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I'm being blamed for our problems

(31 Posts)
IdowhatIwantnow Mon 20-Jul-20 04:12:24

Hi everyone,

My DH and I have been together for 2 years, married 1 year. We didn't live with each other util after we married, and our relationship since then has been gradually deteriorating.

He's suffered from debilitating anxiety since he was young and has been on anti anxiety meds for a little over a year. He says he feels 100% better, but the anxiety is still there. He's asked me not to do certain activities, or mention certain things because they cause him anxiety, which I did in the beginning (I am a bit of a people pleaser) because I thought I was being supportive. But things just got worse, and he gets more and more irritated and frustrated with me, to the point that my mental health nose dived and I was crying all the time.
(I have another thread buried here somewhere going into a little more detail)

I've been staying for the last 2 weeks or so in my own home, separate from him, just to clear my head. He's staying at the new home we bought last year. I've told him that I'm doing my part (meds and therapy) but that I can't fix us by myself.

Tonight he texted me, accusing me of deleting him off fb (I deleted fb several months ago because he got on me for spending so much time on it from his perspective). I denied it, but admitted to removing him as a follower on a sports training tracking site which made him furious.

He tells me that I need to up my meds and that I'm not thinking straight, and he did so again tonight via text. He said that deleting him off the strava site was "not healthy" and that it really hurt him. But whenever I try to tell him that him berating me or getting irritated with me hurts me, it falls on deaf ears. I feel like I'm talking to a wall, and he doesn't acknowledge my pain at all. When we had a virtual chat before all of this went down, he blamed me for his reaction (he cut me off mid sentence saying, "I don't want to hear about this!" when I mentioned my abusive parent in passing) and said that he had told me over and over that he never wanted to hear about that parent ever, and that if I mention her again, I can expect the same reaction.

I can't sleep tonight because my mind is racing. I can't believe this is happening to us. I have nothing at my house except a few clothes and my bed and a folding chair, and the rest of my things are at the other house, several hours away.

I just needed to write this out tonight, just to do something. I meet with my therapist this week and I hope I can keep it together until then. I feel so alone and unseen and unloved. I know there's really nothing I can do unless he learns how to own his shit. But I'm so very, very sad.

Because I know I'll be asked, I'm mid 50s, he's mid 40s, no kids on either side.

Thanks for reading.

OP’s posts: |
Monty27 Mon 20-Jul-20 04:15:41

OP I've just skimmed through your post as it's long and I need to sleep but didn't want to leave you hanging.
Sleep on it and keep strong. flowers

AdultHumanFemale Mon 20-Jul-20 04:34:02

flowers, OP.
I read your thread as if you were both much younger, but after reading towards the end that he's in his 40s, I am afraid my heart sank.
I recognise some of these behaviours and traits in a previous partner who is also a life-long sufferer of anxiety, and resonate with how you experience this. I have reached the conclusion that, at this age, the anxiety is entrenched and the crossover into controlling, coercive and manipulative behaviour is not coincidental. Anxiety defends itself tooth and nail, and will not be reasoned with, when coupled with a character that is lacking in empathy. It won't stop. He's gaslighting you, blaming you and creating impossible set-ups where it seems you can't do right for doing wrong.
This is not how we treat people we care about, let alone have married because we supposedly love them.
How would you fare financially in a divorce?
Take heart, it really isn't you. It's him.

amiascrazyastheysay Mon 20-Jul-20 04:44:34

He sounds really emotional abusive op are you sure you want to stay with him? And please don't up your meds. He's not your doctor

rvby Mon 20-Jul-20 04:52:49

I think I remember your previous thread.

My love - you don't have to do this. You don't need to try to save this. You really don't.

He doesn't sound kind or reasonable.

What do you want to do?

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood Mon 20-Jul-20 04:58:00

Get all your belongings back.

Then divorce him.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 20-Jul-20 05:38:38

Please op, end this marriage now. It's already over and nothing could ever fix it. Cut your losses and run like hell.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism Mon 20-Jul-20 05:58:49

Being understanding of someone else's wounding and supportive of them does not mean tolerating unacceptable behaviour. Nor does it mean we should allow our own needs to be denied. This relationship seems intolerable for you. His anxiety does not negate your need for love and respect. He needs to hear that and change, or there's no future.

slipperywhensparticus Mon 20-Jul-20 06:03:10

You don't need meds you need to get rid of thst mill stone from around your neck

AgentProvocateur Mon 20-Jul-20 06:05:39

Please don’t waste any more of your life on this guy. Get your belongings and start divorce proceedings. You deserve much better.

Windmillwhirl Mon 20-Jul-20 06:12:49

I am sorry you are feeling like this, op.

I was in a similar situation nearly 20 years ago. Was young and had bought a house with someone and realised soon after it had been a massive mistake. I didnt know what to do and felt trapped. I knew in my heart it had to end but the house complicated everything. In my case he was violent one night and that was it. We put the house up for sale. I had nowhere else to go and was too ashamed to tell anyone so had to live in the same house, locking my bedroom door at night. Eventually I found somewhere else to live and the house was sold. I have never seen him since.

You are clearly a kind and understanding person, you altered your behaviour to suit him and now he is saying everything is your fault. It's not.

I would suggest you stop trying to make this relationship work. He has done nothing to improve things. Imagine a life pandering to his needs and always putting yourself second? How does that sit with you? This is who he is and that is not a kind, reasoned man.

Is it possible to get an earlier appointment with your counsellor?

There is no shame in walking away from a marriage, certainly an abusive one like this.

Re your parent he doesn't want to hear about... were they abusive? Does it upset him when you talk about things that don't relate to him generally?

He does not want to address any of his faults but instead blame you. It sounds like you are accepting all this blame. Talk that out with your therapist and try and envisage a life where you arent walking on eggshells and can be yourself again.

Want better fir yourself x

AgentJohnson Mon 20-Jul-20 06:59:17

You’re right, you can’t fix this alone but he isn’t interested in helping. Your options are limited and you’ve spent a year endangering your mh in the hope that he might be different.

This is who he is and for the sake of your mh, you need to make the break permanent.

Fanthorpe Mon 20-Jul-20 07:13:10

He’s required you to change aspects of what you do and say to make yourself acceptable to him, yet when you have you still appear to be breaking his rules. He’s setting you up to fail, no one can be themselves if they’re trying to remember how not to upset someone like you are. Hence your upset, confusion, distress.

You’ve done the right thing in removing yourself. Do you have other people in your life you can call on for support? Call on them. Can your therapist offer an emergency session, even by phone? Email and ask.

He’s not in any state to be in a relationship with you, getting upset over being deleted from an app is extraordinarily reactive. Think about yourself.

GreenLeafTurnip Mon 20-Jul-20 07:40:48

Honestly OP I think you should leave him. Why would you want to be with someone who isn't supportive of you?

IdowhatIwantnow Mon 20-Jul-20 07:43:21

Everyone's kindness here has made me cry again and I don't feel so alone. flowers Thank you, all of you for being so supportive and gentle with me.

I'll reply after I've had some sleep and can think clearly again, but I wanted you all to know how much I appreciate your kindness tonight. xoxo

OP’s posts: |
Imissmoominmama Mon 20-Jul-20 07:51:48

This isn’t how it has to be for you. His behaviour is making you ill, instead of your support helping to make him better. Please don’t let him take you down with him.

I had a boyfriend like this in my early 30s. I hadn’t realised just how low I was until my parents broke into my house when I was out because they hadn’t heard from me and were worried that he’d sent me over the edge. That was my wake up call- he was affecting more than me. As I got better, it became apparent just how much his behaviour had impacted upon me.

I suspect you know deep down what you need to do. Good luck.

Shoxfordian Mon 20-Jul-20 07:59:13

Have some sleep op
Don't carry on with this marriage, he can't make you happy

madcatladyforever Mon 20-Jul-20 08:05:49

This isn't a happy marriage. My last marriage was also to a man 11 years younger, I'm around the same age as you.
The lack of maturity in him was potent, we are much mort mature in our 50's and the clash can be horrible.
I'd skip this marriage as soon as possible and at our age we do need to take care of our assets and pension. A divorce from a much younger man or anyone really can cause devastating repurcussions in our retirement.
A friend of mine has lost a third of her pension to her much younger ex and is now retired in poverty.
It seems romantic at the time but it's madness, by all means live with them but don't marry. I think this marriage is over.

Colourmeclear Mon 20-Jul-20 11:45:37

I really feel for you. It reminds me of a relationship I was in. He is conditioning you into being less than you really are:

By shutting down your mention of an abusive parent he is telling you not to bring your troubles to the relationship. You can't count on him to be there for you. Rather than accept you have needs if he shuts it down it will just go away because you won't try again. The fallout is too painful.

By telling you you need more medication and essentially sort yourself out he is saying that there is something in you that needs fixing and it's all on you. (I doubt that's true). So you will turn all your energy inwards to be better when really he needs to give too. It's easy to think that this means he cares about you, encouraging treatment etc but it's deflection. You are wrong for me so change.

Anxiety is not an excuse to be controlling and it reeks of hypocrisy when he is damaging your own wellbeing on the pretense that it's his MH condition that you need to accommodate. He is unaccountable in his eyes and you instead are 100% responsible which you aren't but you aren't powerless, you can leave.

IdowhatIwantnow Mon 20-Jul-20 13:27:16

I tried to sleep but I just couldn't quiet my mind. So I got dressed and went to the gym, but left after 15 minutes. My head just wasn't in it.

I'm forcing myself to eat since I've dropped 10 lbs and I can't afford to lose anymore.

So I'm just going to re-read all of your kind responses of support, because I need some kindness right now and to feel like I AM doing all that I can to heal myself and own my part of this mess.

Thank you all for being so lovely. Please don't stop, even if I don't do what I think I should do and it takes me longer to get there - wherever "there" is.

He was my best friend, my person, my partner in life.

I know that shortly after we married and moved in together, he got a medical marijuana card and has been vaping THC pretty much nonstop all day, every day since then for his anxiety, in addition to his prescription meds. Prior to that, it was regular marijuana he baked into cookies.

But to diagnose anything is not my job. I can only take care of myself.

His mom and I are very close and we're supposed to get together for dinner Wednesday. She is so loving and kind to me because I'm the daughter she never thought she'd have, and she always texts me hearts and flowers and lovely words, so now I'm sobbing again.

She's in her late 70s and there's no way I can tell her what's going on.

OP’s posts: |
Windmillwhirl Mon 20-Jul-20 13:37:03

It seems as if the marijuana is not working. Ypu cant fix him and he seems to not want to address the relationship issues in a reasoned way. There will be a breaking point for you. Just dont lose yourself in trying to help him. You will be the one that loses out if you do this.

IdowhatIwantnow Mon 20-Jul-20 16:12:16

@Monty27 - thank you for being there last night
@AdultHumanFemale - I would be ok financially, but I'm in the middle of a lawsuit against a former financial advisor who lost my life savings in a Ponzi like scheme. So I have no savings and a small pension, but that would cover my mortgage. And I know - it does read like we're both much younger!
@amiascrazyastheysay Don't worry, I'm not. I've been at this dosage for about 20 years now, and it works well. But it's only an SSRI for depression. It doesn't magically stop the tears flowing.
@rvby Yes, I had to delete that thread because I was outed. Too many details. Thank you for being kind.
@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood (your username made me smile) and @Aquamarine1029 I hear you both. I do. First I have to get stronger emotionally. I am safe in my home and can stay here forever if I need to.

I'll address the rest of you kind posters later. I'm worn out already.

flowers to all of you!!

OP’s posts: |
monkeymonkey2010 Mon 20-Jul-20 17:24:12

My DH and I have been together for 2 years, married 1 year
Sounds very rushed.....

We didn't live with each other util after we married, and our relationship since then has been gradually deteriorating
So you've discovered that rushing into this was not a good idea......or has he got you convinced that it's your job to rescue him -especially now that he's got you 'tied' to him by marriage?

Tappering Mon 20-Jul-20 18:11:21

He's emotionally abusing you.

Divorce him and I suspect that the increased anxiety and depression you are currently experiencing, will disappear again.

My DH does not like my mum. He finds her exhausting, emotionally manipulative and generally unpleasant. He will sit and listen to me for hours when I'm upset and struggling because she's been unkind. He will gently try and support me without being pushy, in setting boundaries to protect myself. He will sit there and cuddle me when I'm crying and know that I need to just let go rather than talking about it.

That's what a best friend and a life partner does - not forbid you from talking about things that they don't want to hear.

IdowhatIwantnow Mon 20-Jul-20 21:17:09

I talked with my therapist today - she changed days for me. We're meeting again in 3 days.

She said she was impressed with how I handled things - deciding not to sell my home at the 11th hour. And that no big decisions need to be made right now, because, obviously, my emotions are running on high and thinking about my dreams evaporating at the moment is just too much for me to handle.

I'm trying to focus on being present in the now and taking one minute at a time. I actually got showered and dressed and walked to my favorite local restaurant for dinner. I'm getting tired of frozen dinners. smile

I'm also exhausted so I'm looking forward to a good sleep tonight.

I promise to reply to all of you lovely people when I'm able. For now, I'm so thankful for a safe place to come and just let it all out.

OP’s posts: |

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