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How long until it feels better?

(52 Posts)
Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 07:52:25

This is day one of a totally devastating break up. Lockdown means few distractions and I can’t see my friends.
How long until it stops hurting so much that I can’t breathe? What helps? I’m desperate here. If not for the dc I’d be gone.

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BoopBop Fri 17-Jul-20 08:04:48

I dont think I have any good advice, I should tell you to concentrate on yourself and kids but I found it helpful to get on a dating app get swiping. I didnt meet up with anyone but found the chatting a nice distraction and built some confidence. Im sure someone more wise than me will come along now, it will get better though!

HGKPG Fri 17-Jul-20 08:14:59

Feel your pain. Day 5 after I ended things.. Feel heartbroken but know it had to be done..even though it doesn't feel like it right now

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:37:53

I was hoping for some magic answers.
I’m 35 but it’s the first time I’ve ever been in love. It wasn’t perfect - she would flip from totally loving me to telling me to fuck off every couple of weeks and then after a day or so go back to being loving again. It wasn’t perfect, but there was a lot of good with it and despite the above I trusted her completely.

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Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:38:37

She ended it.
She decided I wasn’t what she wanted.

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Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:40:20

I just wish there was an off switch. So I didn’t have to wait for it to feel better and then spend the next however long looking for something the same and not finding it.

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romdowa Fri 17-Jul-20 08:42:46

No advice but just wanted to tell you I'm in the same boat. Was told two weeks ago to go home out of the blue and I finally managed to fly home this week after a week of packing my stuff. All we can do is give it time and take it one hour at a time. Big hugs xx

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:46:27

I think the hardest thing is that I can’t think about any of the happy bits because they will forever be tainted with how I feel now - I suppose that’s normal in a break up. This was my first same sex relationship since realising I was gay. There is a large part of me that wishes I’d never realised. Relationships with men have never hurt me so much. I really thought we had a chance and we’d spoken so much about the future. Monday she was talking engagement rings. Wednesday she started to ignore me and yesterday she said I’m not what she wants. I can’t make her feel differently, I know. I just find the chopping and changing so hard to keep up with. Even Wednesday lunchtime she was saying she was so lucky to have me, she wanted me with her all the time, she couldn’t imagine life without me.

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cheezy Fri 17-Jul-20 08:46:53

Oh OP I feel your pain I really do.
There may be a magic answer (sort of) in the form of Paul McKenna's book 'I can mend your broken heart'. It's full of techniques that do seem to work! At least I was in a similar hole a few days ago, and it's lifted significantly smile There is hope!

MizMoonshine Fri 17-Jul-20 08:48:52

Look at your relationship objectively.
There's a reason you felt so strongly, it was the push and pull. You were rejected then dragged back. She would shower you with love when you were together. Hot and cold.
It's a type of abusive behaviour, often unknowingly given out by people who aren't capable of navigating an adult relationship properly.
She's done you a kindness by cutting you loose. Living that way, constantly chasing the good and being pushed back regularly isn't healthy.

It's not going to magically feel better. But taking off the rose coloured glasses and remembering the bad will help you.

You'll be fine, in a little while. Just focus on yourself. On what you want and need.

fflelp Fri 17-Jul-20 08:48:58

How long were you together?
Usually the longer you were together the longer it takes to get over a break-up.
I took a long time to recover from the break-up of my last relationship - almost a year but the very intense feelings did not last more than about 3 months.
Lockdown is making things really difficult for everyone but what I did was plan some days out/activities I'd always wanted to do so that I always had something to look forward to. I'm sure you can think of some things you'd like to do with the children or on your own. You can find plenty of things to do that are cheap too. Mark them on a calendar so there's always something nice around the corner.
Also maybe treat yourself to some new clothes - doesn't have to be a lot of things but just one or two key pieces.

I also read the book "It's called a break up because it's broken" which also gives you some ideas for writing about the break up and questions to answer. I enjoyed the book - it's like a no-nonsense friend talking to you, sympathetic but at the same time helping you to come to terms with it.

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:50:05

Thanks. I will try the book. I will try ANYTHING. Functioning is where I’m aiming.
I think the fact it was all fine and then suddenly not - although that has been the pattern - is what makes it harder. Literally half an hour before she was breaking up with me she was telling me she was mine etc etc.

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Awwwshutup Fri 17-Jul-20 08:52:11

It gets better. This was me ten years ago, and now I'm married to someone else and more kids.
When my ex left I felt so sad and empty. The only thing that kept me going was having a child to care for.
He left for someone else, well caught him cheating, then he left.
I used to wake up then take a few seconds to realise, then feel sad.
I made it better by going to the gym and going on hill walks, ripping up all the photos and cards. Getting new clothes and changing my hair.
It probably took about 7 months to move on. It really does get better, it's important to keep busy and avoid sad songs.
I think it's worse when someone leaves you because you don't expect it and have no control over it.
You'll get there!

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:53:14

Miz it was trauma bonding. I’d feel so glad she was ok again that I’d get a massive rush of happiness. The longest we managed in over a year without it happening was about a month but it’s been every couple of weeks since Christmas.
The trouble is - when it was good it was really good.
I don’t think I can manage three months of feeling as bad as this. I will have to numb it with medication. I cannot eat or sleep.
Lockdown makes it worse as I’m already not in touch with my friends as much as I would be normally.

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Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:54:20

Will I ever meet anyone I love as much? It seems unlikely. This is the first time in 35 years. That long again, i’ll be 70.

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fflelp Fri 17-Jul-20 08:55:49

This was my first same sex relationship since realising I was gay. There is a large part of me that wishes I’d never realised. Relationships with men have never hurt me so much.
I wondered if this was the case when I read your OP. You also talk about it being the first time you've ever been in love. That's always the hardest I think. The relationships with men never hurt you as you weren't in love with them. It's going to be really hard now for several months but it will get better. You will meet someone else in the future who is a better match for you and you will fall in love with her. I think life with your ex-girlfriend sounded like a constant rollercoaster and you would have had a lifetime of ups and downs so even though you don't see it like this, she's done you a favour.

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 08:56:56

When she’d pushed me away she would tell me after it was because she loved me so much and was scared of losing me and that she’d never behaved that way before because she’d not loved someone that much before.
It was like a disconnect button would be pressed. Like talking to a different person.

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Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 09:00:00

There was an instance where my 10 year old said he didn’t want to play with her 6 year old and she lost it. She drove off and left us and then sent me loads of messages saying me and my kids could fuck off. She never wanted to see me again. She never wanted me to contact her again. She would block me.

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HGKPG Fri 17-Jul-20 09:00:53

Hopeless it's so hard I know. I really wish I had the answers but right now it feels like everythings rubbish.. I get it.
I feel the same, like I can't mkve forward or think about anything for fear of having some utter meltdown.. And I'm working so I can't.
I feel like you describe your ex, I was the one pushing for something that I wasn't going to get.. False promises and even though he was amazing and made me happy I wasn't at the prospect of a future I wanted and wasn't going to get.. Yet hours before we fell out I told him I loved him, then ended it. She will love you, just sometimes it's not enough. Hugs

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 09:01:01

It was a really stressful time for her and I think it was all too much.
I’ve lived in fear of her blocking me on every available platform and never contacting me again.

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fflelp Fri 17-Jul-20 09:04:03

Will I ever meet anyone I love as much? It seems unlikely. This is the first time in 35 years. That long again, i’ll be 70.

No, it won't be that long!
Anyway, you can only really start counting the number of years it took for you to meet someone you loved from your teens - say 15, to make the calculation easy. So it took you 20 years to find someone. In those years you were with men and you had children. So you were able to find people to be with - the problem with those people was of course that actually you're gay and it obviously took time to realize this.
I think that you've learned so much about yourself in the last few years and will now have a much clearer idea of what you want so it won't take that years and years to find someone.

You say you want to numb this with medication - if this is the case, please go to the GP to discuss your feelings and get a prescription rather than trying to take something yourself which could have bad side-effects if not used properly.

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 09:06:32

HG why wouldn’t it have worked out?
This has been our pattern since the early days. I always knew really she could go at any time. It felt like a threat.

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NC4Now Fri 17-Jul-20 09:09:34

It sounds very unhealthy and dramatic. This relationship wasn’t right. It’s going to hurt but it will pave the way for something better, something that is right.
Do things that will boost your self esteem. Can you afford or access any counselling?
One day at a time, and you will heal. You really will. Just don’t pick up the phone and ask her to come back. It isn’t good for any of you flowers

Pollypocket89 Fri 17-Jul-20 09:13:34

I know you're hurting but she sounds unstable and abusive. Please hold onto that, that's not normal x

Hopelesswashopeful Fri 17-Jul-20 09:33:14

She says that when she’s upset about something her instinct is to hurt me as much as possible.
I’m not perfect but I would never intentionally hurt her.

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