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Shut the door for good(11 Posts)
I am 35 years old and my third and final crushing failure ended in February. I've made the decision to close that part of my life permanently and I will never open it again. I will be staying single from now on and I won't let anyone near me again, that isn't something anyone can talk me out of now. I can cope alone. But... I'm devastated. It's all just plan B. I never wanted children or a glittering career. All I ever wanted was to love someone and be loved back. The feeling of never being good enough for anyone is soul destroying. Of having had so much love for someone who then gave everything to someone else, someone valid and worth it. I avoid people who I know will ask me if I'm seeing anyone, it's like they are picking at a painful scab. I'm not asking for reassurance that I'll meet someone as I said I'm not looking now and am completely emotionally unavailable. All faith or energy is long gone. I guess I'm just asking how to let go of so much bitterness and sadness for something I wanted and couldn't find. I feel so very sad.
What a sad post. Have you had therapy at all? I'm sure you know really that whatever the outcome of a relationship doesn't make you less or unlovable or unworthy. I know it's hard to feel though. I think being single is a great idea but it's that "learning to love yourself" bollocks isn't it?
You need to do stuff that makes you feel good and worthy and loved even if you don't have another relationship (and that may change. You can be open to it. You can be happy to say no for now but be open to possibility of future change. You are young honestly).
I know exactly how you feel OP. I've totally given up on relationships now. I'm 58, a lovely person, give my all in relationships and am constantly treated like crap in return.
I'm a professional person, not a pushover yes men think they can just treat me like dirt or purue their own interests constantly and ignore mine.
I have a lovely home of my own and from now on I'm only thinking of number one and nobody else.
If you are to remain single, and do so with contentment in your life then you need to focus upon self acceptance. Being single is not a leper status and there is no bell around your neck. Half the adult population are single, for various reasons. Being in a relationship is not always unicorns and fairy dust as this forum reveals on a daily basis. There are many people stuck in bad relationships. I am single and that is largely based around my experience of a bad marriage (abusive), and subsequent two boyfriends who turned out to be gold diggers. I have walked away from those relationships knowing they were doomed, and feel it was inevitable and a lucky escape from entrapment. I am older than you with kids, but with age has come a certain wisdom that having a partner around can be difficult and challenging (integrating someone into an already difficult life...). I had counselling last year for a health problem, and it was at a time of a relationship breakdown so that was raised with the psychotherapist. Having someone impartial to talk to about that really helped, and I suggest you find someone via the NHS or privately to discuss it with. It will help you come to terms with your decision. It will make you resilient against others constant demands that you date or embark on social contact. My neighbours are awful people where I live. The man opposite has never spoken to me, and he is embroiled in all sorts of domestic violence with his wife. He shouts 'saddo' when I put the bins out...I don't take that personally, I reckon he is just projecting his miserable marriage on someone who gets to do what they like, when they like. If you reframe how you feel about being single, find other ways to deal with the lonely times (hobbies etc) and develop some one-liner rebuffs to people asking after your love life...you will feel happier.
The sadness just takes time. Being single is fabulous when you get into it - trust me - I was the solidest married woman in the history of married women, but I ditched the bugger because it had to be done, cried buckets, drifted around like a lost thing for a couple of years, on ADs, the lot. And now? If the millionaire of my dreams proposed tomorrow (unlikely), I'd hum and haw and suggest we live in separate houses.
The bitterness, though - I think that comes at least in part from you not believing you are worthy of a successful relationship. It's really not a matter of worthiness. Some pretty ghastly people somehow seem to find a life partner, whilst others are amazing and gorgeous but just never get together with the right one (just think of some famous Hollywood actresses: beauty, fame, wealth - and dumped). You are just as deserving - or undeserving - as both the best and the worst of them. Or to put it another way: we don't get what we deserve in this life, we just get what we get. It's not a fair universe.
How you behave does make a difference, you could I suppose be putting suitors off without meaning to, but again that's not always the case. You get wonderful wives (or husbands) who never put a foot wrong but the guy (or gal) goes off with the secretary/neighbour/dustman just the same, and that's often down to something lacking in the one who leaves, not the one who is left. Some make a great show of wanting to settle down, but they get bored, not because the other person is boring but because they themselves crave novelty. So you think you've found the one to spend your life with, and they may appear to go along with it at first, but find they can't hack it after all. There's nothing you can do about that. Human beings can be fickle. Honesty from the start would have helped but that's another rare commodity.
As for the would-be kindly people asking whether you're dating - KILL THEM. Er, I mean, practise brush-off lines such as "I'm far too busy for any of that at the moment, if the right one comes along they come along". If you get into "I've sworn off the opposite sex for ever" they'll start arguing with you or digging into your whole life story (which is none of their business) and you'll end up feeling like shit, as you know. Keep it light and don't let the bastards grind you down.
Meanwhile, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually the sun will come out again. Unless you're clinically depressed, in which case you may need a helping hand in the short term. Don't be embarrassed if you do need help; it's just an illness like any other, no more shameful than a broken leg. You don't have to be perfect. You're human.
Therapy wasn't for me. I do have self worth. I ended the last failure because I knew he didn't love me. He liked me and he cared but he didn't love me. It would have been easier to ignore it and "keep him" but no thank you, I've made that mistake twice before and they fuck off eventually anyway. I had already given up and I only gave the final one a chance because I already knew him and I thought it would work. I own my own home, I have good people in my life but there is a gaping hole in my heart that can't be filled by friends. I was single for years and sometimes very content. In time that contentment will maybe come back. I just feel absolutely heartbroken and as though I am bereaving something I have never had. Everyone in real life thinks I'm fine. I don't want to talk about this to anyone. I was asked out recently and honestly I felt sick at the thought of a new person coming anywhere near me and the risks involved with it. Never, ever again.
@Anniegetyourgun such a lovely post
Thank you for the replies
How are you today @AWiseWomanOnceSaidFu
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