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Friends/family not supportive of me leaving ex

(64 Posts)
paris1994 Fri 17-Jul-20 15:28:35

I'm writing here as I feel I'm going crazy.

Family/friends have witnessed us arguing and they have seen how he ends every row with bad language/throwing something/storming off. Everyone could name 10 reasons why they left someone but ultimately, it was how he uses verbal abuse to hurt me after an argument.

They all say he has a 'bad temper' and he needs anger management or therapy. They say I push him by expecting too much from him. They can't believe I've left someone who loves me so much and is so loyal in every way.

I have never felt so alone.. I'm being looked down on by everyone in my life, even work colleagues. His friends and family are telling to move on from me and he's gone into therapy. So even his family and friends are against me, even they know the things he has said to me.

I'm getting told by everyone "You should hear our arguments, that's life!"

I feel so alone now and confused.

OP’s posts: |
funnylittlefloozie Fri 17-Jul-20 15:43:52

HIS family and friends all say that. What do YOUR family and friends say?

At the end of the day, its your life. Their opinions are only that - opinions. If you are unhappy, you do NOT have to stay anywhere you are unhappy.

TwentyViginti Fri 17-Jul-20 15:48:12

This is bizarre. It's YOUR life, why is everyone you know so invested in your relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-Jul-20 15:52:54

He is your ex for extremely good reason and it needs to stay that way.
Do not let him back into your life.

Why are you at all listening to his family and friends?. Do not give these people your headspace. People can be over invested and they have their own interests at heart here, they certainly are not acting in your best interest. These people do not want to hear your side of things at all so their opinion should be ignored by you.

Abusers are angry because they are abusive and not simply because they are angry. I daresay too that this man, like many abusers actually, is probably quite plausible to those in the outside world and many people on the outside are thus fooled.

Abuse is all about power and control and he wants absolute here over his chosen target, in this case you. You were targeted by this man. Anger management courses and therapy are no answer to domestic violence or domestic abuse and such courses anyway have a very low success rate. This man had problems with anger, your anger, when you called him out rightly on his unreasonable behaviours.

Abuse like you describe can take time, even years, to recover from. Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid particularly if you have not already done this. I would also suggest you read "Living with the Dominator" written by Pat Craven.

paris1994 Fri 17-Jul-20 15:54:16

It's all my friends and family who are not supporting me.

And his friends and family.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-Jul-20 15:57:52

As I mentioned before some people can and do get over invested and act according to their own agenda. They always saw the nice version of him and not the nasty side he showed only to you. I would also think that one or two of these people have their own private based suspicions about your ex too but their concerns are being drowned out by the other noise you are hearing.

Ignore such naysayers and do not give such people any more power over you along with your precious headspace.

paris1994 Fri 17-Jul-20 16:07:50

My friends/family have witnessed his bad side but still seem to think he's not bad enough for me to have ended my relationship. They keep saying how miserable I am now but I can't help it, all break ups are bad.
I can't go and talk to them because I keep getting made to feel guilty and an idiot.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-Jul-20 16:11:39

Keep talking here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. It may be that such attitudes from family were partly also why you had a relationship with your abuser in the first place. Abusers too are masters of manipulation and many people are fooled accordingly. I would merely remind these so called friends that you were in this relationship, not them, and that there are people out there who are not what they seem. Then block them.

RedRumTheHorse Fri 17-Jul-20 16:13:20

His family and friends are his family and friends not yours.

Stop all contact and communication with them. They are now no longer part of your life. Even if you have children together it is up to him not you to sort out your joint children seeing them.

Your family and friends if they are true will come around. Just stop whinging to them.

Your colleagues are just that. Just stop whinging to them. If you changed workplace you wouldn't see them anymore.

paris1994 Fri 17-Jul-20 16:36:58

I was expecting my family, at least my mum to tell me I did the right thing but all I'm being told is I'm making a mistake.
I'm not talking to anyone now about it and I've isolated myself away from them so I feel terribly alone.

I have told them that I understand all couples argue however, the way he ended each argument with a verbal attack took it's toll on me. Whenever I mention his temper, my family just make excuses for him. He's stressed, he's hard working, don't nag him.

OP’s posts: |
torquewench Fri 17-Jul-20 16:51:45

He's an ex for good reason. Without wishing to hijack, when I left my ex-H, my friends, without exception, were supportive. My parents, Dad in particular, basically said they were "too old to deal with this shit" (early 70s) and said I should go back to him, as no-one in the family has ever divorced, and because my Dad had been to see him, without telling me, and he was really upset about me leaving. They didnt once ask how I was feeling, though.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Fri 17-Jul-20 17:00:33

I could have written this except we got back together. It's awful when people are against you.

VettiyaIruken Fri 17-Jul-20 17:04:16

Fuck them. They don't have to live with that.

How dare they try to guilt you into staying with a bully.

Try saying well, if you want to be treated like shit that's your problem. I don't.

Alexandernevermind Fri 17-Jul-20 17:06:28

That's really sad op. They aren't living with his temper, you are. Are they worried about money /children / what outsiders will think? It doesn't sound like they have your best interests at heart and if he was that loving and loyal he would have saught help before he lost you. If he is making you unhappy then you have made the right decision.

Moltenpink Fri 17-Jul-20 17:22:58

Some people would rather be in an unhappy relationship than alone, and project their feelings onto others. Ignore ignore ignore.

paris1994 Fri 17-Jul-20 18:12:57

Yes Torque!
My family/friends have not asked how I am.

Because I am the one who kicked him out, I look like the bad one. The ungrateful one! And the fact he's now gone into therapy and is telling everyone he's trying to win me back is making me look even worse.

Everytime I speak to family/friends I am getting "So what are doing about (ex) ?
"You need to see him, he's in a bad way since you left him"
"You are being dramatic, everyone argues"

OP’s posts: |
Dery Fri 17-Jul-20 18:58:20

@paris1994 - it is absolutely awful that they are siding with your X against you. The behaviour you describe is abusive - designed to scare you into not arguing with him again. Where do they get off describing him as "someone who loves you so much"? That's not how someone who loves you so much behaves. What is wrong with them? Tell them to stop minimising a situation which was so scary and threatening for you. Plenty of people are in relationships where they don't get shouted and sworn at or have things thrown - tell them you want to be in a relationship like that.

You don't owe him a relationship and you don't mention any DCs so presumably it is only you and him affected by the breakup even though everyone around you seems to be overly invested in it. The reality is that he could have been the nicest, kindest man in the world but if you weren't happy with him, you would have been perfectly entitled to leave him. But what you describe sounds abusive and you were equally entitled to say you don't want to be with someone who treats you like that.

Sorry you don't have better support around you IRL.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 17-Jul-20 19:02:24

OP.. you need to close down the narrative on all these 'external' opinions... do allow these people an opinion unless invited..

Block/ignore/shut down any conversation that seeps into your personal space... your mental well being needs that respect.. you need to heal.. and please stop explaining yourself to these selfish entitled twats... how very arrogant of them..

look after number one OP flowers


paris1994 Fri 17-Jul-20 22:14:45

It seems all my friends and family want to talk about, what am I going to do, I must get back with him because I won't find anyone else.
A family member even looked me up and down saying "You're getting on now, late 20's and it will get harder to meet someone"
This is what I'm dealing with.

I absolutely love this man but the bad language is just too hurtful to forget.

OP’s posts: |
user18522478987665 Fri 17-Jul-20 22:30:34

It may be that such attitudes from family were partly also why you had a relationship with your abuser in the first place.

I think this bears repeating.

I am sorry you're dealing with this, but it's probably not coincidental that you have family /friends who think you should quietly endure being abused and that you were targeted by an abuser (and initially did try to find a way to endure his abuse).

Honestly, I think you would breathe a sigh of relief at it not just being you if you did the Freedom Programme. It describes this same scenario playing out for abused women, right down to him enlisting his friends/family to start with the "oh but he's changed!" bollocks.

You did the right thing in jettisoning him.

SandyY2K Fri 17-Jul-20 22:54:18

It seems very strange that not one person...despite witnessing the abuse can understand why you left him.

Is it that they all have such low expectations of relationships? It's really worrying that your own family are so unsupportive.

I would tell all your family and friends that you don't want to talk about him.

I don't know how long this relationship was...but maybe...just maybe therapy will help him.

BumbleBeee69 Fri 17-Jul-20 22:57:00

OP.. you have plenty time flowers

FrenchBoule Fri 17-Jul-20 22:58:32

OP, you have only one life and it’s better lived alone than with abusive arsehole.
You’re still young and there are decent men out there.
Ignore all your ex’s flying monkeys.

Stay strong. It’s hard without your family support but it will pay off in better life.

LonginesPrime Fri 17-Jul-20 23:06:49

What are you, OP, a human sacrifice?

If you don't want to be in a relationship any more, that's up to you - it doesn't even need to be because of abuse or because he's wronged you in some way - you can leave a relationship for any reason you like and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Don't let any of the toxic control freaks you seem to be surrounded by dictate how you live your life - tell them all to fuck off and forget looking for a new relationship - I'd be looking for new know, the type that actually let you have your own opinions and don't have massive boundary issues?

Techway Fri 17-Jul-20 23:07:28

You're getting on now, late 20's and it will get harder to meet someone"

Wow, you are so young. Don't let anyone bully or invalidate you into accepting poor treatment. You know you deserve better and want a healthy relationship. They don't know what a healthy relationship is which is why they are telling you its normal.

Stay strong, you have lots of time to mert someone else. Well done for valuing yourself.

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