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Toxic sister is ruining life

(11 Posts)
sabrina1234 Thu 16-Jul-20 18:44:19

Growing up me and my sister had a good relationship, we were best friends more than anything and shared everything with each other. Everything has changed in the past couple of years, ever since I got into an abusive relationship. Things started to also go downhill between me and my sister as I was spending more time with him. There were a couple times where he would go out his way to say nasty things to her which I feel so guilty for not seeing these red signs and breaking it off sooner.
we also live with an abusive father, who has been emotionally abusive to us all and physically when we were younger, however there have been times where he has hit my sister in two instances whilst we have been older : once when she swore at him and once when she pushed him.
When she moved out for university for a year, I felt at peace in my own home despite the situation with my father. Before her leaving we had a very rocky relationship- i was also at university and was training to be a nurse, therefore my schedule was pretty hectic. I would have to wake up at 5am many days to get ready and travel for work. She would get annoyed at me even though I would rush and be ready in 10 minutes. She would tell me to not do my makeup in the morning just so she could sleep. Bearing in mind she wasn't working and would only need to go into university 3 days a week, majority of the days she would stay up late and wake up late. I would come home to my makeup thrown all over the floor and wouldn't say anything because I didn't want to cause an argument. She would also barge in the room at 2:00 am and make noise while getting ready for bed which would wake me up and not be considerate at all. All the chores would be left to me to do even though I was studying as well as working. I would feel bad for my mum to do the chores as she would come back from long shifts tired as well. My sister uses the excuse that she is ill but when it came to going out with her boyfriend she would go everyday. But still refused to help with chores. Once she moved out things were okay between us but now that she's back she's been giving away gifts my ex gave me to my younger brother without asking me, putting her things in my drawers even though she has her own space and telling me to get rid of my things. I feel as though I have no privacy or control over anything in my home. Whenever I try to talk to her about anything she gets defensive and walks out the room them ignores me for weeks. Last time she ignored me she blew off my birthday to hang out with her boyfriend and the next day I still helped to move out her things and even though she was being cold towards me when I was giving her a hug and shrugging me off when she moved out, I was the only one to pick up the phone the same night when she was having issues with her accomodation and helping her to sort things out . I feel as though she has used me as a pushover for too long and I know these seem like very small issues but I feel as though at this point it is making my life hell. I am saving for a house deposit and have only recently graduated. Our plans were to move out together but I don't see that at all anymore because I know I will be the one picking up after her just like I am doing at home. She has been through her trauma and so have I with our abusive dad and my abusive ex. She knows I'm going through a hard time right now but doesn't help at all. I just don't know how to approach the situation with someone who walks out whenever I try to talk about our issues. She is 21 years old not a child anymore and I am 23, were adults but I never feel like I can have a conversation with her. I've always felt like it's my fault things are this way now because she is holding a grudge that I was with someone who was abusive and didn't leave him when he said mean things to her, I understand that and have apologised many times but I feel like she's just using it as a way to make me feel bad and let her continue walking all over me. I'm trying to see it from a different point of view. Maybe there's something I'm missing

OP’s posts: |
Shizzlestix Thu 16-Jul-20 18:49:05

Does she live with you still? If not, ignore her dramas and get on with your life. If she does, I’d look to love, she sounds horrible, quite frankly. Chucking your make up round and objecting to you getting up for work but disturbing you after a night out-all really unfair of her. She’s acting like a 12 year old and that’s frankly insulting to some 12 year olds!

sabrina1234 Thu 16-Jul-20 18:51:43

Yes sadly she's moved back in with us because of no university next year. I am trying my best to ignore things but it is really wearing down my spirit. I start my career as a nurse soon and I know there will be complaints in the morning and that she will continue to disturb my sleep. I guess I just have to be patient and carry on saving to move out.

OP’s posts: |
StuffThem Thu 16-Jul-20 18:53:41

How long until you can move out? Is it still worth the cost of living with her and your father for being able to save for the house?

sabrina1234 Thu 16-Jul-20 18:55:20

I will need to save for at least a year as I want to be a little stable as I have just left university.

OP’s posts: |
Haffdonga Thu 16-Jul-20 18:56:27

I know it's easy to say move out, but honestly, why not?

You're 23 and still sharing a room with your sister, living with an abusive father. Time to go. I'm sure you'll get on better with her when you both have space.

Haffdonga Thu 16-Jul-20 19:00:21

Share a house with other nurses? You shouldn't need to save for a year to afford a room in a shared house with a steady nursing salary coming in.

namechange12a Thu 16-Jul-20 19:01:43

OP are you two sharing a room? It sounds as though you get up at 5am (an ungodly hour) and clatter around putting on make up. Can't you do that in the bathroom? Surely you have to put the light on to do it or open the curtains. I'd be pretty annoyed with you as well.

Who is 'us'? Are you talking about your dad? He's her dad too. You seem to have created an unfair unit with her as the outsider.

Don't move in with her. Get a house share with other students and move out. It's really unhealthy living with an abusive parent so I would aim to save up and move out as soon as you can.

RandyLionandDirtyDog Thu 16-Jul-20 19:04:36

Not many 21 yr old’s are emotionally mature, because they’ve very little life experience to guide them.

It’s also quite common to go through periods in your youth where you dislike your sibling intensely and you’re not always very kind towards them. My oldest two were 2 years apart and were a nightmare in their teens and early twenties. At around their mid twenties, they matured and grew up and now they both live in London (moved there at different times) and are best buddies.

Get on with your life OP but don’t assume your relationship will always be this difficult. Give her space for now but don’t cut her out completely.

ComtesseDeSpair Thu 16-Jul-20 19:08:30

“Toxic” background notwithstanding, 23 is far too old to be at home sharing a bedroom with your sister. You’re both adults now but the dynamic means you’re still stuck in teenage sibling squabbles. Even if you generally got on, it sounds like you have wildly different schedules and lifestyles, no wonder you piss each other off with your early rising and her late nights.

A house deposit isn’t the be all and end all. It really isn’t. You’re miserable at home, your family is imploding and you’re risking your mental health. Move out into a house share. Life is too short.

Tigerty Thu 16-Jul-20 19:58:56

You and your sister have different patterns, you get up at 5am and disturb her, she comes to bed in the early hours and disturbs you. As a student my pattern changed like your sisters as I work better on an evening/night as there’s much less disturbance.

It will be difficult sharing a room where you both want & need your own personal space. You both could do with finding house shares to get away from your abusive father.

Would you be able to house share with your sister so you both have your own bedroom or is there too much water under the bridge?

If not as others say you need to find your own house share for the sake of your mental health.

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