Is this really happening?? Help!!

[mummy20169]

Hi, I am new here.
I need to share my story or I will go mad, sorry for a long post.

I'm 30, husband 33 and we have a 4 year old boy together. Together for 14 years, the only serious relationship we both ever had. Majority of our life together was focussed on our careers but we encouraged and motivated each other and it kept us closely together. Of course we had our ups and downs, often arguing about petty things. We both have good jobs, nice things and generally consider ourselves to be lucky. Until now...

To keep it as short as I can, we tried for another baby for 2 years without success. We both really wanted another child and eventually I got pregnant last December. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. That's when it all started.

I was obviously devastated, i think we both were, however he seemed to have been more upset about something else...
So, when they suspected an ectopic, the sent me straight to hospital where I went through lots of test and seen different consultants. They also advised a physical examination to which we both agreed. It was conducted by a male consultant and my husband got very upset after that. He started acting very strange, went very quite on me but I thought that he was just upset about loosing the baby. Later that night he woke me up asking how could I let another man touch my private parts, he was very angry and upset. I didn't know what to say I was so overwhelmed, I could't comprehend why this mattered so much when we just lost a pregnancy.

Anyway, fastforward 7 months and everything is different now. I have been labelled a cheat, he completely stopped any affection towards me, we sleep in separate beds, only had sex few times since then.

I am so overwhelmed with this situation, it feels like it is a nightmare which I can't wake up from. I was dreaming to have a big family for so long and now my husband became a stranger. There are few odd days that he is better, and talks to me and has a lough but most of the time he avoids me and will only have a brief chat about general things.

I tried and tried talking to him, he says he doesn't want to talk and I am only making it worse by starting a conversation. Counselling is completely out of the question at this point. I do not know what else to do, should I give him more time? Although he says that he isn't sure if he can ever get over it.

It seems such an awful reason to split up and break up our family but life is so difficult at the moment and I look after my boy 90% of the time as I am on furlough and he works. He is generally a good husband, he is intelligent and used to be very loving. I thought we were very strong together and I feel completely overwhelmed. He was always quite jeoulous of me, he thinks that literally everybody fancies me, which is of course not the case.

I guess i would like to hear your opinions on this. Sometimes I feel that being in this situation I can't think straight any more, have I really messed up or is he being unreasonable?

Thanks for reading x

[merrylittleway]

I would suggest he gets some counselling then he might understand that you did nothing wrong.
He is deluded!

[LouiseTrees]

He’s being unreasonable. Some gynaecologists are male. Stupid question but is he from a different culture (not western)? I’m trying to think what you should do and that might affect what I would suggest.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

Either he gets treatment for his frankly quite bizarre and offensive beliefs, or you leave.

This is the tip of the iceberg, I’m sure.

What would happen if you said to him ‘I had a medical procedure and lost a baby and you making this something sexual is weird in the extreme’? How would he justify it?

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

You were in a situation where your life was at risk and he’s upset that a male dr examined your ‘private parts’? You’re not his fucking property. What an absolute bastard.?

[HollowTalk]

This is really weird behaviour. If it wasn't for the fact he was always jealous I'd think he'd had some sort of mental health issue.

What would life be like if you lived separately?

[overlooker]

For the first time on here I really don’t know what to say. I’m so so sorry you are going through this. So sorry you lost the pregnancy and this absolutely bizarre behaviour from your husband. I think I’m your situation I would call time on the marriage, move out and get myself counselling to help get through it. Of course you aren’t a cheat! How horrific to be called that. He’s behaving very very badly and very unreasonably. Maybe you could see this as an opportunity that you can get away as you’ve now seen into his true personality before you have invested too many more years?
Do you have somewhere else you can go?

[TokyoSushi]

This is absolutely crazy. Is he from a different culture?

When I had DS I tore in pretty much every direction, DH sat with me while an amazing man stitched me back together for over 2 hours. Of course it was absolutely fine and we were very grateful. It's a medical procedure, and about as far from an affair as it's possible to get!

[blackcat86]

He's ridiculous. I would be livid if I was you and I hope that you make your disgust known. He has sexualised your ectopic pregnancy and pregnancy loss, he thinks you cheated because you let a male doctor examine you (is he suggesting you enjoyed this?), he is now using this to emotionally abuse and blame you. Sorry but that is a red card situation for me. If he felt so strongly that the examination was becoming sexual then why didn't he come to your aid whilst you were vulnerable? If doesn't sound like he's supported you at all. Instead he has stropped, sulked and made it all about him!! What an awful man. At the very least he needs to move out to work on himself and give you space until such time as he act like a normal human being if he ever does. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[LessCumbersome]

This is awful for you. To lose the pregnancy in that way and then to lose the affection and respect of your husband when you did absolutely nothing to deserve it. The opposite in fact.

He abandoned you and the relationship when you needed him more than you ever have. Did he normally meet your needs when you felt needy/vulnerable or has he always backed away? I'm wondering if this is part of it, that he is looking for an excuse not to support you as he is unable to do this?

I think this marriage is over, how can you trust that he will be there for you when you are struggling.

This is very , very sad and I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[EKGEMS]

Holy mother of God what the fuck? He needs a damn psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge! Your life was at risk and he's angry it was a male who examined you? He sounds lesser evolved than a baboon

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
You met him when you were 19 and had no real life experience behind
you.

The man who you thought he was is an act and one he could never maintain in the long run, what you are seeing now is who he has likely always been.

This from him re your ectopic pregnancy is unforgiveable and is likely also another form of his jealous nature; this being a red flag. Where is your own line here to leave him if not this?.

Such insecurity is rooted in abuse and he I would think has been and certainly remains controlling towards you. He regards you I think as his property and he wants to keep you controlled and trapped in a cage of his own paranoid making. Also I note he is doing the tactic of refusing to talk and causing blue murder if you as much try and raise the issues even calmly. He therefore gets away with it all the other horrible things he was doing because you were not allowed to talk about it.

Do not let this model of a relationship become your child's norm.

[hellsbellsmelons]

he is intelligent
No he is NOT!!!
He has no intelligence at all if the thinks having a medical procedure, performed by a qualified professional is cheating.
This is bad OP. In many many ways.
Do you have family you could talk to about this?
Basically this is over.
He's never going to think rationally about it so it's time get out before he ruins you completely.
Don't accept this shitty, truly poor behaviour.
Do you have somewhere you could go for a while?
You need some space away from his paranoia and frankly, insane-ness!!!
I's so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry your DH is such a cunt.
But I think you know what you need to do!

[Honeyroar]

What disgusting behaviour from him. How stupid, unsupportive and pointless can a man get! I don’t know how you come back from this. He needs serious counselling. If he won’t even talk about this then you should leave. A man with a small minded, stupid attitude like this should not be raising children.

[Laserbird16]

I wonder if you're a bit blind to your husband's behaviour. You mention he's always been jealous...what does that really mean? Is he negative when you get dressed up etc?

I wonder if this blatant display of ridiculous jealousy over a doctor providing life saving medical treatment is making it clear that your husband has a massive problem.

To be honest I'd be angry. How dare he make your loss of a pregnancy and dangerous health problem about his fragile ego.

If he won't get help or even acknowledge there is something deeply wrong with his perception of this situation I don't see what options you have left. You cannot fix him, that is his work to do.

[IJustWantSomeBees]

This is beyond abusive and outrageous. As a PP said, how dare he sexualise your need for medical attention and make a pregnancy loss all about himself!

I don't like to jump to LTB, OP, but he sounds like an extremely unhinged man and I'm concerned about your emotional wellbeing living with him...

[notapizzaeater]

He's being a dick! Would he have rather you died ?

[frazzledasarock]

You said he seemed to be more upset by something else. Was this before or after you were examined by a male doctor?

He is abusive, waking someone in the middle of the night to argue at them is a classic abusive behaviour.

Under normal circumstances I always request a woman, however in emergencies anyone with expertise is needed as the matter at hand needs to be urgently resolved.

I would consult a solicitor and get divorced, this isn't going to get better, he doesn't want to talk about it except to use it as a reason to accuse you of adultery? WTF ectopic pregnancies can result in the mother dying.
He is cold and uncaring towards you except when he wants sex on ocassion.
You don't even sleep in the same bed.
You barely speak to eachother.

This is no life. Tell your family and friends, get a shit hot lawyer and leave.

Are you sure he hasn't got someone else himself but wants to paint you as the cheater to exit the relationship with his halo in tact?

[AnyFucker]

He is fucking around himself. I would bet my house on it.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Your husband is most definitely not intelligent.

Time to tell him to get help or you'll be gone.

Don't put up with this ridiculous nonsense for a moment longer.

[Lipz]

What on earth have I just read who even thinks like this ?! You already have a child so he knows you have to be examined. I'm actually really shocked that he is thinking like this. Absolute weirdo. I'd be telling him that there are times in life when women need an examination and we're in a world where men are doctors too and to get a grip and sick his strange beliefs up where the sun don't shine. He is punishing you for something beyond your control, he should be minding you and taking care of you and showing you love and making sure you're alright.

[cosmo30]

All I can say to that is wtf!! This is not okay.

[Dery]

You are not being unreasonable. Your H's behaviour is outrageous and disgusting. These are the actions of a man with abusive tendencies. You mention that you have often argued about petty things and that your H has jealous tendencies. I'm wondering if there's been something more sinister lurking there all along. Has he tended to be controlling? Sulky and difficult when you didn't do what he wanted and so forth?

He may be the only man you've ever known romantically. Most of us posters have known a fair few men romantically and can confirm that this is not how decent men behave. Furthermore, he's happy to let his shitty way of thinking destroy your marriage rather than do anything about it.

It sounds like you have worked throughout so have the means to get away from him easily if that's what you want to do. That's great.

In your shoes, I would be giving him an ultimatum: either he gets his nasty way of thinking sorted out or you will leave him. Unless he has abusive tendencies generally (which sounds like it may be possible), in which case, for your own safety, don't discuss it with him: just make plans to leave and get whatever support you need IRL and on here to do so.

[BlankTimes]

So sorry for you OP

Does he not know male doctors are involved in every aspect of female healthcare?

Show him this photo to illustrate the proportion of male influence in womens' healthcare.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3969367-Something-s-missing-from-this-photo

Can you get your GP to speak to him about his twisted neanderthal beliefs?

[frazzledasarock]

@AnyFucker

He is fucking around himself. I would bet my house on it.

Yep this.

[Rumtopf]

I'd put money on either him cheating or having a deep seated issue about about someone in authority touching him and his genitalia and possible abuse.

What you're describing OP is not acceptable at all. I'd either want him to go for counselling or I'd leave. I'm very sorry for your loss.