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I want to end the marriage but worried about his finances and emotions

(6 Posts)
Fudgeytastic Thu 16-Jul-20 21:37:59

There's no one else involved but for me the marriage is dead. I've tried but I don't find him attractive at all and I cringe with any physical contact. I haven't told him this because I can see how hurtful it will be.

Fundamentally he is a good man and I don't want to see him any harm which is why I have prolonged this agony for far too long now. We have 2 DC under 10 and whilst half the time he is a caring dad, the DC don't respect him at all. He will binge drink a couple of nights a week until he is a mess and has no authority with them at all.

I worry that if he moved out he couldn't accord rent on a place on his own. We're not big earners but we live a modest life. Our mortgage repayments are a lot lower than monthly rent on houses around here. I'm stating this presuming I will keep the house and have the kids with me.

He has also suffered with depression and has threatened to kill himself on more than one occasion. He's never gone through with anyone but it scared me enough to get him help and he is currently on antidepressants. I worry that if we split he will do something silly and I just couldn't live with myself.

It is also our 10 year wedding anniversary coming up. If I do bite the bullet and end the marriage is it better to do it before or after? I feel like I know what I want to do but I am terrified of the consequences either way.

Sorry for the rambling post but my head is a bit jumbled up right now.

OP’s posts: |
AmberAndAlexsMum Thu 16-Jul-20 21:52:38

Threatening to commit suicide is a controlling manoeuvre designed to get you to do what he wants by causing you guilt. What you need to remember is that he is responsible for his actions, not you.

I think there is no point in dragging out an unhappy situation and you would probably be best just sitting him down, explaining how you feel and ask him to leave.

Does he have family he could go to? Does he work? There is support for everyone out there if you look on internet. But your priority is you and the children.

I suffered from anxiety for a short while after leaving ex but soon realised that I couldn't waste the time as I needed to look after my daughter and myself.

It's not easy but is a lot better than suffering and letting your children be affected by it.

Good luck, bite the bullet and think of the happier life to come.flowers

user1573957284738 Thu 16-Jul-20 21:52:39

You are clearly a caring person but you need to shift your focus from the adult who doesn't want you to save him, to yourself and your children who do need protecting.

What was the context of him "threatening" suicide before? As in, was it an actual threat used to get something he wanted or do you just mean he expressed suicidal feelings?

It does make a bit of a difference, although ultimately it's not your responsibility what decisions he makes.

The children deserve a stable home, not one with an alcoholic father. It really does mess people up right into adulthood.

So perhaps when you feel a surge of guilt remind yourself that this is one of those times where you don't have a good option vs a bad option, you just have to pick the least bad option. Staying to try and avoid short term pain for him means long term pain for you and the children. Given your children don't have the luxury of weighing up whether to stay or go, I think it's clear who takes priority.

As for the anniversary, I can't see it would do any of you much good to spin things out past that and try to play act through it knowing you plan to leave.

Leaving looks terrifying now - largely because no matter how crappy things are they are at least familiar and known whereas life after leaving is uncertain - but it is survivable.

user1573957284738 Thu 16-Jul-20 21:54:54

"Leaving" as in "leaving the relationship ".

Fudgeytastic Thu 16-Jul-20 22:04:51

Threatening to commit suicide is a controlling manoeuvre designed to get you to do what he wants by causing you guilt.
Funny you should say that as I have spoken to a friend about another situation between me and him a few weeks ago and they said he was trying to control me too. I do wonder if he's intelligent enough to be controlling though? Not to belittle him but he came across as naive when it came to relationships when we first met and I wonder if he still doesn't understand how relationships work.

To everyone else he's like a loveable buffoon but to me... he makes me miserable. Some find his jokes hilarious but they make me cringe.

He's always told me how much he loves me and that I'm too good for him. And I've always felt guilty that I don't really feel the same. We met in my late 20s after I'd had a string of failed relationships and I was after some stability and a man to raise children with. I thought I picked the safe bet but now I just realised I've settled.

I do feel like I've answered my own question though. I'm just so scared of everything changing.

OP’s posts: |
AmberAndAlexsMum Thu 16-Jul-20 22:53:43

Change is terrifying. If it wasn't for my sister getting my daughter and I out of there, I might have stayed longer and regretted it more

You can do this and it will get easier. Got everything crossed for you and a better life to come.

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