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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How would you approach this subject..

15 replies

Whateverittakes18 · 14/07/2020 22:35

Currently have an interim child arrangement order, exp was emotionally abusive to dd in the past, she is 18 months, so contact is currently supported. For during the past 5 contacts dd has come back dehydrated, this has been raised with ex by myself and solicitor. The last contact dd came back dehydrated and she had completely soaked through her clothes with sweat as ex hadn't checked her temperature as the day got warmer. Along with this dd now won't get into a car as she thinks I'm taking her to see ex and gets upset when we go to the park as this is where we meet him for handover's.

Once again I'm going to have to raise this with exp, I've already spoken to dd gp and health advisor. But how to I approach it again without being, well basically going on the attack, I just want him to sort himself out so dd isn't so distressed. Contact started 2 months ago and especially as the duration of contact gets longer I want to make sure she is ok.

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Elieza · 14/07/2020 23:00

He seems to have had chances to look after her and failed.

Do you really want him messing up again? He’s upsetting her.

Perhaps he needs to see her in an environment where he can get support to care for her as he seems like a right idiot. Is his mum nice, would that be an option?

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Whateverittakes18 · 14/07/2020 23:23

@Elieza, no she isn't just as toxic as he is and is actually supporting contact. Problem is if it wasn't for that fact this has been ordered by a judge I would stop it from continuing. Ex has done some hideous things to dd in the past.

Also worries me that after 2 months of contact every week dd cries when she sees him and doesn't even wave goodbye. Last visit a friend dd rarely sees went to collect her, dd arrived crying and went straight into df arms. Then got handed back to ex and dd screamed to go back to df, lunged towards her and all caught on camera.

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Justcallmebebes · 14/07/2020 23:47

I'm sorry you and especially your DD are going through this. If it were me, court order or not, i wouldn't comply and in the interim seek a readjustment to the order seeking supervised contact, supervised by a neutral party. No overnights. Your baby only has you to protect her and you have to listen to your instincts. Good luck

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MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 14/07/2020 23:50

Christ she sounds traumatised by him. Can you try to go back to court for contact centre visit only? Does the court know everything he has done to her.

He wont sort himself out, BecUse this is the Piece of shit he is.

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Adviceneeded2020 · 15/07/2020 00:27

I can't offer any legal advice but I'd think carefully about stopping unsupervised contact. You've raised the dehydration and yet last visit she came back dehydrated again. Can you not get an urgent meeting with the solicitor to demand contact. Do you know what would happen if you just said no? Would he continue to fight you or would he lose interest?

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mellowww · 15/07/2020 07:09

[quote Whateverittakes18]@Elieza, no she isn't just as toxic as he is and is actually supporting contact. Problem is if it wasn't for that fact this has been ordered by a judge I would stop it from continuing. Ex has done some hideous things to dd in the past.

Also worries me that after 2 months of contact every week dd cries when she sees him and doesn't even wave goodbye. Last visit a friend dd rarely sees went to collect her, dd arrived crying and went straight into df arms. Then got handed back to ex and dd screamed to go back to df, lunged towards her and all caught on camera.[/quote]
I agree with justcallmebebes - court order or not, NO WAY would I be leaving her with him.

She's extremely distressed, scared of him, there's a history of him abusing her emotionally and he clearly isn't capable of looking after her simple physical needs such as hydration?

No way. Your poor little girl. She is totally vulnerable and powerless. She's trying to tell you how awful this is for her. Please call your solicitor today and stop this contact until it can be reviewed.

Sorry - I rarely am so extreme in my advice, but you cannot allow this. You are totally within your rights to stop it. Please don't worry about that. Parental contact is supposed to be for the child's wellbeing. This isn't doing her any good and is actually potentially harmful.

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Cismyfatarse1 · 15/07/2020 09:51

Can you delay things by saying she has a temperature / cough to allow you to get things sorted?

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Iloveme30 · 15/07/2020 10:33

O no that sounds horrendous for you and your dd . Court order or not file for it to be supervised access immediately and until then he doesn't get her . He's damaging her you must protect her you also have the camera evidence for when the case comes before the court .
Be super strong you can do this ❤️

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Whateverittakes18 · 15/07/2020 11:18

@Adviceneeded2020 oh he loves a fight, loves them and even more so against me to prove that he is always right, ALWAYS. My solicitor has already written re dehydration but I've emailed this morning about changing from support by his family to supervised.

@Justcallmebebes, @mellowww, @MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood.. I really do believe she is traumatised by being with him, I don't know what he is doing with dd but she is clearly distressed. She has had a good 20 hours contact with him and yet she would still rather go to someone who she sees less frequently. The thought of just stopping contact has definitely been in my mind and if no one is going to do a damn thing then I'll have to. @Iloveme30 I'll definitely be looking for supervised, if not I'm just going to just not send her.

@Cismyfatarse, this has also crossed my mind. If I go for covid I could at least buy myself 14days.

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Elieza · 15/07/2020 14:56

That’s great OP. I’d actually mistakenly thought you wanted him to see her as it was court ordered so you didn’t want to stop that, but only letting him see her while supervised by professionals sounds so much better.

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mellowww · 15/07/2020 15:38

Yes for now say you can't taste or smell and have a new persistent cough ....... and soin it out for the next 20 years!! :(

Certainly do it for now. And in that 14 days, try v v gently to get an idea from DD why she doesn't want to go.

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Whateverittakes18 · 15/07/2020 17:16

@mellowww I'd much rather he sort himself out or get out of our lives to be honest. And can't get an idea from dd why she doesn't want to go as she is 18 months old, and where she was previously saying about 15 words this has now gone down to three.. no, mum, dog and even dog isn't as clear anymore.

It's what makes it all so difficult, the emotionally abusive stuff I witness before so was able to document, report etc it all. Ended up with children services who felt I was protecting DD. Problem now is obviously I'm not there to witness anything, apart from her behaviour after and the dehydration/any physical harm. Why dd is distressed and clearly doesn't want to be around her dad I do not know.

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Whateverittakes18 · 15/07/2020 17:17

@Elieza no definitely not, but I don't want to get on the wrong side of the judge either. But if no one will do anything it may come to that.

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mellowww · 16/07/2020 04:40

@mellowww I'd much rather he sort himself out or get out of our lives to be honest. And can't get an idea from dd why she doesn't want to go as she is 18 months old, and where she was previously saying about 15 words this has now gone down to three.. no, mum, dog and even dog isn't as clear anymore.

This. She's too upset to talk. You must immediately stop all contact with him. Tell child services. Yes get him out of her life.

Bless you both 💐