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Examples of gaslighting

(46 Posts)
Watchingtv44 Sat 18-Jul-20 16:07:29

Can anyone give me ordinary examples.
Whenever I say how I feel about a situation that has for example upset me my dh says I am over reacting or he didn’t mean it like that or he didn’t say that or I’m over the top exaggerating...

OP’s posts: |
slipperywhensparticus Sat 18-Jul-20 16:19:39

I'm sorry that's how you feel

Your very emotional

Are you having your period

My ex usually says I don't want to argue when he is trying to shut me down

For example

(Ex) yes I told him I beat that guy up and hospitalised him as an example of what not to do if your being bullied

(Me) that's not what he took from the conversation at all its really upset him you saying you put someone in hospital 😕

(Ex) I didn't say I put him in hospital jeez I'm not a psychopath WTF are you TELLING everyone about ME im a BAD FATHER? I shouldn't be allowed to SEE MY CHILDREN because YOU CANT COPE??? I'm calling "the social worker" (we don't have one btw)

slipperywhensparticus Sat 18-Jul-20 16:20:33

then he says i don't want to argue with you im just unhappy how your talking to the childrrn about me

namechange12a Sat 18-Jul-20 16:26:22

It's when someone manipulates you into questioning reality and your own sanity.

You: It's raining, have you got the umbrella?
Him: The sun's out.
You: Look, the rain is pouring down outside!
Him: (ruffles your hair and gives you a pitying look) You really are mad aren't you. I'll change into a T shirt.

He's making you question what you are seeing and experiencing. He may tell you that a conversation you had a few moments ago didn't happen. He may hide your phone then replace it and pretend it was there all along. Gaslighting can have such a detrimental effect that you can't believe what you are seeing or hearing. You may start to tape conversations so that you can prove something was or wasn't said.

TheIckabog Sat 18-Jul-20 16:30:34

My ex used to say to me ‘I can’t talk to you when you’re being like this’ when I was trying to address issues in our relationship in a perfectly calm, level-headed manner. He’d then go off and not talk to me for the day.

I’m an intelligent, professional working woman and even I got to the point where I was thinking, ‘AM I talking to him badly?’. Of course I wasn’t, I was being a normal human being but he was deflecting because he didn’t want to talk about our relationship.

LessCumbersome Sat 18-Jul-20 16:32:28

Ordinary examples of gaslighting?......

I could be wrong but I think this sort of thing is ordinary gaslighting....

Someone saying they always go to the shops when they don't.

Someone saying they always make the dinner when they don't

Someone saying they paid for a holiday or a day trip that they hadn't

Someone saying that you are always in a bad mood when you aren't.

Someone telling you that they have been very patient with you when they haven't .

Someone saying they are kind to you constantly when they aren't

Someone telling you you are bad at something that you are good at

Someone denying a conversation that you remember having with them.

Someone telling you they told you something that you know they didn't.

That kind of thing?

Watchingtv44 Sat 18-Jul-20 16:36:02

Maybe that’s not what’s happening to me then. I’m confused.
He does lots of what I call odd things but is a nice guy but I’m getting increasingly angry with him. We will often discuss things and then another day a subject comes up we have discussed and he will say the opposite or just as if we never talked about something. My parents have just left and I said I wanted to just address something and let him know how something made me feel. But his answer is a pedantic literal use of words ie I didn’t exactly say this or that. And then a you are being over the top etc. It’s like arguing with a lawyer where he picks apart what words I am saying.
Anyway for the most part what happens is I say something and he doesn’t say sorry but that somehow it’s my fault for being ott or hearing it wrong or an excuse as to why he did yxz. I feel he dismisses how I feel about things and I feel resentful

OP’s posts: |
iklboo Sat 18-Jul-20 16:37:55

Telling you they've told you something when the definitely haven't.

Contradicting you in public when you know you're right, in a deprecating, jokey but pitying way.

Moving / hiding things then denying it.

Telling you something then denying they said it. Usually in public.

Saying you've said / done something when you haven't.

namechange12a Sat 18-Jul-20 16:42:55

OP it doesn't matter what you call it, it sounds as though he's too immature to have an adult conversation about something that's bothering you.

He's behaving like a petulant teenager. That's what a kid does to wriggle out of taking responsibility. Denying that he said something or that a conversation took place is gaslighting.

You need to have a think about how this relationship is going to work if you can't resolve problems.

Iooselipssinkships Sat 18-Jul-20 16:45:56

One of my own examples is when my ex pushed me down the stairs and then kept saying I just fell down and that he didn't touch me, that it was all in my head.

Thought I was going batshit crazy and I already had mental health problems too which he exploited as much as possible.

LessCumbersome Sat 18-Jul-20 16:46:28

He reminds me of someone I know!.

Well he doesn't sound like he has a clear sense of self, if he has different opinion depending on the day . I think this is a bit of a red flag.

He's also invalidating your feelings by not just letting you have them . Another red flag.

He also seems to be hyper sensitive to critisism? Another red flag.

I hope he doesn't call himself a nice guy.

user1645689876444 Sat 18-Jul-20 16:49:01

What's the rest of the relationship like?

ChristmasFluff Sat 18-Jul-20 18:46:33

You don't need examples. When things don't add up your body lets you know by a feeling of things being 'off'. If you ignore that signal, your body will feel 'confused'.

In either case, if you discuss it with someone who has a respectful and solution-oriented response to problems, the problem will be cleared up immediately.

If not - well, why would you want to be with someone who has a disrespectful obfuscating response to problems?

myohmywhatawonderfulday Sat 18-Jul-20 21:46:37

My dh does this.

I went to counselling, and she has helped me to see he is a narcassist who has a 'toddler rage' to deflect from any kind of criticism. Reading up on it has enabled me to be much more aware of the 'deflection tricks' that he immediately employs. I also have much clearer boundaries about what I will tolerate and how I will deal with his reactions.

Things that have helped me:
My counsellor
The 'Betrayal Trauma Recovery' podcast

Watchingtv44 Sat 18-Jul-20 21:56:32

THanks I will look this up. Yes deflection. At every point. He deflects and puts things back on me also. It’s exhausting. He is very intelligent and is hard to argue with as he I feel manipulates things.
As an aside I do also wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum and actually may not know he is doing it or how he sounds etc

OP’s posts: |
MrsWednesdayteatime Sat 18-Jul-20 22:15:42

I learnt about DAVRO on the feminism board, it helped me so much to see situations & arguments much more clearly

Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim &
Offender

DARVO is an acronym used to describe a common strategy of abusers. The abuser will: Deny the abuse ever took place, then Attack the victim for attempting to hold the abuser accountable; then they will lie and claim that they, the abuser, are the real victim in the situation, thus Reversing the Victim and Offender.

MrsWednesdayteatime Sat 18-Jul-20 22:17:54

* DARVO, not Davroblush

islandislandisland Sat 18-Jul-20 22:28:49

My sister gaslights me (I think!), She will make a really unkind/crass comment to me then when I tell her that's out of order, she's upset me etc she will flip out and screech at me that it was a JOKE, where's my sense of humour, why am I being so overly sensitive. She recently did this after telling me that it would be worse to lose my baby (I had some pregnancy complications and it didn't look good for a while) seeing as I'm having a girl, haha. I actually ended up asking three of my friends if they thought that was an awful thing to say because I couldn't work it out due to her extreme reaction. It made me question my feelings about what she'd said and made me consider I was actually being unreasonable. She didn't apologise though- she never does. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that, it's a mind fuck.

lilmishap Sat 18-Jul-20 23:09:41

So you're always in the wrong, you can't voice your own feelings or opinions about your own relationship because he gets to decide when your feelings of hurt or annoyance are 'genuine' or just silly old you needing a more verbose 'explanation' of what actually happened -
It's not accidental, it's a deliberate belittling of you, it will have affected your self esteem..
I'd be practising saying "I have to stop you there, you're chatting shit instead of listening to me...."

It is really hard to do but you have to trust your guts, if you feel he's blinding you with BS, switch off, stop listening.

Momentumneeded Sun 19-Jul-20 00:31:17

MrsWednesdayteatime

I learnt about DAVRO on the feminism board, it helped me so much to see situations & arguments much more clearly

Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim &
Offender

^DARVO is an acronym used to describe a common strategy of abusers. The abuser will: Deny the abuse ever took place, then Attack the victim for attempting to hold the abuser accountable; then they will lie and claim that they, the abuser, are the real victim in the situation, thus Reversing the Victim and Offender.^


Wow. That's my stbx exactly. I find it so hard to articulate and am constantly questioning myself. It is so draining.

DirectTalker Sun 19-Jul-20 01:39:37

Gaslighting is what @iklboo said.
It is NOT someone expressing their boundaries to you.

"I can't talk to you when you are like this" is a perfectly healthy sentence saying they don't like your behaviour, so they will stop the conversation there. They don't HAVE to listen to you or speak to you.

Saying they always make dinner, when they don't etc is generalisation and exaggeration, or frankly lying. It is not gaslighting.

Gaslighting is literally a sustained message where someone is led to believe they are insane when they aren't. However, it shouldn't be mistaken for a genuine concern about someone's welfare. It is normally accompanied by controlling behaviour so only the abusers perspective is available.

Lilymossflower Sun 19-Jul-20 01:50:05

Yes he is gaslighting and deflecting. Abusive

lilmishap Sun 19-Jul-20 04:42:52

We will often discuss things and then another day a subject comes up we have discussed and he will say the opposite or just as if we never talked about something

He's a liar or your memory is faulty. You can't call him a liar because he'll twist it and your memory is faulty or you're too sensitive or his word salad is a sign of his superior intelligence and you can't defend yourself.

If you are questioning it at all, then there is a problem that you are aware of but are not comfortable putting a name to because you are doubting your own judgement.

Yes it sounds like Gaslighting.

pizzascroll Sun 19-Jul-20 05:30:42

My DH if we were discussing something or having an argument would say something quite awful, could be about the kids or something/someone else and nearly straight away I would ask him why he said that and he would say 'what?' So I would repeat what he said and he would flat out deny ever saying it at all confused

If I ever finally got him to admit that he said it he would then tell me that wasn't what he meant, drives me fucking mental

LaLaLandIsNoFun Sun 19-Jul-20 07:44:07

*I'm sorry that's how you feel

Your very emotional

Are you having your period

My ex usually says I don't want to argue when he is trying to shut me down

For example

(Ex) yes I told him I beat that guy up and hospitalised him as an example of what not to do if your being bullied

(Me) that's not what he took from the conversation at all its really upset him you saying you put someone in hospital 😕

(Ex) I didn't say I put him in hospital jeez I'm not a psychopath WTF are you TELLING everyone about ME im a BAD FATHER? I shouldn't be allowed to SEE MY CHILDREN because YOU CANT COPE??? I'm calling "the social worker" (we don't have one btw)*

Perfect examples. I swear they all read from the same handbook

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