Covid-19 partner not letting me take baby out

[Pineapple424]

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I’ve posted on here.... so hopefully I get it right.

I am really struggling, my partner will not let me take out our 11 month old baby due to covid fears. The baby hasn’t been outside since the beginning of lockdown. We live in a one bedroom flat, there is a large communal garden but he won’t let me take him there or for a walk in his pram or carrier.

My partner has mild asthma and has decided he needs to shield (he wasn’t told he needed to by his doctor). I do respect his choice and after much heated debate he did agree to me going out for a daily exercise a few weeks ago.

He believes the government is not following the science and implies I am stupid for even considering it reasonable to take our child outside. He says statements like ‘why would I even consider putting our child at risk’. We can not have a conversation about this, were I can put across my beliefs as to why I feel it’s so important our child does go outside (in a safe way). When I try and raise the issue he shouts at me and then sulks for days. Which makes for a rubbish atmosphere to be living in. I did try again this morning and was told it will be weeks yet.....

I am really struggling, I am now crying most days and feel stressed and on edge. I just don’t know what to do or what can even do next.

I really appreciate anyone’s thoughts from an outside of this perspective.

Thank you!

[vodkaredbullgirl]

Does he suffer with anxiety? You can't stay locked in your flat forever.

[LetsHearItForTheBuoy]

Put the baby in the pram / sling and go out for a walk. What would he do to stop you?

[Parker231]

If he wants to stay inside unnecessarily, that’s his decision but his employer might have a different opinion when he is wanted back in the workplace but this doesn’t affect you and the baby going to the park for a walk every day or visits to family and friends.

[firstimemamma]

Do you mean you've literally never been outside since March? Your partner is being very unreasonable and his fear of COVID is preventing him from making rational decisions. His decision to keep baby inside 24/7 has its own risks. Baby needs fresh air and exposure to sunlight, for example. I'd just keep trying to get baby outdoors. I'm sorry for your situation.

[HeddaGarbled]

You’re a free woman - do what you want!

[Unfollowtherules]

No not healthy at all. Do you have anyone who can support what you are saying eg close family member? Can your health visitor or gp have a word with him?

What is your partner doing for work?

[Somethingorotherorother]

Are you scared of what he'd do if you left the house with the baby?

[Unfollowtherules]

What would happen if you went anyway? If he’s already shouting and huffing, would it make much difference?

[Frazzled2207]

Oh my goodness. This is really bad for your health and the baby’s.
Put aside the virus for a moment. Is he otherwise controlling? Even if my own husband said something like that I can’t imagine just not being able to make my own decisions and leaving the house. There is virtually no risk in just going for a walk and getting some fresh air, you could even do it very early or very late.
When exactly does he think it will be safe to go out? The virus is not going to go away, we’re just going to have to learn to live with. If he wants to seal himself off from the outside world then fair enough, absolutely 100% not on to make you and your baby stay indoors indefinitely.
Do you have friends or family nearby that can help you escape even if just for a few hours? Your baby will be just fine but is getting to the age where socialisation with other children will be important.

[Elieza]

I can’t see how walking round the street staying away from people could endanger you or your child.

Fair enough if he thought you were going to a park as they will be mobbed in the nice weather. I wouldn’t risk it. But quiet streets are fine.

Just get him told that you will stay at least 2m from anyone and if he doesn’t like it that’s his choice but if he prevents you going out it will be your mental health that suffers and you will need to see a gp about that at which point you will raise the issue that you and dc are not being allowed out by him in contravention if the present Covid rules and the law, because what he is doing is bang out of order. His fear is controlling him. He needs a reality check.

[Lozzerbmc]

He’s clearly overanxious but it doesnt mean you have to be. Take the baby out, you dont need his permission. Tell him you’ll keep away from people. He’s not going to stop you and when all is ok afterwards perhaps it will make him see he has a bit of a problem developing. covid is going to be with us for some time and not getting fresh air is detrimental to the health of your child.

[Pineapple424]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts , really helpful to get an outside view.

I think really I just want to leave at this stage the ongoing tension all this is causing and the lack of freedom is just too much. I just feel so overwhelmed about how to even do that next step.... can I just take my baby and go somewhere else so we can sort this out more calmly from a distance. He has said before I can leave but the baby stays with him. He works full time and I'm the primary care giver so that just seems a crazy suggestion by him (and one I would not consider). I don't know what's wrong with me I am so assertive and clear at work but just scared of facing what feels like a horrible confrontation at home.

[Muppetry76]

He works full time - is he wfh?

[TeetotalKoala]

Of course you can take your baby and go stay somewhere else. However I'm seeing lots of red flags, his comments are very controlling. What was your relationship like prior to lockdown?

[Pineapple424]

Yes he's working from home, likely to be for the rest of the year it seems. He's in a big open plan office and they won't be bringing everyone back to start with and his role is easily done off site.

[Alexandernevermind]

He sounds like he likes having you under lock and key. You need professional advice. What's your relationship like with your parents? Can you go and stay with them? Pack a bag for you and the baby and go. Its underhand, but if he's saying you can't take the baby you need to have a plan on place to leave when he is at work.

[Itsjustabitofbanter]

This is sounding more and more like abuse op. Why does he think it’s up to him where the baby goes. If you’re too scared to try and leave your house with the baby, you need to phone woman’s aid

[Pineapple424]

It's probably fair to say it's been up and down. It hasn't helped that some of my family really haven't taken to him. He does go off on one when he's not happy about something

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is abusive and paranoid and deliberately cooping you up has made him more volatile. Take your child and make your escape as soon as you are able to do so. This relationship is over anyway not least because of the control he is exerting over both you and his child.

His threat to keep the baby is just that; an empty threat but one also designed to keep you in line. That is why he says such to you, it also works. He has no right whatsoever to demand of you that you can leave but the baby stays with him. When he does go back to work, you and your child need to be long gone by the time he returns.

[Alexandernevermind]

Just crossed posts and see he is working from home. Don't be afraid to call the police if he tries to stop you leaving.

[firstimemamma]

Leaving sounds like the right thing to do. He is abusive and your update just rings alarm bells even more. I hope you manage to escape soon, do you have anyone in real life you can speak to e.g close friend or relative?

[pointythings]

I think this goes beyond health anxiety and into control territory. You should go. Your partner isn't rational - my DD1 has mild asthma and has been going out for daily walks and has come grocery shopping with me - we wear masks. It's been fine.

Being cooped up with him is incredibly bad for you and for your baby. If your partner kicks off when you go out, you need to go out - permanently. I hope you have somewhere to go at short notice.

[QualityFeet]

Today when you can, and it might be when he is asleep, take the baby, your cards and a few outfits. Get in the car and go to someone who will let you stay. Sort it out once you are away. He doesn’t sound safe and the level of paranoia over the baby who he seems to think he owns, is not something to challenge without support.

Contact him once you are away.

[QualityFeet]

Maybe you have people who could come and help you leave - suppose that’s the other option?

[Muppetry76]

Do you see the health visitor? Can she support you? Do you have family close by that you can stay with? It sounds like you need some time out from him, can your family come and 'rescue' you?