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Is there any hope left

(12 Posts)
ker89 Fri 17-Jul-20 19:54:51

I've been with my husband for 6 years now. We have 2 children together and a mortgage. The relationship hasn't been right for a good few months now and we've both admitted that we've thought of ending it a fair few times.
He spends a lot of his time drinking and doing drugs and not a lot of effort or time is put into me or our relationship. He's promised so many times he will cut down and stop and he never has. It causes countless amounts of arguments because we just can't see eye to eye about it.
I guess I'm scared of what will happen if we go our own ways. Where would I live? I don't want to have a set amount of days a week where I don't see my children because they're with their dad but I know that's only fair. It's just easier to stay together but we're both unhappy and we know it. I don't have the courage to end things but I also can't carry on like this

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Fri 17-Jul-20 19:57:15

If your H is doing drugs and drinking he will have to clean up his act if he wants to have the DC! He clearly has big issues and you and DC will be much happier without him tbh.

Therollockingrogue Fri 17-Jul-20 20:00:38

Sounds really tough op but the future with him seems very bleak. There are far worse scenarios than being alone. Living with a parent who regularly indulges in drink and drugs isn’t good for kids at all, and you know that deep down.
The potential for things to go horribly wrong in such a volatile situation is massive. If it’s hard now, I’ll tell you from experience it’s far worse when kids become teenagers. Just cut your losses, imagine your new life, and do your best to get out. Good luck

ker89 Fri 17-Jul-20 20:02:24

RandomMess

If your H is doing drugs and drinking he will have to clean up his act if he wants to have the DC! He clearly has big issues and you and DC will be much happier without him tbh.


I know this sounds drastic but IF it ever got so bad and a decision had to be made of who had the children etc.. could I have them full time because of his drink/drug habits? I obviously want the children to still have a relationship with their dad but in an ideal world I'd want them living with me full time.

OP’s posts: |
ker89 Fri 17-Jul-20 20:02:33

RandomMess

If your H is doing drugs and drinking he will have to clean up his act if he wants to have the DC! He clearly has big issues and you and DC will be much happier without him tbh.


I know this sounds drastic but IF it ever got so bad and a decision had to be made of who had the children etc.. could I have them full time because of his drink/drug habits? I obviously want the children to still have a relationship with their dad but in an ideal world I'd want them living with me full time.

OP’s posts: |
backseatcookers Fri 17-Jul-20 20:03:12

It being 'easier' to stay together isn't a good enough reason for your children to be living in a house with a parent who spends "a lot of his time drinking and doing drugs."

You need to make steps to break up and live separately, for the kids' sakes if not for your own.

Therollockingrogue Fri 17-Jul-20 20:04:54

How old are your kids op? Very little if you’ve only been together 6 years?

ker89 Fri 17-Jul-20 20:06:17

He doesn't ever do them around the kids may I add. They are oblivious to it all but I do agree, I need to think about what's best for my children and not me

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-Jul-20 20:08:31

Whose sake would you be staying for, theirs or more likely yours?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?

You would be teaching your children damaging lessons about relationships if you were to stay together. I would urge you to face your fears head on and start divorce proceedings ASAP. There is no point whatsoever in the two of you remaining together and your reasons for staying at all are frankly poor and based on mere supposition and not fact. You are married and thus have legal rights in law, seek legal advice because knowledge here is also power.

Therollockingrogue Fri 17-Jul-20 20:08:57

Everyone will tell you it’s best to leave and imagines that no parent with a drink/drug problem will ever be able to have children for sleepovers etc.
But it really isn’t so simple and we must acknowledge the truth (these men DO often get way more custody of the children than they should) . We have to in order to understand why some women cannot and will not leave abusive or difficult relationships. The thought of handing kids over at weekends to a drunk is too frightening.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-Jul-20 20:11:28

They are not as oblivious to it either as you think they are. Do not kid yourself. Sound travels too and they will pick up on all the vibes here between you and their dad, both spoken and unspoken.

I doubt very much your current husband will keep up a relationship with his children because his primary relationship is with drink and drugs. They need to be with you and you all need to be apart from this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-Jul-20 20:14:22

You have not been able to shield or otherwise fully yourself from the effects of his alcohol and drug taking so you can’t fully protect your children from this either.

His primary relationship is with drink and drugs, it’s not with you people. Do not continue here to let him drag you all down with him into his pit.

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