally embarrassed to have trusted someone and put my all into life with them.

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anonnnnni Mon 20-Jul-20 11:25:37

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Time is a fabulous medicine. Take all you need.

Feel like I got off lightly in comparison...

Fairly early on in my last relationship (four months), I was arranging to get my contraceptive implant changed. The topic of getting pregnant came up and my then-partner gestured to a coat hanger that was in close range and ‘joked’ about using that should my contraception fail. I immediately burst into tears and I’m not the crying type.

....and then I stayed for 2 more years 🤦🏻‍♀️

Herja Mon 20-Jul-20 11:31:26

If I'm 100% honest, I have never got over the worst things. I will not say them, because it is unnecessary and detracts from your thread. However, I have found time to be the biggest healer. As with any grief, as time passes, the pain lessens and becomes manageable, then slowly you no longer think about it.

How you were treated was monstrous. I agree that it seems what was real for you, was fake for him. This is one of the things that causes the most hurt for me, not so much the things he did (though they were truly quite shocking in some instances), but the realisation that while MY love was real, everything else was all a lie. I decided in the end that it wasn't actually anything to do with me; he had not targeted me specifically, but was just a cunt, who would have been a cunt to whoever he was with. I have found this to be very helpful in moving past this and also with not treating the entire world with great suspicion. I had struggled with trusting anything at all that anyone said.

This will get better. It will. One day he will just be a bad memory you dismiss. Hang in there love, because I promise you, this will change.

TableTalks Mon 20-Jul-20 11:39:53

Thank you so much

When I did some digging I realised he had huge psychiatric problems a few years back and his last relationship ended badly, she wanted nothing to do with him. These things help a bit as they try and make me see that not everyone will be like this.

I don’t feel as broken as I did but that sick feeling is still there when I think of it. He has a respected job and one thing that makes me sick and uneasy is that the general public would think he was wonderful. It’s sickening.

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Herja Mon 20-Jul-20 11:47:15

I know what you mean about the sick feeling. You remember something and the bottom of your stomach drops out. I have found now though, some time on, that most of the time (not all, but nearly all) when these thoughts come to my mind, I am able to just think 'Wanker!' and be rid of the thought, before I'm properly thinking about it. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Like I can feel the thought there, as if in peripheral vision but my mind instead, but be rid of it before I'm really thinking about it. It really is just time. Which is a bit of a fucker. I wish life had a fast forward switch sometimes!

GotBeatenUp Mon 20-Jul-20 11:47:25

@TableTalks, similar to you in that he promised me the future.
You can tell from my user name what he did to me.
Told everyone I was a psycho.

I suspect that he had some mental problem.

It made me question my ability to judge a character.

Not everyone will be like them.

TableTalks Mon 20-Jul-20 11:50:22

So sorry that happened to you. How awful.

There are some truly nasty people about. I feel so stupid for being involved with him. I was so happy too which is what shocks me.

I don’t think I will ever let anyone in again.

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BobbinThreadbare123 Mon 20-Jul-20 11:51:45

My XH behaved abominably towards me when I was very sick. It was ever an inconvenience and an annoyance (as if I was doing it on purpose to get at him hmm). There's an X there for a reason.
There are nice people out there; I found DH and he is a good'un.
Cliché here but the healer was time. Being on my own for a decent while before letting anyone else into my life. Put your boundaries up tight and don't bend.

Captnip500 Mon 20-Jul-20 11:56:42

I was with my ex partner for 6 and a half years. I loved him very deeply and believed he loved me deeply too. Looking back there were problems in the relationship all along but not enough to stop me from living with him, travelling with him, planning a family and a life together. I truly believed he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with, my best friend. We did so much together, had so many laughs and adventures.

Then my mother got cancer and I returned to my home town temporarily to look after her while she was having treatment. I was terrified she would die and it was a very difficult time for me. She was very sick and almost did die a couple of times.

At that moment, when I was at my most vulnerable, my partner’s personality completely changed. He because quite aggressive, totally unsupportive, staring drinking more heavily and lost all interest in me. I found out (by checking messages) that he was having an affair with a woman we both knew. He had even told her he loved her and had been sleeping with her for some time. He had made fun of me too her at times and had told her that he didn’t want to be with me. One of the things that has hurt the most was that he had taken her out to a place that we used to go to on his birthdays, it wasn’t kinda ‘our place’. I have no idea how he could do that.

It still boggles my mind to this day that he could be capable of such cruelty towards me. And that I had been so close to him for so many years and wasn’t so aware of this side to him. Really shook my trust on my own judgement and made me wary of people.

madcatladyforever Mon 20-Jul-20 11:58:03

I'm so sorry OP that was just a terrible way to behave but I think in a way better this happened before you married him and you weren't stuck with this utter bastard your whole life. He sounds extremely abusive.
My first husband did not believe in marital rape so I suffered that for 8 years but somehow I am over it. Probably becuase I hammered him in court and had the satisfaction of seeing him go down. that helps a lot.
2nd husband to this day I am unable to get over the constant drip, drip drip, of his never ending sexual demands. Always moaning, whining and sulking when he couldn't get sex every night and to be honest the more they do this the less you want to.
It was a relief when that marriage ended but I don't think I could allow a man to touch me again. It makes me shudder just to think of it.
I hpe you find someone lovely that you deserve.

shellsontheshore Mon 20-Jul-20 12:01:08

Really sorry you experienced this and want to wish you the very best x

shellsontheshore Mon 20-Jul-20 12:01:18

Really sorry you experienced this and want to wish you the very best x

InkieNecro Mon 20-Jul-20 12:04:24

Hm, where should I start?

Screamed and shouted at me daily until I cried

Refused to have sex unless I didn't want to and then was told I was the reason for a crap sex life

Swore at me if I tried to wake him to help with infant children

Slept with 7 other women while leaving me with an infant and toddler

Screamed at me to shut up while I was having a contraction

Left me on the bathroom floor with my newborn while he left the room for privacy for his phone call to the maternity unit and ambulance about me having given birth on the bathroom floor

Went to a hotel on paternity leave while I had my second baby and a toddler

Put his hands on my neck in an argument which was the catalyst for me to leave

Many other things, but too numerous to list.

I am happier now, you will feel better with time, I promise.

Sk1nnyB1tch Mon 20-Jul-20 12:09:06

I think PP are right it is time alone that gets rid of the drop in your stomach feeling.
But please don't feel like you were stupid.
I have always been wary and slow to trust with men.
My childhood friend has always been far too trusting and quick to fall in love (in my eyes).
We have both been hurt and neither of us deserved it or brought it on ourselves.
A lot of our experiences in life are just luck.

TableTalks Mon 20-Jul-20 12:12:12

Wow some of these things are so awful.

I agree a lot of it is luck.

Sometimes I sit here and think does he actually consider he might have a child out there and doesn’t care?! He’s never even asked all these months later. If you’d told me a man could do that before this happened I would have said no way, they’d surely want to know and want to there. I think that will always amaze me

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Sn0tnose Mon 20-Jul-20 12:18:28

What he did to you is breathtakingly cruel. You are not stupid for believing what he told you. Nobody in the world would expect that a normal human being would act like that. You cannot blame yourself for not identifying him as a wicked person before he let you see him doing anything wicked.

Mine is long and boring; I remember the pain more than the actual details of what happened. But now, with hindsight, I thank God he did it, because if he hadn’t, I would have married him and would have lost my home, my family, my friends and my mind and I wouldn’t have anything I have now.

coffeecroissant Mon 20-Jul-20 12:19:42

Oh OP. I'm so sorry for you. That sounds so awful.

My 'D'P - ex-P?- did something similar. I was due to have an early abortion the next morning (I was too young and had an unstable, party lifestyle at that point) and was very sad and guilty about the whole experience. I spent the evening crying, only to be shouted at around 1am and told that I needed to calm down as I would give him a head-ache. I was so sad and just felt so, so isolated and bereft. The same thing happened the following year, when I has a miscarriage.

I was so distraught that I knew at that point he would never be willing to emotionally support me through something similar. I still stayed with him for two and more years. Since then he's called me names, enjoys bringing up sensitive topics to embarras me and I can count on one hand the number of times he's initiated any sort of affection.I am walking on eggshells around him. It's funny what we will put up with when we have so little self-esteem.

TableTalks Mon 20-Jul-20 12:24:39

Coffee are you still with him now?

I just can’t believe some people can be so cruel!

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Onacleardayyoucansee Mon 20-Jul-20 12:32:32

Had a casual but long term relationship with someone, when I fell pregnant he told me "if you have this baby you are on your own"
I had two DC already.

He had the means to support us all, (I was studying in my final year and working p/t and could no way cope without him)
I was very early in pregnancy and had a medical termination.

This was years ago and he still sends me the odd simpering email saying he hopes we are alright and he loves me.

I think these "men" can't stand not being the centre of attention and something has gone wrong in their development.

I'm sorry for what you went through OP.

Knittingnanny Mon 20-Jul-20 12:33:31

I’ve got 3 adult sons, 2 with young families and one single living with a flatmate. I “ made” them do basic things to help around the house from about 10 and made sure they were well equipped with enough skills to live independently away at university.
I gave them a basic sum each week for pocket money which never altered but they could earn a bit more if they were helpful and did the things I’d requested. In my experience they needed direction for a long time, they just didn’t seem to notice when stuff needed doing.
The married ones are excellent partners in household and child stuff. I hope I made it clear to them that there were no “ women’s” jobs in a family scenario. My daughter in laws are pleased that they have not got manchild husbands.
Although my younger son was brought up the same way I think looking back he was a bit spoiled by his much older brothers. He still calls me to ask household questions!
I think you will be doing your stepson a great service by equipping him with these life skills. In my first ( abusive) marriage I lived full time with my 8 year old stepson. Who was waited on hand and foot by his father and basically was allowed to expect me to be his personal servant. I was not allowed to ask him to do anything. He grew up with a very distorted view of a partnership and took until his forties to work out this was not normal.

Knittingnanny Mon 20-Jul-20 12:34:48

Oops sorry wrong thread please ignore!!!!

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