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Ex and children

(17 Posts)
damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 16:49:58

So I’ve been advised by police CS etc to not allow unsupervised contact.

So I’ve been doing the contact with STBXH. But he’s still emotionally draining with sly digs, homophobic remarks about my family member etc. Saying things t the kids that I’m stopping this and that.

When I say no to contact I get Various levels of abuse. My counsellor suggested a third party do contact with or without me. So I’m looking into that.

So I’ve been putting him on loud speaker and letting them talk when he or the children want to. (This children don’t want to).

It makes me feel so sad and cruel that it’s come to this. I can hear the pain in his voice. And the children are confused too. I’m getting children some support.

I try to keep thinking that it’s his behaviour that has led to this but keep getting told by him it is mine.

Can anyone tell me a single thing to make me feel better about all this. The DV woman at police said if I allow contact and something happens they’ll be asking why I let them go to him. It’s just so hard to be round him when all I want to do is to heal myself and the children.

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sunflowersandtulips50 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:00:54

Why are you maintaining contact with this man? Your DV woman is correct. You have been advised not to allow contact, have been told not allow unsupervised and yet you continue to do so. STOP and listen to the people trying to help you. You do not need to facilitate contact with an abuser. Stop engagin with him and getting your poor kids to speak to him when they dont want to. You all need to recover

user1645689876444 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:03:43

It's not pain in his voice it's manipulation. He's an abuser.

Have you done the Freedom Programme course? It might help give you seem clarity and emotional distance from his power games.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 17:22:13

Yes I’ve done the freedom programme. I’m not allowing unsupervised at all. I’m just struggling with not letting him see them at all. I’m being called all sorts. That ok playing god. I’m vindictive. I’m orchestrated all this. Makes me feel really sad

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notthemum Sat 18-Jul-20 17:42:20

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Be kind to yourself.
You have not orchestrated this at all. He has.
You do not get told by DV support to not allow unsupervised contact for no reason.
You have done an amazing thing by removing yourself and the children from the situation. Now you need to follow this through. Speak to police or DV support and take their advice. Do not engage with this piece of crap and definitely do not push the children however softly into it either.
It takes a strong woman to protect herself and her children from an abuser for that is obviously what he is.
Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. 💐

Overtime2019 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:47:17

Op I have been where you are with my older kids dad he done the same as your ex blame me for everything saying I broke up his family but trust me he will get bored and will probably walk away

WorkHardPlayHard1 Sat 18-Jul-20 17:54:42

If your children don't want to be in contact then there's a good reason for this. You need to listen and act on what they want. You owe it to yourself & your children to put their needs first. Full stop. You are a mother and need to protect them above all else. He lost his rights when he behaved badly.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 18:03:15

They’re 4&6. A judge will eventually order unsupervised contact no? This frightens me

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katmarie Sat 18-Jul-20 18:13:00

If contact with his children was so important to him, and he was a decent reasonable human being, he would be offering contact centres, suitable chaperones, and any solution possible to allow him to see his kids. He would be taking you to court over it at a minimum. What he is actually doing is using the relationship with his children as a manipulation tool to make you feel bad, deliberately. Think about that, a grown man, using 4 and 6 year old tots to get to his ex. He's a piece of work, and you owe him nothing. If he wants to be a dad, he can show it through his actions, by building positive relationships with his kids, not by being an arsehole to their mother.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 18:24:06

I’ve contacted a contact centre today to see if they can help facilitate their relationship. I just want to do everything I can so that I can tell the children I tried.

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damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 18:28:01

I’d also thought about asking him to write to them x

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LessCumbersome Sat 18-Jul-20 18:36:05

You need to get angry. This man is manipulating you and he's using his contact with his kids to do it. He should sound happier than a clown when talking to them, he should be making an effort to sound normal and upbeat, these are young and confused children . But this isn't his priority. Oh no. Not for this guy , he's using this as an opportunity to show you how sad and strained he is.

And you're playing God? You are being vindictive? Oh, poor little lamb doesn't like the consequences of his own actions, it's all on you.

This guy shows no signs of taking responsibility for any if his actions, please don't think this is a sign that he is hurt, or scared or sad. It's a massive sign that he emotionally stunted, childish and selfish and there is only one person this guy's world revolves around. And it's him.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 18:40:03

Thank you!
Please keep these responses coming. They’re really helpful x

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damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 18:40:58

Come to think of it, when he got upset on phone last night he did have company. Not sure who. But yeah. All for the show isn’t it.

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ballstoit Sat 18-Jul-20 18:55:11

Would it help to keep reminding yourself that you and your ex are your children's role models for relationships? Do you want children who think it's okay to listen to insults about their families? Do you want children who are either manipulators or manipulated? They are watching, as tiny as they are, they are watching and listening and learning from what they see.

damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 18:57:34

You’re right. They foot some of his behaviours already. Which is saddening. Hence getting them some support. Yo it e absolutely damn right. Thank you

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damnthisvirusandmarriage Sat 18-Jul-20 18:57:58

I don’t say bad things about him. I tell them he loves them and misses them.

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