Therapy today made me sick as a dog

[Interestedwoman]

Just that really. I've had lots of different therapy etc over the last few years. I usually 'enjoy' it and am interested in the process.

Am 'seeing' a new counsellor, this was our second session. I'd say it's helpful, after last week I felt more grounded and was able to eat a bit more sensibly etc.

Today I was going on about a lot of unpleasant things, different traumas over the years etc. At the end the therapist asked how I was, as we'd gone into all these things. I said 'I'm ok, I only ever have a positive response to therapy.'

Then I had to go and throw up lol!

I know it's a response to reliving trauma etc, and probably some people do have this response, but it was a little unnerving. I hope the therapy doesn't make me worse or anything.

Am going to try and look after myself this evening, some sort of self-care etc. Hopefully will be ok tomorrow.

I mentioned it to a friend and it helped with the queasiness, so I thought I'd post.

[Rebeccasmoonnecklace]

Bless you OP Well done for accessing therapy, for talking to your friend and for posting on here for support.

Reliving trauma is such a very difficult and painful thing to do. Definitely indulge in some self-care tonight. I’d recommend a warm bath or shower, listening to some relaxing music etc.

I’d also speak to your counsellor at your next session about how you’ve been after today’s session as they may have some coping strategies you can utilise after your next sessions. If you still feel unsettled in a couple of days maybe email them or call them for advice.

[Interestedwoman]

@Rebeccasmoonnecklace Thanks for your support.

I have gone into some eating disorder symptoms I sometimes have. It's not anorexia or bulimia but something in between, where I make myself throw up different amounts of food sometimes but usually without having an actual binge. I'm not under the eating disorders team as they don't tend to deal with partial syndromes. I haven't had these behaviours for over a year- it tends to come and go. Between episodes of it I usually just eat a bit too much.

I'm not feeling any negative emotions, except maybe some anxiety/being unnerved at what's happening.

Maybe I'll have a word with my consulting team and let them know I'm doing this. I just emailed the therapist to let them know what's going on.

Think I might watch some comedy programmes or something. The weathers fine so I might go out for a walk round the block in a bit.

Thanks again. xx

[Craftycorvid]

I’m glad you were able to tell your therapist what happened. They sound sensitive to working with trauma so ought to be able to help you with the ways you respond physically, and offer some strategies for managing your responses. Good luck.

[Interestedwoman]

I have gone into some behaviours I occasionally have- eating disorder symptoms, not anorexia or bulimia but something in between, making myself throw up after various amounts of food but not a binge as such etc. Professionals know I sometimes do this. I'm also drinking. I know all this is maladaptive coping mechanisms maybe.

TW:-






What I have realized is that I'm in a state of shock at what I've experienced over the years, which includes violent rape, being taken advantage of when I was asleep or drunkenly out of it, kind of interfered with in my mid teens by a boy only a year older but much more experienced. Being used for sex, being coerced/nagged which included being psychologically cornered, pestered and I felt it was hard to say no. Saying no sometimes involved rejection by one guy. Another was so in control of my actions (though not completely as time went on) that he could use me as a sexual puppet and get me to do what he wanted regardless of my feelings.

On top of that the shock at how various people treated me. Such as 'the second rape' where a group around a rapist disbelieved and rejected me.

About some of the incidents the counsellor said 'so you weren't protected by those who should've protected you- lovers, friends, authorities.' The 'so you weren't protected by those that should've protected you' has made me think of my parents ... (nothing sexual in childhood, just bullying at school, some verbal abuse from my father etc) ... I haven't fully gone there yet.

Sorry to go on, I just think it's probably important to say what's happened, how I feel etc.

Maybe I'll get some more EMDR as I've had in the past and was helpful for painful memories. But I somehow don't want to erase the impact of these- it feels important to acknowledge it.

[MarioPuzo]

The day that I told my therapist about some hugely traumatic events (similar to yours) I had a huge, weird physical reaction too. I was trembling like a leaf for days after, couldn't eat, kept gasping for breath, felt tearful and like a gust of wind could blow me over. I think it was the release of 20+ years worth of trauma dumping into my nervous system. In hindsight it was like lancing a boil; after that session the memories of the traumatic events lost their power over me. It took a few weeks and months for the effects to become clear, but i can talk about the trauma easily now, it's like an old scar, instead of a festering wound. I think it's all part of the healing process and clearing all the badness out.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Interestedwoman]

Thanks all. Still pretty rough in terms of my eating behaviours etc, queasiness.

I emailed the counsellor and she said sorry to hear that, thanks for keeping her informed, and hopefully we'd talk about it on Friday when we have our session. I kind of wasn't sure if I'd annoyed her by emailing. Hopefully not.

I'm sure it's all part of life's rich tapestry and I think it will be healing to go into it fully.

[Comtesse]

Think it’s fine to send an email to therapist, sure they won’t mind! Hope you start to make sense of what is happening, sounds like there has been a LOT of terrible things taking their toll

[Interestedwoman]

Thanks all. I saw the duty nurse and got some Lorazepam to help me out. I'm still keen to do the work, this will just help support me through the process.

@Comtesse I don't think I fully expressed how I felt after I was raped. My then 'F'WB said he didn't want to hear about it because he didn't know what to say so it was stressing him out. I knew I was being annoying to all of my friends.

Then after the rape, therapy at the time went on to discuss other events around his various rejections and their impact on me. I think his not wanting to hear about the rape meant I had to try and put it to the back of my mind rather than sit with it. I'm looking forward to exploring it but glad I have meds.