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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please no bashing

71 replies

lalasma · 16/07/2020 19:19

I am feeling totally lost, deflated. First time posting I don't know where else to turn. have a 6 year old dd to abusive partner (doesn't work, doesn't do housework, doesn't pay bills, has had my car vandalised, the list is endless, you can imagine)I have stupidly found myself here pregnant again to him. My dd has never know a life where is isn't me who works full time and does everything for her. She also knows I am not treated very well. I can't be away from me for long periods except work as a result of this. I have a good job and am a good mum aside from allowing this to have ruled our entire lives even if it might not seem so. I have no idea why I have felt this is the treatment I deserve for the past 12 years. The cycle is awful and the longer it continues the less of a human you begin to feel. Every day is worse. I don't need anyone to make me feel worse than I already do I know how stupid I sound right now to anyone who's probably never found themselves in a situation like this. Since finding out I am pregnant again the instinct to run for our lives and never look back has never been so strong but from all that I've taken I can't help but feel like I wouldn't be enough for my children alone I feel so weak and pathetic, the thought of a life free from this gives me a warm feeling inside. I feel so lost, of course family friends hate him as we've been put through so much over the years which I don't blame them for but feel I have no where to turn. I have made terrible decisions but not with bad intentions.

OP posts:

Report

LessCumbersome · 16/07/2020 19:29

This is heartbreaking. Of course you get no judgement!! You are a victim in a nightmare. I think you sound amazing, when I was in an abusive relationship I had barely the strength to get through the day. But you are doing everything, working and taking care of your DD.

Abusive relationships tangle you up so you don't know what way is up, there are so many manipulation tactics being used they could get a job in the CIA, nasty fucking arseholes that they are.

What ar your thoughts when you look to the future?

BaseDrops · 16/07/2020 19:29

There will be more of you without him.

LouiseTrees · 16/07/2020 19:32

I bet if you went to your family and said I need out, he is as awful as you said they would help.

Ging7878 · 16/07/2020 19:33

Hi. I'm new here too. First of all I want to say that you absolutely do not deserve to be treated the way you have. He is an abuser who has ground you down, in the way that only they can. You know this already but you need to get out and away from him with your DD. As long as she has you, she will be fine. You will cope. You will be fine and most of all you will be free and happy. As you say, your DD sees the way he treats you. This is scary. She will grow up thinking this is how a man treats a woman. If I were you, I would start listing where to start on your new life. Your family and friends already know he's an abusive prick and will be so happy that your finally breaking free from him.

Ging7878 · 16/07/2020 19:35

Ps....we have all made bad decisions. I could fill a book. You always have a way to turn and there is always hope x

Bunnymumy · 16/07/2020 19:39

What would be better for her - a happy you, free from abuse OR a sad you, beaten down and deflated + an asshile who will do the same thing to her in time?

At least if you get away and set up home elsewhere, she will see that women should not stand to be treated the way he treated you. And she will have a place completely free of him to retreat too also.

Speak with womens aid (when he isnt around). Start putting a plan in place. Make sure your checks go to your own account, not a joint one.

You only get one life and your daughter, only gets one childhood. If you intend to keep the baby, make sure you are gone before it arrives or you may end up being stuck there.

You can do it you know.

RandomMess · 16/07/2020 19:42

Please trust your instinct and run. Speak to women's aid and find a way to leave.

You and DD deserve so so so much more as does the baby.

Have you decided that you definitely wish to continue with the pregnancy?

lalasma · 16/07/2020 19:46

Thank you for the kind and understanding replies. Watching a movie with dd silent tears rolling down, don't worry she has not noticed. When I think of a life just us without him I think of safety, love, hope. She saw me slapped with a book the other day and it seemed in that instant that something my head just opened up, the thought of being in the same room as him makes me extremely anxious but as mentioned above these people are manipulative, they make you believe that you are not a whole person without them in a way. Before I met him I had my job that I have worked hard for since I was young, my own flat, new car. No idea why I decided to accept this for a life. If it was my dd in this situation I'd never forgive myself. She's so pure and caring and kind.

OP posts:

rvby · 16/07/2020 19:48

Can you get an abortion?

I know that's very blunt but you say you have made so many bad decisions with good intentions. This is a chance for you to end that trend.

Regardless of whether you continue with the pregnancy. You do also have a chance right now to end this horrible situation and give your DD the grace of a few years of peaceful childhood.

Do you think you could do that for her?

You don't have to be perfect in order to love and care for your DD. But you do need to understand that choosing to keep her in this home, is akin to spitting in her face. You're setting her up for a lifetime of agony by staying.

And you have the keys to your cell sitting right there in your hand.

What can we do to make it possible for you to leave this situation? xx

RandomMess · 16/07/2020 19:48

You can do this, you can break away.

Do you own or rent?

Torvi · 16/07/2020 19:48

Does he know about the pregnancy?

lalasma · 16/07/2020 19:49

With regards to pregnancy my head seems to be speaking a foreign language but my heart says I could not get rid of it. Still doesn't make the situation any better easier.

OP posts:

lalasma · 16/07/2020 19:52

I rent it's my place. 2 years ago I made him leave the family home as things were so chaotic. I have stupidly allowed him to spend more and more time with dd at my home as he is not capable of taking care of her without supervision. He knows as of yesterday as I have been rather unwell.

OP posts:

AIMD · 16/07/2020 19:54

Oh op I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s really great you are coming to the decision that you need the relationship to end. It sounds like you do everything at the moment anyway so I imagine one you are over the initial difficulty of leaving and setting up a new home life will be better and calmer for you and your daughter:

How do you feel about the new baby?

Have you contacted a local domestic abuse charity. If not I think you should access their specialists support and start making plans to leave him. There is a national phone line and I’m sure they will connect you with the local service.

As someone else said previously I also think you should go to your family, tell them you want to leave and explicitly ask for their support.

Thinkpinkstink · 16/07/2020 19:54

Your load will be lessened without him.

The greatest trick an abuser plays is to try to ensure that there's not enough left of 'you' for you to save.

Trust me. All of 'you' is still in there, and if anything you're stronger than ever from holding everything together so long.

Find a safe way to leave. Please try.

RandomMess · 16/07/2020 19:55

I guess you need to end the relationship properly. Allow him to take DD out for a few hours at a time only and build that barrier between you and him.

Don't take it to heart if he refuses to see DD.

lalasma · 16/07/2020 19:58

I'd never intend to keep her from him if enviroment is safe ie someone there, proven to be sober/drug free. The extent of the unpredictable/chaotic lifestyle is beyond explaining and again I know that only further explains why we need this to end.

OP posts:

redastherose · 16/07/2020 19:59

It has to be your decision obviously but in your shoes I really wouldn't tie myself further to him with another child. However if you are going to have this baby then you really need to get him out of your home and life as much as possible. He is DD's father he doesn't have to see her in your home or have much contact with you other than the minimum required for shared parenting. He has recently hit you in her presence, how much more will you accept from him before you can kick him out permanently. If he doesn't live with you now then you don't have to put up with this shit anymore. It sounds like you are scared of what will happen if you stand up to him too much. Would it be worth talking to the police on 111 to let them know the situation so they can flag your house in the event that he seriously kicks off?

AIMD · 16/07/2020 20:03

In all honesty I think you should move, live with family or in a refuge temporarily if you have to, until you can find a new place. Then you could be settled in a new place by the time the new baby has arrived.

Then never let him have you new address.
If you think it is safe to have contact that can be arranged without him needing to know where you are.

lalasma · 16/07/2020 20:03

The domestic abuse unit contacted me a few times in past someone who was concerned contacted them about Claire's law. I was too scared to speak

OP posts:

AIMD · 16/07/2020 20:04

@lalasma

The domestic abuse unit contacted me a few times in past someone who was concerned contacted them about Claire's law. I was too scared to speak

Just because you didn’t talk to them then doesn’t mean you can’t now. They will have experience of people being too scared to say what is happening initially.

RandomMess · 16/07/2020 20:04

Ok it sounds like you need to refuse contact and tell him to go through the court to get supervised contact.

See it as protecting your DD because the less she sees of him the better.

lalasma · 16/07/2020 20:12

There have been countless times caught cheating, I am called a fat cow even in public the instant things are not going his way. I could go on.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 16/07/2020 20:17

Can you speak to woman's aid?

It's your home you don't have to open the door to him. What will happen if you refuse to see him?

SoulofanAggron · 16/07/2020 20:22

I can't help but feel like I wouldn't be enough for my children alone

I understand that he's made you lose faith in yourself. The reality, though, is that you're already the one doing virtually all of it, so being on your own wouldn't be any harder than having him around. In fact it'd be easier as you'll feel more relaxed etc.

If your family etc hate him that's good, there are lots of people who'll be willing to support you to get free and get on with things. xxx

Flip

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