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DH Perfectionist tendencies driving me slightly mad!

(5 Posts)
MrsGatsby99 Sat 18-Jul-20 22:08:38

Sorry this is a bit long.

This will in all likelihood sound like a strange problem but it is hard to live with at times. Overall, happily together for almost 20 years but DH is so tough on himself and us in terms of work, the house and cleaning. I am sure people would say stuff like count your blessings that your DH works so hard/cleans a lot etc/ has high standards etc...but I think it is too much. How could I help him to cut back?

He is at work all day and into the evening in the week, spends time with us at the weekend but recently has spent a lot of time moaning at the kids about the state of the house, walking round mumbling that he's had enough, he works so hard and everything is getting ruined, that he's had it up to here, that noone cares about the house except for him etc...etc... I get it, that it is hard to see a mess but the DC are 8 and 6 and I expect to clear up at end of day but I don't expect them to be super tidy all the time. I spend around 45 mins to an hour each day cleaning/ tidying at the moment (as well as working p/t and being primary carer in the week for DC) and it never seems enough for him to be able to relax. I have started to find myself getting a bit obsessed with cleaning/tidying myself and feeling agitated if things aren't 'perfect,'. I imagine his complaints in my head while looking at the mess, if that makes sense which I think is a bad sign.

I have talked to him about it and said how much it's affecting to hear him moan and he has said he will try to change. Don't want this to get too long but could do with some hive wisdom here. I don't want him to feel agitated and cross but equally I don't want to live in a museum and feel bad if we don't. I think he could have a form of compulsion/ OCD as it goes with his attention to detail, work ethic etc...

Thanks so much for reading if you have got this far. smile

OP’s posts: |
pallasathena Sat 18-Jul-20 22:27:36

Think you should work on not 'obeying', 'DH'.
Who made him the boss of you?
You did.
Sort out your own propensity for passively complying to the extent that you feel so guilty for what is, essentially, everyday living.
Get assertive. Seriously.
He's upsetting you and you need to deal with it instead of wringing your hands.
More warrior than worrier OP is the way to go.

EKGEMS Sat 18-Jul-20 22:32:20

The issue is your husband's anxieties and how it's affecting you and your children. He needs to seek counseling/therapy or medication. Life is too short to live it with a short tempered,nasty husband/father

MrsGatsby99 Sat 18-Jul-20 22:40:46

Thanks to both of you. I can definitely see that and have very actively stood my ground this evening, he has apologised and promised to change. He will struggle though as it is part of him, I think. I also suggested counselling so might look into that more, if needed. I am not giving up on him quite yet as he has so many good points.

@pallasathena i need to work on my response to his outbursts for sure. More warrior than worrier, I love that.

OP’s posts: |
Fatted Sat 18-Jul-20 22:43:57

I've been where your DH is. When I was depressed and had a shit load of other problems in my life. I'd say the obsession with cleanliness is symptom of something else. Encourage him to get some help.

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