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Potentially pregnant to someone who is toxic?

(13 Posts)
bird259 Sun 19-Jul-20 17:52:45

I've just got out of a very short but very toxic dating 'relationship' with a guy I'd known for just over a month, and as much as I am happy he's out of my life, there's a possibility I could be pregnant (albeit small, there's still a chance), and my head is all over the place...

To cut a long story short, this guy was very intense from the get go, told me he loved me the third time I met him, and fed me what I wanted to hear about having children. He used to talk about the future with me, how excited he is to have kids with me, and all that jazz, to the point where he convinced me to stop taking the mini pill so we could start trying for a child together (to carry on his 'prodigy'). After I'd stopped taking it and we had 'tried', we'd talk on the phone for hours about the future, we sorted baby names and he'd even text me telling me he hopes that I am pregnant etc etc. Keep in mind, we were not official and we had known each other maybe 3/4 weeks. Looking back now, I can TOTALLY see how silly I was ... but when I was in it I honestly thought I had found 'the one'. After years of failed dating relationships, having a man tell you everything you want to hear about having a family and settling down with you really blinded me.

On the flip side, he was often controlling and narcissistic. Over the few weeks we were dating, he made me cry, made me feel guilty when I had done nothing wrong, I felt like I had to change my behaviour just so he didn't flip out, he gaslighted me, and called me nasty names when he didn't get his own way. He got angry when he couldn't see me when he wanted, and had a sense of entitlement to me (and my body). He used to speak about how intelligent he was, and how high his IQ was, and that the women he's dated in the past have been 'dumb' - but I was 'different' (why he wanted to have children with me). Why I kept seeing him, I don't know; in a way I feel a little taken advantage of, but I was also naive... I guess I thought he would settle down, or that I could mellow him...I honestly don't know.

Anyway, the other day he out of the blue told me he doesn't want 'anything serious' (over 12 hours he went from being excited about me being pregnant to him only wanting something casual), to which I was shocked and understandably upset. After talking about it, and what would happen if I have conceived, he said he would step up if that is the case. But, he is extremely toxic, narcissistic and controlling, the main reason why he is now out of my life again and blocked (if I was to explain all the red flags he has alongside those mentioned above, and how nasty he was to me yesterday, we would be here forever).

I don't need people telling me what I have done is silly, as I know that... I really do. I just don't know what to do if I am pregnant. It is such a small chance, but it was after the 'safe window' when missing one pill (and I never took the pill again), so technically there is still a chance I have conceived.

I know time will tell (I need to wait to take a pregnancy test, or to see if I get my period), and I don't really know why I am writing this, but I guess maybe to just get it out of my head and work through my thoughts. As much as I do want kids, I don't want them with him (so I'm hoping the odds are in my favour), but I don't think I could terminate either. If I am, do I tell him? Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
thebeachismyhappyplace2 Sun 19-Jul-20 17:56:19

I’ve only read the first paragraph which is enough to tell me there is absolutely no point worrying about what if until you’ve taken the pregnancy test.

user9274672893 Sun 19-Jul-20 17:56:46

I wouldn't tell him. It would tie you and the child to an abuser for life and give him tremendous power over you both.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 Sun 19-Jul-20 17:58:23

Sorry I sent too soon. Can you take the test tomorrow morning? The sooner the better (until then do not mention this to him)

Buggedandconfused Sun 19-Jul-20 18:02:35

If you are pregnant and decide to have a child with a narcissist be prepared for a lifetime of hell. Be prepared for your child to be always wondering why his/her father doesn’t seem empathetic or caring.

He’ll continually try and control and manipulate you via childcare payments and anything else.

I would only have a child with a narcissist if I or the child never saw or spoke to him ever again.

Unconquerable Sun 19-Jul-20 18:05:40

I think you first should have a pregnancy test.

user1481840227 Sun 19-Jul-20 18:27:12

That whole scenario is insane. Now you say you recognise that you were silly...but that doesn't even begin to cover it.

I'm not saying this to be nasty. I would just worry for you and your baby if you got sucked in so quick after only 3-4 weeks, tried to have a baby and he was also controlling and narcissistic in that time.

Controlling and narcissistic men normally don't show their true colours that fast! so that makes this one particularly scary...and the fact that you got sucked into all that so quick makes it so worrying because it sounds like you could fall for the sweet talk all over again.

As for the idea of not telling him, surely if you are pregnant and have the baby then he would easily be able to find out. A man like this could make you and your childs lives a misery!

SuckingDownDarjeeling Sun 19-Jul-20 18:28:14

I can tell that your mind is working overtime right now so I don't think you've been silly for posting, per se. But I'm hoping you can see that your worries are far too abstract at the moment. You need to take a pregnancy test. It would be like waking up in the morning and panicking that the tap has been dripping overnight... check before you have a panic attack.

Now if you find out that you are, I can't tell you what to do. But I can say that having a baby with an abusive person is more than just an inconvenience. If you thing he was possessive over your time and your body, you have no idea how much worse things will get if he believes he has some rights over a child. In all honesty, your life could be hell. And then as the years go by, that will apply to the life of the child.

That isn't to say you must terminate, I am pro choice but also very against abortion unless it's absolutely necessary - if that makes any sense. I would never judge a woman for choosing to abort for any reason, it's not my place to judge. But the idea of a child being born to an abuser makes me uncomfortable for so many reasons, mostly personal ones.

So if the result is positive, please try to think past the pregnancy and infancy and look at the long term. Figure out how you can ensure that he plays a minimal role in the child's life from the offset, get as far away as possible, if you definitely don't wish to terminate.

Saying all that - it could very well be negative! So please don't worry until you have the bigger picture. If it's negative, you've learned a huge lesson that will benefit you and your future children, so don't be too hard on yourself for being silly in the past.

bird259 Sun 19-Jul-20 18:28:20

Thank you for all your replies.

I need to wait to take a pregnancy test as the first time we 'tried' after stopping taking the mini pill was last week on Sunday (it has only been 7 days).

I think the waiting is what is making me overthink and think worst case scenario.

OP’s posts: |
NotAnotherUserNumber Sun 19-Jul-20 19:15:46

This all sounds like it has happened very recently? If the unprotected sex was within the last 5 days then you could have a Mirena coil inserted as emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy.

NotAnotherUserNumber Sun 19-Jul-20 19:16:37

Whoops ignore that, I now see that you said it has been 7 days so too late for reliable emergency contraception.

SuckingDownDarjeeling Sun 19-Jul-20 23:54:16

bird259

Thank you for all your replies.

I need to wait to take a pregnancy test as the first time we 'tried' after stopping taking the mini pill was last week on Sunday (it has only been 7 days).

I think the waiting is what is making me overthink and think worst case scenario.


Well I (and possibly many others here!) would be very keen to know what the outcome is, if you'd be happy to share. Aside from being nosy blush,it would be easier to advise you on the next steps after the result. I will you well for the result thanks

SuckingDownDarjeeling Sat 25-Jul-20 11:53:54

What did the test say, OP? Is all well?

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