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Why am I in such a state?

(68 Posts)
usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 21:03:00

Me and my partner of six years fell out over the weekend over something ridiculous.
He was already out when it happened and hasn’t been back since, only to pick up clothes.
He has now said that’s it and doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
I feel awful. One minute I’m ok and Trying to be practical and the next can’t stop crying. My heart is racing, I feel sick. I literally feel despair. He won’t talk, just send horrible messages and blames me for everything wrong in his life.
I’m worrying about the house being split, money, just everything.
I just feel a mess and he doesn’t even care.
I also lost my Dad a few weeks ago and was already struggling with that but this feeling is the worst I’ve ever felt .. I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I don’t even want to go to sleep tonight as I know what I’ll be facing tomorrow!!

OP’s posts: |
Perch Thu 16-Jul-20 21:13:09

What happened to trigger this?

Lozzerbmc Thu 16-Jul-20 21:18:39

Thats devastating, the relationship ending and the recent loss of your Dad so close together. Anyone would be in a state. Have you friends who can support you? I know your mind will be racing re the future, house, money etc but take it one step at a time. Focus on getting through each day. Get some legal advice as to your position. Breathe and try to eat something even something little.

My marriage ended suddenly after 14 yrs and it was like the rug pulled under my feet. I lost my home as well and thought i would never get over it, but i was wrong. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other...

Lozzerbmc Thu 16-Jul-20 21:19:34

Do you think partner will come back?

usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 21:21:23

It was over something pathetic. I found out he’d lied to me about something stupid and quite insignificant to have caused this much fuss.

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Thu 16-Jul-20 21:31:47

You caught him out in a lie, and his response is to have a major tantrum and leave? He's deflecting. He's making sure you don't question him again about lies or he'll walk.

Sorry about your dad. Maybe he doesn't like that your focus hasn't been on him over the past weeks. Sadly some men can't stand not to be number one, always. They kick off after major events to bring your focus back to them. Childbirth, loss of partner's family member etc.

usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 21:45:56

@Lozzerbmc I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through that. It’s good to know you’ve got over it now. My friends are being amazing but they can’t physically take the pain away.
He means it though. He told me he’s been unhappy the whole time apparently even though only the day before I thought we were really happy.

@TwentyViginti He’s always needed lots of attention and gets jealous over my friends but this is a low blow for him.

I’m trying to do the things they tell you to do after breaking up but OMG it’s hard. Today has been especially hard.

I’ve been struggling anyway after losing my Dad and had been given ad’s to help me sleep and I then lost my job and now this.
It just all feels too much.

OP’s posts: |
TheStuffedPenguin Thu 16-Jul-20 21:50:46

it was unexpected and it was a huge shock and it was just a few days ago . You won't believe it now but you will feel better in time and if this is how he behaves he has done you a huge favour. Sadly you just need to get through it . We cling onto things out of fear even when we know they are not good for us.

SepticTankYank Thu 16-Jul-20 21:50:51

Sounds like you've had a lucky break. The guys a dick. You don't react that badly to being caught out lying unless there's more to the story. There's no way he wasn't happy the whole time. He is trying to hurt you.

The pain will pass. I don't think there is much you can do but let it all out, keep active and wait.

BBCONEANDTWO Thu 16-Jul-20 21:52:49

OMG my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the despair you are feeling at the moment. The way he's handled this makes me think that in a few months time you will feel better and realise that you have dodged a bullet.

So so sorry about your dad - but your partner is stopping you from properly grieving for your dad and is someone who would never support you(or probably anyone) when most needed. I hope this is not insensitive but is your mother still alive? Do you have any brothers or sisters who could help you cope or who you could go and stay with for a few nights to support you and stop your lonely feelings.

I've been through something similar before and it's awful, you can't stop that horrible anguish and panic.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. It's worsened by losing your job as well but that's something you could try and focus on if you have the energy??

usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 21:59:33

There is honestly nothing more to the story. This is how petty it started. I know I should be glad to be rid if he’s treating me like this when he already knew I wasn’t coping too well but I just can’t stop thinking about him and what we’ve lost and the future we had planned. It’s so stupid to feel like this but I feel hurt that he doesn’t even care. He just seems glad to be rid of me but I’m already missing him. I think it may be the fear too as I’m worrying about the house and my job and what I’m going to do first and am going round in circles as to what I’m going to sort out first.

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Thu 16-Jul-20 22:00:09

Sorry to be right - but at least you know why he's being like this. You cannot be allowed to grieve - all your thoughts must be on your partner. He's actually jealous.

He's done you a huge favour. You now know he can't be relied on for major stress events.

Let him stay gone. Seek help from your friends. A new job will come when you're stronger emotionally.

carreterra Thu 16-Jul-20 22:00:10

@usercryingmessno1
I agree with what Lozzerbmc says, just to breathe and focus on getting through each day.
I ended things with my partner of 16 years 3 weeks ago, and yet i feel physically sick some days. only due to not being prepared financially, and things weren't always bad.
TwantyViginti says "Some men can't stand not to be number one, always". This is so true. Just think of the person you were before you met him. I have been going for runs, to help me not dwell on things, the exercise has been beneficial. Please read a poem available online, "Love after love" by Derek Walcott, for every human emotion there has ever been, there has been a poet somewhere, who has put pen to paper about it. Pour a glass of wine, and think "Next !" flowers

carreterra Thu 16-Jul-20 22:03:16

TwentyVirginti even, apologies !! I've read your other posts too, always good sense. star

usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 22:08:24

I seem to go in waves of crying in frustration through him and then my Dad. I just don’t know what I’m feeling apart from sick and anxious and teary.
Yes my Mum is still around and is being brilliant and so are my sisters. They can’t believe he could do this as it’s been a shock to them too.
Sorry to hear you’ve been through similar too. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.
I will start job hunting tomorrow. I’ve already sorted some paperwork today but just didn’t have it in me to finish anything. I’ve just sat around constantly checking my phone whereas the start of the week I’ve been managing to occupy myself.
I’m so frustrated as he was supporting me in setting up a business for myself so I’d splashed out on a new computer and other bits but it was for nothing as I can’t do that without his support. I feel an idiot.

OP’s posts: |
usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 22:14:09

Thank you for your support this evening. I will take on board everything that’s been said and just wait for this to pass.
I’ve been trying to have a word with myself all day about who I was before and listening to music to remind me but as cliche as it sounds, everything reminds me of him. I’m normally a strong person and I’ve got through tons of tough situations and I’m annoyed at myself for being so weak now.
I don’t think I ever want to be in this situation again.

OP’s posts: |
BBCONEANDTWO Thu 16-Jul-20 22:17:24

usercryingmessno1

I seem to go in waves of crying in frustration through him and then my Dad. I just don’t know what I’m feeling apart from sick and anxious and teary.
Yes my Mum is still around and is being brilliant and so are my sisters. They can’t believe he could do this as it’s been a shock to them too.
Sorry to hear you’ve been through similar too. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.
I will start job hunting tomorrow. I’ve already sorted some paperwork today but just didn’t have it in me to finish anything. I’ve just sat around constantly checking my phone whereas the start of the week I’ve been managing to occupy myself.
I’m so frustrated as he was supporting me in setting up a business for myself so I’d splashed out on a new computer and other bits but it was for nothing as I can’t do that without his support. I feel an idiot.

I totally understand the waves of crying and anxiety. Believe me - it will get better - unfortunately you will have to go through this pain as you can't help your emotions - even though deep down you can probably see how selfish he has been. Please - if he does try to come back be strong and try and move on. I made that very bad mistake in taking him back and it was the worst mistake I ever made.

Good that you're looking for a job but take it easy and don't beat yourself up if you're not in the mood. Could you not set up the business without him? I do wonder if you could go and stay with your mum for a wee while - it would give you more of a chance to properly grieve and have someone there who loves you unconditionally.

Hugs to you.

usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 22:48:23

@BBCONEANDTWO thank you for your kind words. I do see how selfish he’s being and that’s what hurts. In a few days, things will seem easier hopefully and if he does come back, I’ll be strong enough to say no.
Although I don’t think he will as he wasn’t one for opening up first. He’d agree with what I would say or do first if that makes sense. It was as though he took his lead from me and would never put himself out there. I’ll never forget how he’s treated me this week and the resentment from that I feel would cause issues as it has before with him.
Unfortunately to be able to work on my business, I’d need an income coming in until it took off. I’ll have to try and set it up alongside working full time so maybe that could be a project in the coming weeks.
I’m off to stay with my Mum on Monday as she suggested it might help. I don’t feel like I want to but I know it will help.
I’m upset also that it’s another failed relationship. I’m 37 and it seems to be disaster after disaster In my life but never on this scale.
I’ve just stupidly written out a list of all the things about him which annoy me or I didn’t like as I read that may help too. I’m willing to try anything to get over this feeling.
All of your advice tonight has helped so much. I feel drained tonight and worried about waking up tomorrow and having another day like today but I’ll read your posts and it’ll hopefully help again.

OP’s posts: |
SepticTankYank Thu 16-Jul-20 23:13:43

I don't mean more to the story that you're not saying, I mean more to his story that you may not know about. Wasn't accusing you smile

Why can't you do the business without his support? Does he have a skill you don't? I bet you could find a way. Don't be disheartened!

It is such a horrific feeling isn't it but we all know it. We've all been through it and we all move on.

I always find the best way is to let the pain overpower you and then once it's all out, put it behind you. Bottling it up never helps.

SepticTankYank Thu 16-Jul-20 23:13:55

I don't mean more to the story that you're not saying, I mean more to his story that you may not know about. Wasn't accusing you smile

Why can't you do the business without his support? Does he have a skill you don't? I bet you could find a way. Don't be disheartened!

It is such a horrific feeling isn't it but we all know it. We've all been through it and we all move on.

I always find the best way is to let the pain overpower you and then once it's all out, put it behind you. Bottling it up never helps.

SepticTankYank Thu 16-Jul-20 23:15:06

Sorry. I didn't see your last post. Can you do this business on the side?

usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 23:24:52

@SepticTankYank there could well be but he’s not the best communicator so who knows.
I’d only struggle to set up the business due to him not being around to take over the bills. I would definitely give it a go alongside a full time job though. Was going to try and see what I could do this weekend as I’ll have plenty of time on my hands.
My friend said exactly the same about not bottling everything up and letting it all out. I have definitely been successful at that today. I’ve been on a high one minute thinking I can do this and making plans and the next minute I’m just a mess.
I am feeling a lot more positive tonight though but I’m worried tomorrow will be another anxious messy day. I’ll just have to deal with it when/if that happens though.

OP’s posts: |
SepticTankYank Thu 16-Jul-20 23:28:43

In memory, the morning is always the worst. If you wake up worse, don't worry. You haven't regressed. It's normal.

Give it a go part time. You could be on to a winner. At least he fucked off before you gave up your job! Silver linings.

usercryingmessno1 Thu 16-Jul-20 23:31:35

Thank you @SepticTankYank smile

OP’s posts: |
Mary1935 Fri 17-Jul-20 09:22:48

Wow user what a selfish pig he is. I’m sure looking back this is who he was. Poor boy wasn’t get the attention he needed when you needed it. That’s not fair or loving is it.
Has he behaved this way in the past. Do you know where he’s gone?
It’s a good idea to stay with your mum.
Do you own the property or rent it? If you own could you rent a room to get extra money.
When you get a job you maybe entitled to working tax credits. Look on entitled to website.
He’s cruel and needy. Best wishes to you.

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