I'm going to start by apologizing because this is going to be abit of a long one!
I've been with my partner for two and a half years now. When I met him he was in the military and there was a degree of long distance about the situation.
We however made it pretty simple (and fun!) by renting airbnbs, seeing new places and when he was sent abroad I didn;t think twice about flying out to spend a month here or there with him when he had time off - my point is, I put 'my life on hold' if you want to fit in with his schedule, because put frankly if I hadn't then the relationship wouldn't have progressed - we'd still be long distance dating now! And to be fair, travelling is always fun.
About a year plus ago we moved in together to a rented house that I had found literally ten minutes from where he worked so he could move out of 'barracks' and have the trappings of a 'normal life'. I paid six months up front and sorted the bills. This meant me moving 80 miles and having to commute back and forwards to see my livestock etc. - not a huge issue at all, because if it's got to be done it's got to be done, but again, effort for me and all he had to do was turn up - HOWEVER this was a decision that i made because i felt like i was prioritizing the future and did so willingly
From the off his family were welcoming and almost used me as a bridge to get closer to him (in a good way!) because he'd put little effort into seeing or staying in contact with them regularly (again, in fairness they live in th enorth of the country and he in the south!) and they knew that I was very family orientated so encouraged him to ring them and remember their birthdays.
Also from the off this idea that he had been an arse to previous girlfriends was presented - his grandmother said that the last one he just stopped talking to and i know he sowed his wild oats a fair amount.. whereas I was relatively a blank canvas having been not sexually active for about 5 years. However, with me he's not been like this so we let it go as we can;t judge others on their past only on what they present to us!
His family and he have constantly said to me that i'm such a stable anchor for him, a safeplace to come back to and thank god he has me.. and that in order to keep him I have to 'keep my arms open and let him be a free spirit', which is fair enough we all love adventure.. BUT i'm finding myself asking (and one of my aunties said this) at what point does he have to start asking himself what does he have to do to keep ME? More on this is a minute.
So upon moving in together (and an inkling beforehand) I very quickly realized that he was a binge drinker to the point that he had black outs and lost teeth. It's almost like he can't help himself when it comes to going out with his friends, I dread him saying he's going out for a beer because I know he will disappear for a night with no contact and appear again at 5 am stinking of beer (the most recent he said he fell asleep on a sofa in a mess bar at the army base). I had a meeting in the house and he turned up in the morning still drunk to the point that even the dog wasn;t sure what was wrong with him. I HATE how much of a shrewish nag it makes me sound even typing that because it's NOT the going out that is the problem.. it's the fact that he just reverts to 18 years old (he's 34!). There's been instances where he's gone on three day benders and i've no idea where he is (despite asking him to just check in via text so I know he's alive and not dead in a dustbin somewhere!).. the second to last he went up to London and I hadn't heard from him two days in so i rang his phone and an uber driver picked up saying a very drunk man left it in his car - he was meant to be up there doing 'business' meetings as he's leaving the army and going into freelancing his services. We had a very stern chat about the drinking and the lying and I said my issue was NOT him going out and seeing his friends but the fact that he always ends up the worst in the bloody room, and whilst i'm sure it's hilarious for his pals, as his partner.. it's embarrassing.
Now I know that I'm going up against years of conditioning from the military, but the other thing is his need for secrecy. He has two phones, we aren't friends on social medias, i've met a handful of his friends.. and again, I can understand alot of this.. but the clandestine behaviour is so unnecessary now he's leaving the army. I trust him. That's not the issue.
It's the fact that he makes me feel like I should be grateful for the scraps that he tosses to me when he feels like it and I feel like i deserve more - be that attention or whatever. Ever since i've known him he's also had an issue with sexually performing and i've carried that burden, because I feel like it's my misfailing. I've never ever had problems with my self confidence before I met him but if i'm honest, it;s broke me. He goes ballistic when other men approach me to even just chat. Infact with the whole thing I feel like it's me whose asking too much, wanting too much - I'd like kids and to get married (i'm thirty this year) and i'm happy with my life as it is, I run my own business and I work hard, at the moment we are looking for a house together - Again, his mother on the phone was saying how much of a big step it was for him to be committing to it and she couldn;t believe it. But again, he's determined that he wants to work abroad, two weeks on two weeks of, he;s dressed it up as his need for adventure (he does all the climbing, free diving etc) or his need to be challenged and of course i'm supporting that...but again, it has to be give and take? What is he giving me?
As I say, I trust him.. but at what point should I be questioning that?
At the moment he is in London on another bender which is what has prompted this post. I've a vague idea of who with but i've never met them. I got contact out of him because I texted him to ask him if he was coming home tonight or tomorrow and I received a text back which suggested he was drunk. He left on Thursday lunchtime.
Again, of course I want him to have a life of his own as I do.. BUT I also want to have a life together. I can;t remember the last time he did something even remotely romantic. It's just easy now, for me to cook and do his washing.
This sounds terrible, but He gets almost petulant when i'm achieving something and I know it's down to insecurity and worry perhaps of leaving me. He's not able to finish anything he starts, he gets bored and says that he's got a short attention span. He's jumped from job to job in the army, albeit going higher each time, and nothing wrong with ambition, but even when he handed in his notice for leaving the army completely his superior said that he didn't seem able to commit to anything.
I know i'm painting him out to be a complete arse, but on top of that he is funny and kind and I do love him.
I am building a future with him I just wish it wasn't all on his terms.
But my dilema is this, I cant and don;t want to keep having the same conversations about the same things. I want to be happy and at the same time I don;t want to be the horrible controlling girlfriend BUT I do genuinely believe he has a problem..anyone who knocks their teeth out on a kurb and has to have a false one put in needs to really access what is going on I think.
The whole thing goes against the grain for me and I need some advice - so if anyone has any sage words of wisdom for a lost girl I'd much appreciate it.
Am I asking too much? How do I move forward?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can Binge Drinking Escalate? Am I asking too much?
Unsure91 · 18/07/2020 18:27
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