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Am I being selfish?

(21 Posts)
Danimuso87 Thu 16-Jul-20 00:32:45

I’ve been with my bf now for some time and early on in the relationship he dropped a bomb shell that he was was expecting a child from a one off hook up with an ex. He already had a daughter from a previous relationship which I was totally fine with, the hook up pregnancy was an accident and the mum to be wanted to keep the baby. Initially I had to think long and hard about the situation but I stayed as he isn’t a bad person and it was genuinely a mistake. He had no intention of being with the mum of the second child. Since the baby has been born during lockdown I’ve found it extremely hard to deal with, more so than I thought. Lockdown of course didn’t help as he also wasn’t able to see his son. However, the mum spends a lot of time with his family arranging walks out, lunch at his parents house every week etc. She has recently grown close with his sister and it’s made me feel extremely outcast. I’ve built an amazing relationship with his little girl but I’m yet to meet his new son. I just feel so uneasy about the whole thing. It feels like the mum is purposely going out of her way to get her foot in the door with his family as much as possible. I would never stop him from seeing his son but I’m beginning to not enjoy him spending so much time with the mum too, I wish he would just be allowed to have him on his own for a day so my bf can spend time with his son and his family. Not his son, family and the mother of the child, whilst I’m sat at home twiddling my thumbs. I’ve mentioned my concerns to my bf and he understands but I think if I keep pushing it he’ll soon be annoyed that I’m finding it so hard. Am I being selfish? I can’t tell... It’s just all been a bit harder to swallow than I initially thought or anticipated I think... any advice would be gratefully received!

OP’s posts: |
rvby Thu 16-Jul-20 01:09:12

I'm a very liberal person when it comes to relationships. However, the fact that you arent included in the family outings with the new baby, clearly indicates your position in your boyfriend's life at the moment.

Not sure you are going to get what you are looking for in this situation. I'd walk, really. Very complicated and how does it benefit you?

Crystalspider Thu 16-Jul-20 01:31:54

This is very difficult for you, the baby is a newborn so needs to be with the mum so it will be some time before your partner spends time alone with him. It's not selfish but very difficult to for you to watch your bf and his ex raise a newborn without you, I don't think anyone would want this in their relationship. I guess she just got pregnant before you got together?
If so you haven't been together that long and don't feel bad about ending it if it's too much, I don't think many women could easily accept this.

PheasantPlucker1 Thu 16-Jul-20 01:38:01

How long have you actually been with him?
A few months? Its way too soon to be demanding a woman leaves her newborn baby with you.

She is a part of his family now, and he will have to be heavily involved while the child is so young.

Maxi54 Thu 16-Jul-20 03:47:42

Over 20 years ago I met a guy behind my husband’s back. There was no sexual affair but I told my husband about this. He has never forgiven me and brings it up in arguments, but I suppose I can’t blame him. Anyway I go to a large gym several times a week and worked out with male pt and pt male friend a couple of days ago. I told my H 2 days later and he hit the roof accusing me of cheating wanting attention wanting compliments etc etc. H is so jealous of me and then starts crying saying he’s insecure. He’s threatened to go to gym and tell pt to keep away from me. I have no interest in an affair which I told my H. I just have had enough.H is hardworking and puts his family first but I just have had enough. Am I selfish for wanting to leave him? He calls me selfish every day.

whiteblue Thu 16-Jul-20 04:00:23

@Maxi54
You need to start your own thread.
This thread is about a different subject.

AlwaysCheddar Thu 16-Jul-20 06:52:52

Op - how long have you been with him?

helpmum2003 Thu 16-Jul-20 06:56:11

OP personally I would end this relationship. Your BF has a complicated personal life and it will be a problem permanently.

BillywilliamV Thu 16-Jul-20 06:59:43

He needs to be concentrating on his children.
Walk away from this one OP.

user1493413286 Thu 16-Jul-20 07:03:29

To be honest this sounds like a lot of hard work; I can appreciate how you feel but it’s hard enough being with someone who has one child with an ex so to add two different mums into the mix would just be too much for me. I also don’t think the mum of the baby can be blamed for not wanting to just hand her newborn baby over and it’s obviously the only way his family can see the baby; with my first I wasn’t away from her until she was about 3/4 months and that was for an hour, it took a long time for me to be comfortable leaving her for long.
Also just to put a different perspective on it about his family - they may realise that it’s in their interest to develop a good relationship with this woman so that they are able to maintain a relationship with the baby even if she falls out with your DP. My DHs family have always tried to do this with DSDs mum and it’s helped when there’s been tension between DH and DSDs mum.
In all honesty I think it’s going to be quite a while until this gets much better and you have to accept that this woman will impact your life for as long as you’re with your DP.

Tlollj Thu 16-Jul-20 07:04:52

You can’t have been with him that long. If the baby was already in the way when you two met.
He needs to spend time with his two(!) children, and if the baby is young then that will include his ex for the time being.
Put up with it or split up. You can’t ask to be included yet too soon

FlaskMaster Thu 16-Jul-20 07:08:36

The mum is doing what's best for the baby, and so is he. That's great but really hard for you, and for a relationship of only a couple of months? I'd nope out of this one tbh.

Menora Thu 16-Jul-20 07:17:44

It’s a newborn baby it’s very unlikely she’s going to hand him over to anyone for a little while, this is not abnormal at all.

Secondly and I mean this kindly
Who do you think needs support right now from his family?

1. Someone bored at home twiddling thumbs feeling left out
2. A woman who has just given birth to her first child as a lone parent in lockdown

Come on... I think you are being impatient and unreasonable here. She’s clearly going to need the support right now and it sounds like he has a lovely family and when you have your own child you will probably understand this situation a lot more than you do right now

You were not really prepared for this I don’t think, you clearly assumed baby would come along and slot in with your new little set up of you and your DP, but that was not going to happen. I think you will struggle to find this something you can manage and yeah, I would walk away. But if you stay, I think you need to be a lot more patient and try to see things more objectively.

footprintsintheslow Thu 16-Jul-20 07:20:37

I would cut and run for your own sanity. He'll never have any money or time as he'll be supporting two children before you even think of your own. And not two children with one mum. Two children and two mums to juggle.

It's over complicated too soon. Run whilst you still can.

Delbelleber Thu 16-Jul-20 07:21:15

I've recently had a lockdown baby with my ex and if he got a new girlfriend that wanted me to leave my baby without me there I would be furious and think she was an unreasonable selfish bitch.
However I can see how you would feel jealous of their relationship but the fact is they are no longer together and there will be a good reason for that. He's moved on now and he's with you. Let him spend time with his baby and if things work out between you you will have your chance to bond with the baby. The mum will be feeling very protective of her baby right now so I would just back off abit from that and try not to dwell on the jealous feelings. Try to keep busy while the boyfriend is seeing the baby then when you see each other after you both have something to talk about.

funinthesun19 Thu 16-Jul-20 10:49:01

As the saying goes:
Do things now that your future self will thank you for.

Don’t waste your life trying to be happy in this mess. I’ll probably get shot for this, but I actually think he’s unreasonable for thinking he’s relationship material right now. He chose to have a fling which resulted in a baby and now he’s trying to have the best of both worlds. It’s not fair on any woman who he puts this on to.

TwentyViginti Thu 16-Jul-20 10:56:14

Too messy. You'd be wise to end this.

Itsjustabitofbanter Thu 16-Jul-20 10:58:32

I think you need to get out now op if this if how you’re feeling already. He was upfront and honest with you and you kind of knew what you were getting into. It’s completely understandable that you feel the way you do, but at the same time your expectations are completely unreasonable. This girl is a single mother, your oh has no intention of being with her, so it’s understandable that she’s reaching out to his family for help and support. She’s not ‘trying to get her foot it the door’ to compete with you. She’s just trying to lay down strong foundations and build up relationships for the sake of her new child. And yabvvu if you think she should be handing her newborn baby over to you and your boyfriend to be a ‘family’. I’m not too sure what you even mean by that. Even though they are not together, this girl and their baby are part of his family now, as well as his parents/siblings/extended family that she’s now spending time with. You and your new boyfriend are not a family

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 16-Jul-20 11:01:12

You either haven’t been together long or the “hook up” happened after you'd got together so I’d cut and run. Of course she won’t want to be away from her baby, it’s still teeny tiny. Neither you nor your boyfriend is in the wrong but it’s too complicated and messy and life will be easier with someone who doesn’t already have two kids with two different women. Can you imagine the logistical nightmare of Christmas in 5 months? He’ll want to be with his baby if she’ll let him, where does that leave you?

GreyTS Thu 16-Jul-20 20:41:21

Tbh I think he's the selfish one, he shouldnt be involved in a relationship right now, his life is too complicated and he cannot give you the time and attention you want and deserve. This is half a life op find someone single and free, enjoy being in love and having time only for each other I til you start your own family. It's not selfish to want and need this, it's normal and you'll never have him 100% because rightly his time and money is spent elsewhere

GreyTS Thu 16-Jul-20 20:41:32

Tbh I think he's the selfish one, he shouldnt be involved in a relationship right now, his life is too complicated and he cannot give you the time and attention you want and deserve. This is half a life op find someone single and free, enjoy being in love and having time only for each other I til you start your own family. It's not selfish to want and need this, it's normal and you'll never have him 100% because rightly his time and money is spent elsewhere

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