Hi,
My OH and I have been together over 10 years and have three young children 7,6,4. Our youngest was unexpected and tbh, great as he is, it was financially devastating. The cost of childcare meant my OH had to give up work and we went from having two reasonable jobs with manageable debt to scraping by on one wage with unmanageable debts (we have now got our finances on track - ie we can pay our bills but not much else). My OH now works evenings PT to bring in a little extra money (which we rely on). We don't have family who can, or do, help with childcare even for occasional babysitting
The result has been a slow grind down for the both of us. My own mood has been flat - I literally go to work and do nothing else. I haven't been out at all for 4 years and have said each year that I'll do something for my birthday but haven't managed it yet - the same will happen again this year. Not that birthdays matter all that much but it's just the slow grind of never having a night out. We haven't been out together for over 4 years. She occasionally - every couple of months - goes out with her friends and I don't begrudge her that. I, by this stage. haven't got any friends left because it's been that long since I've been out.
So that's the background. We basically exist and have little time or money to do anything together. I'm less concerned about what I don't get to do than the impact on our relationship. Over the course of the years my OH has become largely disinterested in. There is zero affection - I was tbf always the more affectionate one but she did bring some and was at receptive. But over the last few years she tended to respond more with irritation to attempts to be affectionate to the point where I don't do it now at all because it isn't well received.
If I do remind her about a kiss goodbye for example she will do it but will roll her eyes at me. Most of the time she seems disinterested in me (tbf I can't argue, my life is pretty boring) or just irritated. However, this doesn't extend to other people where she can be engaging and responsive. Which pretty clearly says it's a problem with me.
Our sex life has also suffered. It's not the sex itself that concerns me, more than the lack of intimacy. She will respond if I initiate (she hasn't initiated it again for years) but it is very much going through the motions and sex seems like something I do to her rather than with her. She joked a while back about my routine in sex - which tbf again it is but mostly because I'm the only one active. Again, it's not really the sex but what it says about her interest - ie. that there isn't any. I used to have a high sex drive but I don't tend to bother very often because who really wants to have sex with someone who seems like they aren't into it. I think when I do initiate it, I'm hoping for a connection and just end up feeling rejected by the lack of her involvement.
I have tried to discuss all of this with her many times over the years but she is not a talker when it comes to anything uncomfortable and she tends to close discussion down quickly. I'm very sure I'm a definite part of the dynamic in why things have gone wrong (it's a relationship after all) but I am at least open to talking about and she isn't. It's hard then to know what to change.
I have tried letting her know about my emotional needs (for affection and some intimacy)but it does not result in any changes.
I have asked her if she still loves me which she will either say yes without being willing to discuss further or will simply say "I'm still here aren't I?" which isn't that convincing tbh.
I am planning on having the discussion with her on her night off this week (I know it hardly seems fair but...) there is the added issue that even if we agree that ultimately it's over, we are only just managing financially there is no way we can afford to split. I have nowhere else to go and nor does she. We will end up having to go on living together regardless for the foreseeable and I've no idea if it's better to do that split or just muddling on as we are.
I don't really know what I'm asking for here really, it is what it is, but I just wanted to get someone else's perspectives before I make any decisions.
(apologies for the essay)
Thanks
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Relationships
OH doesn't love me but financially stuck together
Murse · 14/07/2020 22:27
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