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Performance anxiety from new partner

(19 Posts)
SweatyBetty20 Thu 16-Jul-20 11:22:19

Name change for this one.

I'm late 40s and have been seeing a divorced guy in his early 50s for the last couple of months - been intimate for about a month. We are very well suited, lots of common interests, and the first guy in years that I feel I can be myself with.

The first night he stayed I fessed up that I'd been out of the game for quite a while - I hadn't had sex in four years and thought it better that he know in case I was a bit out of practice. He then trumped me by telling me that it had been double figures for him, which left me a bit speechless, but made me feel a bit better at least.

On to DTD. It didn't really happen. I put this down to nerves from both parties, but as we've gone on, it's apparent that this is a more deep seated problem. He's been very honest, and we've had some very frank chats about it - he and his ex struggled to conceive and although they managed it eventually, it had a massive effect on their sex life, he couldn't rise to the occasion, they hadn't had sex in well over a decade, and eventually split up a couple of years ago.

I think it's more of a psychological problem than physical - he wakes up with an erection, but it goes away if I touch it or if he comes near me. If I try to manually stimulate him this works to a certain extent; there's definite movement there but not usually enough to enter me. We've managed it three or four times when he has taken a bit of chemical help, but he's gone soft or not been able to ejaculate. In fact, he's never ejaculated when with me, although says he can wank fine. Apparently he's not a massive user of porn, as he says it just makes him feel inadequate.

On the plus side, apart from the penetration issue he is really good in bed! Lots of intimacy, kissing, and he's left me extremely satisfied in all the other ways. He is desperate to sort this out. I really don't want to pressure him or make things worse, and I've let him know that it's not a deal breaker for me so far - is there anyone else who has been in a similar position that has any advice?

OP’s posts: |
MizMoonshine Thu 16-Jul-20 11:27:04

How has the chemical stimulation worked?
Has he actually sought advice from a GP or bought it from other sources?
Different medications can have different results.
It's also worth considering having him see a sex therapist. Or maybe both of you together.

You're coming at this from absolutely the right angle. Reassuring him, not pressuring him and commending everything he's doing well. Amazing job, OP. Genuinely.

SweatyBetty20 Thu 16-Jul-20 14:08:50

Well, he seems to be harder, and for longer, when he takes whatever he takes (I should ask him what it is), but I think eventually what's going on in his head takes over and he loses the moment. Not sure if he's got it from the GP or just over the counter or on the internet. I have also thought about whether he/we should speak to someone.

There definitely seems to be a mental block when I'm giving him a hand - he'll lose his erection eventually, or I'll get wanking cramp. He says that I do turn him on, and he is aroused, but can't connect me, and his penis, together, if that makes sense? it's almost like there's a connector missing.

It's early days for us but it's so long since I met someone that I thought I could progress with that I don't want to bail. Apart from anything else, he is a lovely, funny, kind person who has had a massive loss of confidence, and really deserves to be in a happy, loving, fulfilled relationship, either with me or someone else!

OP’s posts: |
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo Thu 16-Jul-20 14:12:32

If he's willing to work at it I'd stick with him....... It sounds like he'd benefit massively from seeing a sex therapist and taking the pressure of sex off the table for a while.

MizMoonshine Thu 16-Jul-20 14:29:58

You should definitely ask him about the medication that he's taking. There are options out there for him. Find out if it came from a doctor or from another source. If it's not working for him, he may need a higher dosage.

I would also suggest the sex therapist, for both of you and for him individually.

Keep doing everything you're doing, leave the pressure off him, just enjoy spending time together and the good aspects of your sex life.

namechange12a Thu 16-Jul-20 14:38:36

OP it's not going to get better. He's told you that he's been like this for decades and it's unlikely to change. If you're happy being stimulated in other ways that penetrative sex, then I'd stay with it and he seems like a nice person. If you want more of a sex life than what he can offer, I'd move on. I think the worst mistake you can make is to stay hoping it will get better.

Wherearemymarbles Thu 16-Jul-20 16:40:10

As you mentioned op there are a lot of neurological pathways involved in getting an erection and anxiety can/will fuck em up!

Sex doesnt have to include piv for either physical or emotional satisfaction so unless thats a deal breaker definitely stick with it.

He should talk to someone and see if that helps and yes, find out if he is taking proper pills - maybe change them as some men respond better to different drugs.

MissSmiley Thu 16-Jul-20 16:43:48

He needs to see his GP, I had a boyfriend with this problem and he ended up being diagnosed with a heart problem. He was about 50

MissSmiley Thu 16-Jul-20 16:43:56

He needs to see his GP, I had a boyfriend with this problem and he ended up being diagnosed with a heart problem. He was about 50

PAND0RA Thu 16-Jul-20 16:50:51

You say he’s been like this for decades and he’s “desperate to sort this out“.

Yet he’s not been to the doctor or a therapist, Which seem like the first places most people would seek help. Let’s face it, you are the one posting on MN not him.

You’ve told him it’s not a deal breaker. And his ex put up with it for more than 10 years.

Which suggest that’s he’s not that bothered about it and neither are The women his life, including you.

This is who he is. He’s in his 50s and Isn’t going to change. Accept him how he is , Accept that you are rarely if ever going to have PIV sex. Be happy with the kind of sex you do have .

Or leave.

noego Thu 16-Jul-20 16:58:44

The expectation that men of a certain age can be fully erect for ages whilst performing is a myth. Men of a certain age will get erect then soften the get erect again given the opportunity. However the expectations on men are to high IME and so they revert to the little blue pill to help and this also put pressure on to perform. Added to this the judgmental views of he's watching porn and go death grip will surface which once again is a misnomer. He isn't 18 years old and his testosterone levels have depleted somewhat. However on a physical note at his age I would advise a full check up. Testosterone levels, prostate check, blood pressure etc.
I wish women would ask themselves and indeed you do see threads on here of older women who are shit scared of getting their kit off and having sex for the first time with a new lover. When it is the other way around it is not seen or dealt with, with compassion or empathy. So well done to you OP for having an understanding of the situation.
Taking things slowly is best practice, getting used to each other and forming emotional connection. Lets be honest you're both not 21 anymore.
Connecting physically should be slowed down as well, reduce the pressure on you both, lessen the expectation (in him) Try tantric exercises to understand each others bodies and where and how you both like to be touched and pleasured. These exercises will also increase the emotional connection between you.
HTH

SweatyBetty20 Thu 16-Jul-20 17:41:01

Thanks for all the advice - definitely stuff to think about. I think in his previous relationship there was so much pressure on TTC and then the life-changing aspect of having kids that sex became less of a priority and stopped when he was unable to relate to the act being anything other than an act of procreation. He had a very stressful job at the time too, which won't have helped.

Like I said, he's very keen on sorting it out. It isn't a deal breaker for me per se, but I would like to give him as much pleasure as he gives me. It's been a while since he had a full MOT so I'll suggest that as a starting point.

@noego - you made really good points; neither of us are as young as we were and bits don't always work as they used to. He was also self conscious a bit - he's only ever had two partners, and was extremely nervous about even taking his clothes off at first. He's got a bit of a dad bod but I still totally fancy him! I think I'll suggest just laying off the PIV for a couple of weeks and completely take the pressure off him - there's plenty of other stuff that we can do to build a connection.

OP’s posts: |
noego Thu 16-Jul-20 22:31:49

Plenty of on the couch snogging with the hand up the jumper smile no getting straight down to DTD. Play with each other, tease, fumble about, go back to first base etc.
Aaaah, those days behind the bike sheds smile

StarlightLady Fri 17-Jul-20 06:33:20

For those who comment about age, l’ve been with several older men(!) who did not have difficulties.

I second those who say he should be encouraged to speak to a doctor. This will become a bigger problem as time goes on, both mentally and physically. Plus your tolerence will be reduced.

In the meantime, I suggest you both agree to go for oral only sessions, where he does not feel the oressure to perform. Good luck OP flowers

Eesha Fri 17-Jul-20 07:36:35

Op, I was with someone with a similar issue though more due to depression and he was great in other ways as well as being prescribed something like Viagra. I guess you need to weigh up what's important to you. I wasn't totally experienced at the time and it didn't me.

SweatyBetty20 Wed 22-Jul-20 08:22:39

Bit of an update - spent the weekend together so obviously had time in bed and did a lot of talking. Meds are from the chemist but only a low dose so far - he is keeping an eye on the side effects and has made an apt to see his GP. I told him to stay off the meds for the weekend just to take the pressure off.
Bit of progress actually - (possibly tmi but..) gave him two hand jobs that actually worked! We’ve never got that far before so I felt better because I didn’t feel it was all about me as much - he was able to orgasm and get pleasure too. I had said that PIV was off the table for the weekend but we got caught up in the moment after the previous progress and had a go and it kind of worked - he didn’t ejaculate but stayed hard inside me while I finished, so I do feel that although it’s a slow journey, we are actually getting somewhere.

OP’s posts: |
PAND0RA Wed 22-Jul-20 19:57:58

That’s good OP, sounds like you are very patient with him.

AnotherOldGeezer Thu 23-Jul-20 19:56:21

My experiences could be relevant

(Some very supportive and some very dismissive comments here, in my view)

I am a straight male, late 60s, VERY happily married for a long time to a woman I find overwhelmingly attractive. But I’ve still had both ED and delayed/failed ejaculation

I would say get online pharmacy-issued Sildenafil (generic Viagra) which is the drug with the highest success rate. Try 25mg at first – 100mg is the maximum, if that doesn’t work. If it’s a success, it can lift libido for both parties – just think what the opposite does if you don’t believe me

And private masturbation (not to climax) can be useful immediately prior to lovemaking to get things kick started

These are practical, self-help steps. After that I would consult the professionals

ittakes2 Fri 24-Jul-20 15:51:54

He needs to get his testosterone checked. It can be organised by the doctor but also I think places like Superdrug do mail order tests. Testosterone can decline with age and affect both erections and arousal.

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