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Does an abuser ever change??

(46 Posts)
Eve2008 Sun 19-Jul-20 23:34:11

As the title says! I've been with someone for three years on and off! The first year he was violent, controlling and manipulating! That first year he promised he would never physically touch me again..... and now into the third year he hasn't.... but nothing else has changed really. Yes we might be good for a while but soon his cracks start to show and he stops helping me around the house or even contributing, we don't live together but he acts like it's his when he is here but then can't even bring a toothbrush and expects me to get one for him.... sounds petty I know but trust me when I say he's been financially hard up since I met him! I had five grand in the bank saved and now I'm debt with step change managing my outgoings because of him. You can't ever talk to him because whatever I say is wrong or he has a twist, or he storms off and leaves! Then I'll get loads of messages saying you shouldn't have done this and remember that time we broke up for 6 months and you dated that fella, well he's rich, I'm sorry I'm not rich and I'm not good enough for you! That sort of thing and then it's, I love you, you know this is just how we get, but I know we've got true love for each other ..... so let's move on..... I come to tonight. We've been back together now around 4 weeks, this was after a couple months not together again. Things have been ok, they always are. But then he stops picking up after himself, leaving cups around you know what I mean. Not arriving with dinner, or he's turned up after work and I've cooked dinner, this was last night and I thought we could watch a film and he falls asleep, which he always does so what's the point in him coming to time??? Tonight around 10pm I go into the bathroom and the toilet seat is broken, he denies all knowledge of this and not only that the bath is dirty from when he bathes last night and then this evening after I had a shower and then sprayed and cleaned up he got in after me and when I was trying to fix the toilet both the bath and shower are dirty, the sink is filthy, his clothes, sorry my shorts because he's stopped bringing spare clothes now and thinks he can just lounge in my comfy shorts well they are on the floor. I raise all this to him without shouting, having an adult conversation and he stormed off shouting oh do you know what..... he then said all that stuff how I must of had some text from a fella tonight and that's why I'm being moody and then he mumbles some other stuff and so because I can see where this is going to go I ask him to leave which he isn't happy about, he does slamming the door and not saying one word to me. He will be home in about an hour and I'm sure the rubbish messages will start blaming me then when he's cooled down it will be I'm sorry and let's move on............. so does it ever change?????

OP’s posts: |
Lemonmaid Sun 19-Jul-20 23:36:12

I think you know the answer @Eve2008 flowers

GreenTulips Sun 19-Jul-20 23:36:54


lukasiak Sun 19-Jul-20 23:38:33

Let's put it this way: there's a reason they put dogs who bite down.

Starlightstarbright1 Sun 19-Jul-20 23:42:31

If it hasn’t now you know it’s not going to . I left my abisive ex. It wasn’t the physical attacks that damaged me most it was the emotional abuse.

You deserve much better - you need to look at why you keep going back . You don’t live together so much easier to seperate

Giraffey1 Mon 20-Jul-20 00:24:40

No. I think your post shows this very clearly. Why do you still even want such a horrible person in your life? You don’t have to put up with ho, you know.

Newernewist Mon 20-Jul-20 00:46:01

You are in a fantastic place to get rid of this parasite.

You dont live with him, you have no kids.
Change your locks and live a better life.
Because it wont get better, it will get worse.
Imagine if his name was on the tenancy or mortgage????
Rid yourself of this absolute waste of space now.

Catiopea Mon 20-Jul-20 00:59:18

All things are possible but thats beside the point.

Right at this minute you are suffering and, regardless of whether he can or does change or not, you do not deserve to suffer his abuse so I’d concentrate on that.

He may take responsibility for himself and make improvements to his life (& thereby your relationship)

Or not.

One thing you can be sure of is that your life will improve immensely when you take responsibility for yourself and refuse to let him back in while he is hurting you.

And I mean that kindly, as someone who’s escaped abuse. I couldn’t do a damn thing about his behaviour except be firm that its not acceptable in my life.

And changing my behaviour (from tolerating/excusing his behaviour to acting on the knowledge it is totally unacceptable) helped my life improve in a myriad ways albeit taking time.

Please seek some additional rl support OP 💐

Eve2008 Mon 20-Jul-20 01:07:52

I forgot to add that in that first year he strangled me four times! One pinning me to the bed with his full body weight on me! He's 6 ft 3 and 18 stone! I'm 5'2 and back then I was 10 stone! I've put three stone on since! A stone for every miserable year! Another time he just lifted me of the floor by my throat! A third he strangled me and then threw me into a wardrobe and the wardrobe collapsed on me and the fourth he strangled me again picking me up and throwing me against a brick wall! I lost consciousness and when I woke I managed to crawl to my phone and ring my mum. She found the front door wide open and me on the floor, covered in blood, lump on my head, passed out and glass everywhere!

Me and him don't have kids together, I do have a son with someone else who's older and spends a lot of time at his dads and fortunately he saw none of this but he picked up on me being upset and down.

As I said earlier he would message when he got home and he has. He is playing the victim saying he never accused me and he trusts me, I don't have to tell him what I'm doing on my phone, he just didn't like I was getting at him about the mess when he does everything to help and he does respect me....... I have not replied and he can't even see that I've read the message.

OP’s posts: |
JWrecks Mon 20-Jul-20 01:54:32

No, they don't, at least not in my experience.

Also in my experience, EVERY TIME a man has started throwing accusations of cheating about... he's cheating.

Please, leave. Strangling is a MASSIVE indicator of the most dangerous type of abuser.

Redruby25 Mon 20-Jul-20 07:18:43

@lukasiak 🤣🤣 Exactly!

Eve2008 Mon 20-Jul-20 09:17:21

Just woke to this!!!!!!!!!


Morning baby I'm getting ready for work now speak to you later xx

OP’s posts: |
Eve2008 Mon 20-Jul-20 09:56:04


*@lukasiak* 🤣🤣 Exactly!


OP’s posts: |
Eve2008 Mon 20-Jul-20 09:56:27


Let's put it this way: there's a reason they put dogs who bite down.

This did make me laugh! So true!

OP’s posts: |
AnotherBiteMe Mon 20-Jul-20 10:10:12

Why are you with the abusive arse ? Seriously, get him out of your life.

Eve2008 Mon 20-Jul-20 22:39:51

He hasn't left me alone today.... calling me from so many different numbers to

OP’s posts: |
Eve2008 Mon 20-Jul-20 22:40:04

He hasn't left me alone today.... calling me from so many different numbers to

OP’s posts: |
Starlightstarbright1 Mon 20-Jul-20 23:23:38

I would silence your phone .

Does he have a key to your house ?

Just remember everything he does is to get you back in line.

SittingAround1 Mon 20-Jul-20 23:39:34

This man is dangerous and will not change.

Eve2008 Tue 21-Jul-20 00:18:45


I would silence your phone .

Does he have a key to your house ?

Just remember everything he does is to get you back in line.

He has no key, thank god. I tried my best to keep him away this time I even moved home just before lockdown.

OP’s posts: |
Fanthorpe Tue 21-Jul-20 00:40:34

He has no reason to change, you’re still seeing him.

He’s unkind to you, there’s no reason on earth that you should put up with that from someone you’re supposed to be loved by. It must be very hard on your son to see his mum abused like this.

IceCreamSummer20 Tue 21-Jul-20 00:43:45

Strangling is very, very serious. It is seen as so serious that the police would take it so, as it has a very high correlation with intent to kill.

I’m sorry to shock you, but if it is true and he has strangled you in the past, then no matter what has not happened since, it is so serious that I would be very concerned for your safety even now. Please leave and get advice about how to do it safely.

Lozzerbmc Tue 21-Jul-20 07:15:29

He wont change - why should he? You accept his behaviour. He will be violent again just hasnt had the trigger yet. Why take the risk?

Lozzerbmc Tue 21-Jul-20 07:19:00

You need to value yourself more. Do you really think trying to strangle you is forgiveable? Being with him still shows him that it is ok, so he will do it again, at some point.

Wrybread Tue 21-Jul-20 07:21:36

They don't change.. They may change how they control/abuse you, but they don't lose wanting to have control.

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