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Controlling mom(10 Posts)
I'm struggling with my mom at the moment who I believe is extremely controlling towards me and my 2 siblings. She gets into many arguments, and more so recently, as I am getting married next month. She constantly has an opionon on everything we are all doing, and I feel frightened to tell her anything that is happening in my life as I know 90% off the time she will not agree or be happy with decisions I have made.
I went to view a flat a few weeks ago and I could tell my mom was unhappy about me moving out (ps - I'm a 30 y/o female). I'm moving in with my future husband, and today she told me that I never 'consulted' her when I signed the paperwork for the flat and that was not acceptable. She is also trying to sort things out for the small wedding we are having, and is over exaggerated everything in her head. If I tell her I'm at work and can't help her plan things to do at the moment, she has a massive go at me and tells me I'm really rude, don't care, and want everything my way. I try and explain that just because I am working from home, it does not mean I am free. Even if I tell her i'll help with it all at the weekend, this is not good enough as all of this stuff is urgent in her eyes. It is a very small wedding, there is not much to plan but she is creating work for herself. Because of lockdown, I have been unable to see or spend much time with my partner as we don't live together and are almost 2 hours drive from each other. Everytime I do go and see him she makes me feel extremely guilty, and then throws it in my face when she is raging saying that I go and see him every weekend when I should be at home helping her and (doing nothing).
For the last few days she has been finding little things to argue about. Today it was the fact I see my in laws and my partners extended family. She doesn't like that and apparently it shows I am not bothered about my own family because I am 'too busy' mixing with my partners family. The accusations are getting ridiculous.
It is so draining dealing with my mother as when we talk, it is never a conversation, more just abuse hurdled my way. She never listens and even if I try and explain my point of view, she doesn't want to hear it and will twist my words to what she thinks I said. Sometimes I am genuinely confused if she misheard me or just made it up. If I tell her she is twisting my words she calls me a liar and makes me feel worthless and stupid.
I am getting married next month and cannot wait to get some space from her. When I share my arguments with my siblings, they are both very understanding as they have also been on the receiving end of it... However they just keep saying she is lashing out because it is a lot of change for her. I am moving out, getting married and leaving home where I have lived for the past few years, and she cannot cope with all the change so is having an adverse reaction. In my eyes, I am 30 years old and living at home. Not exactly the dream scenario.
I worry that once i have moved out and got married, she will find something new to argue with me about and I cannot handle anymore of her stress. If I don't call her, text her, come home to see her, see my in laws more than I see her... She will turn this all into something that it is not and will make the beginning of my married life a misery. My mom does not really have a relationship with her own siblings and I feel she does not understand what it means to be part of a family. It is very stressful living with her and lockdown has caused many issues. Now that I am starting to look forward to the next chapter in my life, my mom is tainting it with all her arguments and I feel a bit hopeless. I feel scared and fearful to approach her about anything in life, now and in the future. Even if she doesn't agree with my decisions, I do what I want to live the life I want, but it is just draining telling her as I know the arguments it will cause. Just hoping someone reads this and understands me and can relate/offer some advice
First of all, your mother can only control you if you allow it. Secondly, as soon as she kicks off on the phone about ANYTHING you need to hang up the phone. There will be no arguments if you refuse to argue and constantly try to explain/defend yourself.
You can't control her, but you can control how you react to her. Stop handing away all of your control and take it back. You need to take a massive step back from your mother. She, and her pointless opinions, have no bearing on your life whatsoever. It's time to break through the FOG.
My mum has a tendency to do this, I found it was really heightened when I was getting married. My now husband and I brought a house pre marriage and I moved in once I was engaged, I had told my mum for years this was what I would do but it still caused a huge argument and issues when it happened. I did find once I was married everything settled down, me and my husband did spend time putting in boundaries ourselves and not making ourselves readily available whenever my mum was at a loose end. I did worry recently things were going backwards as I'm now pregnant with our first baby and I felt my mum was taking away a lot of my chances to do things as a ftm which o was more sensitive about due to covid, anyway we did have a little argument but resolved. I have found I have to constantly re-assert my boundaries, I will just make it quite clear I appreciate x y or z but will make a decision with my husband when baby is here. My thought is that a lot of it is fear you're leaving which doesn't help you at all, I know when you're living in it the situations are much more triggering and can escalate quicker. I found the distance helped me. Sending hugs OP I know how hard this transition can be
What aquamarine wrote.
It is not your fault that your mother is abusive (controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour) and you did not make her that way. She is really projecting her own self onto you; SHE is the one who wants her own way, is really rude and does not care. You need to remove her entirely from your wedding arrangements now and not invite her to the wedding.
She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and you will need to keep her well away from any children you go onto have. Its no surprise at all that your mother does not have a relationship with her own siblings.
Your boundaries though need work; you would not have tolerated any of this from a friend for instance. Do work on any and all residual fear, obligation and guilt through seeing a therapist and one at that who has no familial bias despite the presence of mistreatment.
Have a read too of the "well we took you to Stately Homes May 2020" thread on these relationships pages and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Do also read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.
There are a few books you can read, so get yourself educated.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (Daughters Of Narccissistic Mothers Book 1)
Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Or just google - toxic mothers in Amazon and there's a whole load of books. This is not rare and many daughters go through it.
She's a narcissist so read up on that.
Also google - FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)
You can start to free yourself but it will take a lot of strength and patience and time.
Unfortunately you have been 'conditioned' by her for a long time and you need to untangle that and claim your life back as your own.
I'd love to say, just ignore her, tell her to fuck off, tell her to mind her own business, I'll see who I want and when I want thank you, etc.......
But from reading on here it really is not that easy.
Do some reading and then tackle it the best way you can.
Work with your future DH and be a team to tackle this.
Thank you all for your recommendations. I will have a look through this literature and hopefully sort my head out a bit regarding how to deal with my mother.
OP you do realise that you are part of this toxic dynamic. You're the one giving her information, taking her calls and tolerating her toxic bull shit. You feel helpless because you've never felt empowered, it's learned helplessness.
OP you're 30 and it's time to look through those boxes and find your backbone. You will get a kick back but the answer to that is to distance yourself and go low contact with her. Organise your own wedding, don't pick up her calls, let them go to messages. Move out asap.
Look up this link Codependent Parent
Where the parent is always a victim
when can you move into your flat?
move in as soon as you can
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