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Finally it happened: H assaulted me

(25 Posts)
WorkingMule Fri 17-Jul-20 23:05:37

Hi all,

I am trying to calm down and digest what happened this evening. Me and H had been in a rocky boat for some time but we thought at maybe we could make it work and tried to put the past behind. 2 days ago in his FB list of " people you might know" appeared a name of an old friend, which more than 15 years ago has been my boyfriend.
Me and H have been in a relation since 13 years ago, but he seen this old friend once or twice.
H just flipped and started to act like I was already having an affair with this person because I have give 2 likes on FB on 2 occasions. This evening H decided that he wants to close the joint account and that we split the money in half. I refused, because he used a lot from that account to pay for his car, and to give me what I have put in the last 2 months( around 2k) and he can keep the car.
While talking i have made the trasnfer as i seen tha he gets angrier by the second and refuse to do what he wanted. he then pushed my chair backwards and we ended up un the stairs with his hand on my throat and a screaming toddler between us.
Lucky I have slipted from his hand and run to outside, where my neighbours called the police and took him to the station. Now i am trying to pull myself together and see what needs to be done to start filling for divorce.
Please i need some advice on what i need to do to sort myself and my daughter out.

OP’s posts: |
AIMD Fri 17-Jul-20 23:10:47

I would call the domestic abuse helpline or advice ASAP.

Do you own the house/ are you the tenant. If so can you get the locks changed to prevent him getting back in.

Can you apply for a non moleatation order or a restraining order to keep him away from you and your child?

WorkingMule Fri 17-Jul-20 23:12:35

Thank you for your answer.

we own the house, is in joint name,
i will see how to get a restraining order.

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Fri 17-Jul-20 23:12:50

First you need to be safe. Can family/friends come and be with you?

Merename Fri 17-Jul-20 23:17:02

Oh I’m so sorry to hear this, you sound quite together, you must be shaken though? There will be so many lovely MNers along with good advice for you, I just wanted to say hug your daughter tight and take all the support for yourself that you can get. I am so glad the police have taken him away for now, but you are right to prepare swiftly.

LessCumbersome Fri 17-Jul-20 23:17:11

How long ago did this happen? How is the toddler, what are you doing now? Are you okay?

Aknifewith16blades Fri 17-Jul-20 23:28:14

Call Women's Aid, who will be able to offer advice and support and help you plan how to leave safely.

His hand on your throat (attempted strangulation) is extremely serious. Doing so in front of your toddler is extremely serious. You should press charges. Do not under any circumstances take him back.

You sound like you are strong and have his measure. You can do this.

Weenurse Sat 18-Jul-20 00:30:39

Change the locks, call on family or friends to help provide support.
Pack all his belongings and park near the door.
Arrange for belongings to be dropped off or picked up by someone so you don’t have to see him.
Get legal advice. Good luck

DopamineHits Sat 18-Jul-20 00:53:25

One of the main things you must do is stick to your guns. Push for a prosecution. This man is a danger to you, and it doesn't sound like he has any consideration for his child's wellbeing either. Put all your focus on protecting you both from him.

dublingirl66 Sat 18-Jul-20 00:55:53

Oh my gosh
Been there

He assaulted the baby too

It was awful
Have you been to get medical help?
Record everything with the police

You will Get through this xxxxx

IJustWantSomeBees Sat 18-Jul-20 00:57:25

What a vile man. Call WomensAid and they can give you advice on everything. The most important thing is to ensure you’re safe though, do you have a loved one who can come and support you?

DirectTalker Sat 18-Jul-20 01:43:18

Why is the thread called "Finally" it happened? There's context missing?
Don't disagree with any PP, just his reaction is extreme. Clearly he'd defend any prosecution, but what is the past being put behind?

WorkingMule Sat 18-Jul-20 06:07:59

Thank you all for the advice.
We have been closed for a long time but for the last 18 months he started to behave like a dick and make me a scapegoat for everything( you name it, no money, baby crying, faulty appliance, scratch on the car wall, etc = me )
He was kept in custody last night, i gave my statement and he admitted that he assaulted me. Now I am waiting to see what his conditions will be when is released today.
i am filling for divorce today and starting to think on financial part: how I will carry on working, childcare, where I will stayetc.

OP’s posts: |
backseatcookers Sat 18-Jul-20 07:30:33

You're doing do well OP. Stay strong and keep talking on here if it's helping thanks

BPSCSS Sat 18-Jul-20 07:35:10

Okay, so mine assaulted me at the start of lockdown. Here is what happened next for me. First the police arrived, they pressed charges. He went on the run for several scary days, ringing threatening suicide, on police wanted lists etc. I booked him into a hotel and after one night told the police were he was, actually felt guilty about that one. The police arrested bailed and he couldn't come home.
But the police referred me to NCDV www.ncdv.org.uk/ , they helped me apply for a non molestation order which I got without notice and then a week later an occupancy order was approved. I self litigated both- surprisingly straightforward and empowering. Emotionally hard but a smooth process. This means if he so much as contacts me he risks 5 years prison. That was a huge step forward.
Child wise you will be referred to social services, a CAF will be opened and they will ask if Dad is around. From my experience, if he is not the CAF will close in record time and my kids got specialist support from an agency to support children who had witnessed domestic violence. The case worker range me the other day told me how well my kids were doing and that I had done an amazing job- it was the nicest thing I ever heard. You won't believe me now but your kids will be okay, it will be a bumpy ride though.
Police wise they will either caution (boo) or send the file to cps who will decide whether to prosecute.
CPS decided to prosecute- he pleaded guilty and get s sentenced this week.
Emotionally its really hard, I went to some dark places but came out and feel nearly normal now. In fact am going on a coffee date today with a seemingly normal man.
Good luck- it gets better.

Weenurse Sat 18-Jul-20 09:53:44

Good advice given above.
Good luck 💐

funnylittlefloozie Sat 18-Jul-20 13:03:31

BPSCSS thank you for that - sometimes it really helps to see the steps laid out so clearly.

OP, I hope you are coping ok today. It is a dreadful thing to have happened to you, and all the feelings that will be racing around in your head are valid ones. Please stay strong and dont let this poor excuse of a man wheedle his way back into your life.

DirectTalker Sat 18-Jul-20 13:16:55

The admission of guilt is a redeeming factor. It'll be for you to review, but it is perhaps a horrendous error of judgement. It doesn't mean he doesn't have to deal with the repercussions (divorce, police etc) - but i think the next step is counselling.

It's the bit that a lot of people don't like, but the authorities will be looking at how they/you go about restoring his ability to see DC without risking their safety. Counselling is a big part of that, as those DC have the right to form their own opinions independently of you, so you have to battle your own maternal instincts to shield them (e.g indirect contact, then supervised)

IJustWantSomeBees Sat 18-Jul-20 13:43:10

So glad to hear that you are safe, OP. Wishing you all the best flowers

BPSCSS Sat 18-Jul-20 14:03:54

Sorry but I am going to disagree with DirectTalker, counselling is the worst idea ever, he will talk his way back into your life. Admissions of guilt don't mean he realises what he has done is wrong on a sufficiently deep level to make changes to his fundamental values. Respect and abuse simply don't live together. Mine was on his second chance and there was a ten year gap between violence. That may sound positive but it meant 10 years on treading on eggshells and 10 years of my kids seeing an unhealthy relationship which I hope they don't go on to replicate.
Get the non mol in place then see if there is change. But if you follow a similar pattern you will be feeling shock, rage and exhaustion now. Use the energy of the rage to make you and your child safe and if at a later date, he has successfully changed you can review.
The words finally it happened tell me lots, deep down you were scared and that is no way to feel. The relief of not being scared is like a weight lifted and when you are over this initial stage you will enjoy that feeling.

namechange12a Sat 18-Jul-20 14:21:05

What have the police advised OP?

WorkingMule Sat 18-Jul-20 14:32:26

Thank you for all advices and encouragements.
He is being released now but with conditions not to come home without police escort and no contact. I have prepare his bags and now waiting to see his sorry ass going.
He admitted last night assault but not the one from 2 weeks ago.
He is a charmer and a very good actor when he was something
As soon he is gone I will use his friend address to file for divorce.

OP’s posts: |
namechange12a Sat 18-Jul-20 14:35:39

I would use this opportunity to organise a Non Molestation Order and Occupation Order. You can contact the NCDV or via Domestic Violence Assist.

You can read up on the injunctions here.

BPSCSS Sat 18-Jul-20 18:00:58

OP let me share with you the light at the end of the tunnel, at some point soon you will sit breathe and realise that no one is going to shout, scream or worse at some minor inconvenience. I cooked brown rice and it was lumpy- both things would have cause such havoc when he was around, in fact I used to be so nervous preparing this rice it spoilt my evening, and nothing awful happened. After the first trial I sat in his room, in his chair at his computer drinking gin, staying up well past the time he expected me to go to bed alone and dreamed of future possibilities- casual flings seemed quite high on my do to list! If you are on Mumsnet not so DH (which I suspect you are), enjoy reading and see you in court soon.

dublingirl66 Sun 19-Jul-20 10:45:43

You sound so strong
Well done

Life is about to get so much better
Yes next few months will be bumpy but it is so worth it

Having a bed and being able to spread out on it at night without being hit in my sleep or waking up to a fist in my face is the best feeling ever

Mine is up in court in sept
No doubt will deny all
So possible criminal case

We can do this !!!!

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