Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Is he cheating and what to do!?(96 Posts)
I've had suspicions of DP for a while... a bit of background about 10 months ago I found naked pics on his phone of a woman and pics of him aswell, I found them on his camera roll as I was popping on to get the pics he took of us as at a family wedding wasn't expecting anything at all and definitely not snooping I was heartbroken! I couldn't go into messages as he took the phone that second and left (he was the way out) I eventually got a half truth out of him he'd been messaging a girl for a few days just some random who'd added him on WhatsApp. Now at the time it was a week before we were about to go on holiday for his 30th which I'd bought for his birthday present and we'd just bought our first home waiting for the go ahead on completion. I was all over the place. But decided to try and forgive, I've always told him I won't trust him until he earns it back and I won't forget what he did. So last night after weeks of suspicions hiding phone and Apple Watch keeping both on him 24/7, leaving early for work some days etc I finally aired my concerns after him saying to do so if I ever felt anything wasn't right. Well he went crazy!! Screaming and shouting saying that they were no reasons to doubt him he's changed his life around and I'm just bringing him down, I'm a bitter bitch and I then said about last year the WhatsApp thing is bugging me as you can't just add someone randomly on WhatsApp without having their number and he said he's told me the truth why would I bring it up again I'm such a drain and to just get over it! I said I want the full truth about last time as I didn't get it and I realise that and he said he can't remember 🙄 but he's saying he'd rather stay elsewhere than talk about it but I need to know I have nightmares about it and I just feel I'm going crazy! He's been awful to me last night and this morning before he left for work but I don't know if it's my own fault 🤷🏻♀️ sorry to rant and I don't really know what I'm asking? Could he be cheating now I guess and last time do you think it's likely he was on dating apps or something that's how he found that girls number? Thank you and sorry for the long post.
Even if he isn't cheating, you will always worry that he is. I'd not want to be Inn a relationship like that.
You are worth more than that. I stayed with my ex after he did something at the start similar. At the end of the relationship, 5 years on, he was moving to Dubai after 5 weeks is knowing someone - the moral for me is that I knew it for a long time what a rat bag he was.
You deserve so much more. The fact he never leaves anything in sight, would be enough.
Is the home now completed on? That’s a hard one if you break up as the buy out of a mortgage can be high
Im so sorry but regardless of whether he is cheating or not (sounds very much like he is), his behavior and lying is unacceptable.
Sorry I'm not sure how to tag yes we completed in January so have been living together since then, we've been great through lockdown he's been working I've been WFH but the past 4 weeks he's been acting differently and it's just making me feel that something isn't right? I think the fact I don't know the whole truth about last time doesn't help. I don't know if she's someone we know or he knows if she is just a random it's all so confusing and what makes it worse is his attitude he gets so aggressive shouting at me and blaming me.
You deserve better than that sweetie- the whole WhatsApp thing is a big no no they obviously exchanged numbers and you don't need that kind of crap or disrespect.
It's all up to you but the one thing I would say is a leopard can't a change it's spot and cheater won't stop cheating or lying. It becomes second nature to them like brushing your teething and combing your hair.
I hope your okay I know it's hard to accept but remember your worth more than that type of behaviour from someone who's meant to love and be there for you. If he can't then another man will.
Yes, I always send pics of myself naked to randoms who add me on WhatsApp too.
Wake up OP!
Screaming and shouting saying that they were no reasons to doubt him he's changed his life around and I'm just bringing him down, I'm a bitter bitch
Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like this?
Him being attached to his devices 24/7 is a high indicator he's still up to no good.
Thank you Ishapoet 💕 you're completely right I think the fact I've finally cottoned on about last years betrayal and what really happen has riled him and if he's doing it again god knows but I want the full truth of last time first before we go any further. Gosh cheats really are the worse! Isn't it crazy how something as simple as that can affect you so much even after all that time passing?
His reaction alone shows that he doesn't respect you or your feelings. He should be reassuring you not making you feel anxious and on edge.
You don't trust him and he doesn't care. I am sorry this isn't going to work!
Regardless of what's happened you deserve more than living like this. Him shouting and storming out could be a deflection, time to get his side right, time to get rid of evidence
What do you want here ? I'd be on my way out
I'd leave him for the screaming alone.
If he was truly genuine, he might be hurt that you'd think he was cheating, but surely the natural reaction (for an innocent man) would be to try to calm your fears - show you his phone with nothing incriminating; ask you why you felt this way.
Not lose it and accuse you of everything under the sun and name call. I think that alone gives pause for thought.
You're both right unfortunately but it's the diving into the unknown that's scary! As for why do I want to be with someone who screams and shouts force of habit it's his reaction to every discussion we have he doesn't like, and then storming out I'm numb to it now I guess. And as for the sending naked pics to randoms on WhatsApp 😂😂 that made me laugh I know so unbelievable I didn't believe it then but even less so now! I always asked if that was the case why didn't you block her if she added by accident or if she did that she would've realised it was the wrong number and removed you surely 🤷🏻♀️ what a fool I've been eh?
You aren't a fool, you just wanted to believe the best in him. We've all been there (well I have, many times). The only advice I have is don't keep
Flogging this dead horse. In all likelihood his behaviour won't improve. You need to want more for yourself than a life of uncertainty.
He is a shady piece of shit and you will never get the truth.
Decide if you want to live your one precious life like this and then act accordingly. If you rely on him to help you make that decision then prepare to never have peace of mind.
Thank you so much for the advice i really need to think long and hard about everything I lobe him but don't trust him and I know that isn't right, I think I need a few nights away from him to clear my head and make some sort of a plan.
Leave now, save yourself from years of misery.
The unknown is always scary until you actually start. Once you have control over your life it becomes a lot less scary - and certainly a lot less frightening than life with a man you don't trust, whose reaction to anything he doesn't like is to shout and scream like a toddler.
The fact that he's shouting and calling you names because you are (rightly) concerned says it all. He should be trying to reassure you and trying to make up for what he did before.
He is awful and likely to only get worse if you stay.
You shouldn't have to be numbed to his angry outbursts - that's so not right - what sort of homelife are you looking at for the long term if you live like this? Would you be planning children in the future? What sort of upbringing would you give them with this man?
The cheating is almost beside the point.
I’m I. A similar position to you and I know that the loving kind man I married has gone. In fact o don’t recognise this person. Like you we have a mortgage and beautiful home and I grieve the future I thought we’d have together, but for my own sanity, I’m letting go. You will find the coming days and weeks so hard, but you can get through it.
Exactly, I've tried explaining this to him it's not like I bring it up everyday I literally brought it up quite a lot around the time but since then it hasn't been mentioned until last night and I said to him if it was the other way around I may be a little annoyed at being accused of cheating if I wasn't but I'd do my best to show I wasn't say you can look at my phone etc ( i wouldn't look because that would be enough for me to know there's nothing on there ) and I'd reassure him and be sorry for what I did try and sound a little remorseful. Thank you so much everyone I really couldn't speak to friends or family about this so your advice is amazing.
It sounds like you're not married and have no kids yet (?)
You can go through s solicitor to sell the property and split any deposit (presumably no equity yet) according to what you put in. In the meantime one of you should move out, it should be him but (being what he is) he'll probably fight you and won't go. Do you have anywhere you could stay for free (family) til the house is sold as I presume you can't afford to pay your share of the mortgage and rent (?)
Ive always found aggression/anger etc to be a go to technique when people are caught out (or know they will be if the other person delves further)to get them to back off, back down, whatever. Attack is the best firm if defence and all that.
Caring the other person crazy, bitter, paranoid, won't let something go etc is another technique to get them to back off and be s good, quiet, unquestioning, lapdog who doesnt rock the boat.
His guarding of his devices, alongside your instincts, with the crucial background that you've caught him cheating (which is most definitely what they was, whether there was ever anything physical or not) .... Suggests he's at it again, or in an o.ging basis.
"Some random" is also a technique used to try to minimise and distance the cheating with the woman he was exchanging nude/sexual.pics with and no doubtt sexting (if that's all that happened). Bit like bill Clinton's famous "that woman".
I'm also puzzled at how you'd add someone you don't know/whose number you don't have on WhatsApp.
Anyway, he's cheated,looks very much like he's continuing, your instincts are spot on, you can't trust him, and it would be a disaster to get into further commitment with him.
Category12 I've actually put off having children for a long time because of things such as his behaviour and attitude and him not being great with money until this year, him on the other hand would have a child tomorrow I don't feel it's fair to bring them into this environment but I'm not getting any younger... don't get me wrong I'm only 29 but you know what I mean if he doesn't sort it out I'll soon be mid 30's and so on.
Ryah76 I'm so sorry this happened to you but well done on being so brave to walk away.
Please login first.