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Thoughts about getting back with my ex?

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Miamia8 Wed 15-Jul-20 20:29:14

Hi everyone! I have a problem right now and I could really use some advice from an outsiders perspective. For context I'm a 20 year old female and my ex boyfriend is a 21 year old male.

So, 2 years ago in April me and him got together after realising that we both had feelings for each other. I remember that, at the time I was dealing with depression and anxiety, and I had previously comforted in him with these feelings and he had helped me a lot. I recall being really happy when he told me he felt the same romantically towards me, but my anxiety was telling me that he just felt pity for me and thought doing this would cheer me up.

So, I brought this fear up to him a few days into the relationship and he told me that he would never, that he genuinely loves me. I never believed it at all though and continued to have depressing thoughts and anxiety, I made us take several breaks during the relationship and a week didn't go by where I wasn't upset. He tried really hard to comfort me, stopping whatever he was doing to try help but I was so focused on myself that I didn't care to think about how this was affecting him.

We were so young at that time and he was just scared and didn't know how to deal with it. I was put in a similar situation afterwards with a suicidal friend and it was the scariest time of my life, and after everything was thankfully resolved in the end and nobody was hurt, I realised just how awful he must have felt.

We dated for around 5 months before he came to me one day and told me that something extremely awful came up and he needed to move back to another country where his Mother lived to take care of her. He said that right now he didn't feel like being in a relationship and maybe, in the future, when everything is better we will get back together, but right now he has to put all of his attention towards his mother.

I remember being really shocked at this and depressed for days, being selfish again and only thinking of myself. I saw him off at the airport, but after I got home I had a breakdown and blocked him on everything. Our mutual friend contacted me and told me to please unblock him because he's scared but I left it and didn't reply for a few days until I ended up telling my mother about what happened. She told me to unblock him, let her talk to him on the phone and she will set up for me to start seeing a therapist.

She talked to him on the phone for a bit I remember and then we talked, I remember being upset still and telling him something like, I don't want to talk to you. So we ended the call and for the time, he wouldn't message until I messaged first, which I rarely did.

For the next entire year of 2019, we talked around 5 times, which were all very awkward. But also for the entire year, I was getting therapy, was on medication and making serious improvements in myself.

At the end of 2019, I was no longer extremely depressed and had not had suicidal thoughts for months. My anxiety had settled really well. I had become more confident and have a better outcome on life. I didn't make this change just for my ex, I made it because I saw how my behaviour was affecting everyone else around me, my friends but most importantly my mother and sister, who were heartbroken when they found out I was depressed. I feel like, I have really changed. I'm still in therapy and working on myself, and things are going amazing.

At the end of 2019, I messaged my ex again and told him that I'd like to start talking again if he didn't mind/wanted to as well, and he did. Ever since then, we've been talking a lot and trying to message each other every day. Things were really awkward at first of course, but over time we became more comfortable, way more comfortable than when we were dating. We call a lot to hear each other's voices as long distance is hard, and I find that I still have strong feelings for him.

The issue is, over the year we didn't talk much, he changed as well, in a good way. He used to be a bit of a loner in person and didn't really like talking to people, but now he has a big friend group and is really popular. I was really happy, and do feel really happy when he sends photos of him and all his friends hanging out, but the issue is just that I don't know if pursuing a relationship is good/what he wants. I haven't asked him about if he still has feelings for me and I really don't know. But our conversations are really good, we talk on FaceTime for hours and have a ton in common.

A mutual friend of ours, and somebody that knows him in person right now, told me that he's really close to a girl and that the girl is interested in him. It sounds so stupid to say but, the girl is stunning and she told me that they have good chemistry, and she suspects that he is interested in her but he hasn't said so, but, I don't know.

I know the right thing to do is just to ask him if he's still interested but I'm nervous, it brings back my anxiety a bit. I just like him so much that I don't know if I could handle a rejection. I've never dealt with it before and from what I've heard from friends, it is one of the most emotionally painful things to happen.

I thought to note that, next year he is moving back here.

I just don't know what to do. Any advice is really appreciated!

OP’s posts: |
Crystalspider Wed 15-Jul-20 20:40:19

My advice would be to just be friends for now, try and not get too involved romantically again as your heart could get broken, he's young and while he's away with other young women around him, he's probably going to live his life there!
Until he's back in this country don't hold out too much hope and carry on with your life, date other guys and if he comes back and your both single then think about it.

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