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Why does a woman take her kids and leave?

(70 Posts)
Itsallpointless Wed 15-Jul-20 22:41:04

Just that really. I'm thinking back over a past relationship. His wife had left with their DC, renting a property while he stayed in the marital home.

There's no way I'd have left the marital home, I'm thinking it must've been very bad for her to do that? There were lots of questions never answered, he was very secretive and, in the end, very deceitful.

OP’s posts: |
JulyBreeze Wed 15-Jul-20 22:44:01

I'd say your conclusions are very very likely to be correct, especially combined with what you say about your experience of him.

A woman leaving a man most often = abuse. Not 100% of the time maybe, but mainly.

YesItsMeIDontCare Wed 15-Jul-20 22:45:24

Because he was emotionally and financially abusive and I had to get the fuck outta there.

DirectTalker Wed 15-Jul-20 22:46:31

Mine left suddenly fairly recently taking the kids (battling to see them currently). Her dad died, so bit of a sweeping statement to say it's normally 'abuse' surely?

Ivebeenthinkingtoomuch Wed 15-Jul-20 22:47:28

I’m leaving the marital home, I can’t afford to run it and we live next door to his mum so no way am I staying here.
However this is no secret and everyone is aware why I’m leaving the house, so there may be something more to yours.

Lockdownseperation Wed 15-Jul-20 22:49:17

There could be a number of reasons but my biggest question would be why did he not then offer to move out of the marital home for the sake of the kids. Have you asked him this?

DarkHelmet Wed 15-Jul-20 22:56:33

Because he was abusive - emotionally, mentally, financially.
Because hie smashed things up in front of my DC.
Because he cheated on me.
Because (and MOST importantly) he laid hands on my DS (his step son).
He wouldn't leave, so we did.

Chloemol Wed 15-Jul-20 22:59:31

But if he wouldn’t leave what choice would she have?

SandyY2K Wed 15-Jul-20 23:00:49

A woman leaving a man most often = abuse. Not 100% of the time maybe, but mainly.

This is such a generalised incorrect statement. Relationships end and women leave for many reasons other than abuse.

By this reckoning your saying nearly all the relationships where a woman leaves are as a result of abuse....

AlexaShutUp Wed 15-Jul-20 23:04:47

My friend left her husband and the marital home, taking her kids with her. He was controlling, abusive and very volatile and she didn't think it would be safe any other way. She planned it for weeks, sorted everything out secretly and then left.

mamascorpio Wed 15-Jul-20 23:06:26

Because he battered me.

DirectTalker Wed 15-Jul-20 23:07:03

I can answer that one, as I'm in that situation.

It is staggering how many mums use the kids to acquire the house with spousal support, then deny access to the father. MN is a bubble where you won't see it happen often, but believe me, there are as many bad women around as bad men!

It is a recognised form of child abuse to do it.

Marpan Wed 15-Jul-20 23:08:00

Maybe he won’t leave the house

copperoliver Wed 15-Jul-20 23:11:19

Maybe she just wanted to get away or it was his property before they met and she didn't want to fight with him over it as if it was his before he would fight harder to keep it and more street for her. X

FusionChefGeoff Wed 15-Jul-20 23:24:48

My friend did it because her DH was clinically depressed, suicidal and refused to leave / get help.

SRS29 Wed 15-Jul-20 23:32:45

what a strange OP hmm

overlooker Thu 16-Jul-20 04:14:03

My friend left her husband this way. She had no choice. He was verbally abusing her. Screaming at her in front of the kids

sofato5miles Thu 16-Jul-20 04:19:58

Are you wondering if you missed that red flag? It is a pretry big one

Jjjjjj1981 Thu 16-Jul-20 04:36:56

Because I was so utterly miserable I just couldn’t go on. He would never have left

Needtogetbackinthesack Thu 16-Jul-20 04:54:42

Because he was emotionally abusive, occasionally violent, controlling, a drug user and porn addict. Before things got intolerable (and by intolerable I mean social services told me I had to leave by my own accord or they'd intervene to protect the kids) I had discussed divorce with him and because it was a big house and him a high earned v me being a sahm he refused to leave. Wouldn't even enter a discussion about separating or being amicable about splitting everything, as far as he was concerned it was his and I wasn't getting a penny.

So I packed my bags and ran while he was working away. I do think that in lots of cases the woman leaving with the kids is a red flag, even if there is no abuse it's pretty unreasonable to expect the one with the kids to leave the family home in most cases.

frazzledasarock Thu 16-Jul-20 04:59:39

DirectTalker

I can answer that one, as I'm in that situation.

It is staggering how many mums use the kids to acquire the house with spousal support, then deny access to the father. MN is a bubble where you won't see it happen often, but believe me, there are as many bad women around as bad men!

It is a recognised form of child abuse to do it.

Are you very wealthy? Because that’s not my experience of the family courts. None of the women I know who left the marital home got spousal maintenance or the former marital home. Most ended up either living with friends or family and penniless or got places in refuges or social housing because they were fleeing abuse

I’d say she left because life became untenable and he wouldn’t leave.

My friends who left with their children (and in one case without) were fleeing severe domestic abuse.
In all the cases I personally know of, non claimed CMS as their ex would have ramped up the abuse and they all had to start again financially. Was horrific for them all.

londonscalling Thu 16-Jul-20 05:19:35

Maybe she just wanted a fresh start in a house without all the memories? Or maybe she had an affair and left?

rumblingtumtum Thu 16-Jul-20 05:31:13

This happened in the situation of a close friend of mine.
But the situation was, she had an affair and decided to end the marriage. He moved out of the marital home for a few weeks to give her space obviously. He then decided why should he move out when she had the affair, so he moved back and slept in the sofa. So then she said she'd move out with the kids because she could claim benefits to help with rent. So she moved out into a much nicer rented house claiming all the benefits she can for a single parent, yet HE has the kids way more than half the week as she now wants the social life of a single person (the guy she left for cheated on her ironically ) . She's since begged the ex to give their marriage another go but he's moved on.

So it's not always abuse. Why should the man leave it's not always their choice ?

If he'd had the affair then fair enough but it was her who did that .

MynameisHappind Thu 16-Jul-20 05:34:12

Do you think all men leave peacefully and decently if told this is not working out? 😂

rumblingtumtum Thu 16-Jul-20 05:41:26

But why should it always be expected the man that leaves if it's not working out? If the both have same earning potential and they both want full involvement with the children and there's no abuse, surely whoever decides to end the relationship should be the one to go?

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