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Why can I not leave my DP

(20 Posts)
JSweetpea1234 Tue 14-Jul-20 22:13:24

Hi mumsnetters
Looking for some advice/confirmation that leaving my DP is the right thing to do.
We have been together for 5 years and have a beautiful 1 year old DD. For a while I have been having doubts and have wanted to leave him but never got over that ‘final hurdle’ of actualy going.
My partner is brilliant with DD and can be the best partner and would do ANYTHING for me to be happy.
However, he can be quite abusive. Since I met him I have known he takes cocaine, it didn’t bother me at first but over the years and especially since DD it has really started to affect me. When he is high or on a comedown he calls me fat and ugly and disgusting, he accuses me of cheating with anybody, he goes on ‘benders’ which includes our DDs 1st xmas and bday and doesn’t come home for a day or 2. He has on a 3 occasions charged at me and pulled my hair and pushed me.
After a few days he is always sorry, he promises to get counselling etc and we go back to a ‘happy’ house that lasts for max a few weeks.
Why can I not fathom the courage to leave him? He is leaving for Spain in the morning to see his mother as I told him I’m looking for somewhere to leave as I’m not happy and he said he will give me space. So why the hell am I ALREADY having doubts? I never want to have sex with him even though he pushes it on me 5 times a week and more!!
I love this man, but I don’t want to be with him. So why can I not leave? I think I’m scared that I will regret leaving as even though he sounds like a complete idiot, he has a very good side that I do love. I may not find anybody for years and will be alone struggling with a 1 year old.
One day I’m a strong woman that is leaving and the next I miss him already and need him.
Love and children make leaving very difficult sad

OP’s posts: |
Crystalspider Tue 14-Jul-20 22:42:44

You're right, he isn't a desirable man to settle with. It's a false sense of security, he's all you've know for a long time and having a child bonds you to him.
Once you've had time and space away from him, hopefully you'll start to feel stronger without him.

namechange12a Tue 14-Jul-20 22:47:56

What do you mean by 'pushes' sex on you?

OP, are you saying that you love and are finding it difficult to leave a man addicted to drugs who pushes you to have sex, pulls your hair, shoves you, calls you names and accuses you of cheating? Do you want your daughter to see this on a regular basis?

Alicatz66 Tue 14-Jul-20 22:56:18

You say he does ANYTHING to make you happy ? ... apart from being an abusive junkie? ... why are you even asking for advice? ... if you stay you are setting yourself and your child up for a life of misery .. use your head

youhave4substitutes Tue 14-Jul-20 22:59:56

"My partner is brilliant with DD and can be the best partner and would do ANYTHING for me to be happy"

....but he missed her first birthday and Christmas cause he's a druggie and a waster. He also forces me to have sex against my will and pushes me, pulls my hair, calls me names and scares me.

Leave him and don't look back OP. That isn't love and you deserve better. If you don't think you do then your baby DD does. He doesn't give two shits about either of you when faced with the choice between your family and his addiction

Cat112344 Wed 15-Jul-20 00:10:36

In a past relationship I was with someone who very regularly took cocaine (i didn’t know for ages!) and on his ‘come down’ he didn’t call me names like that or be abusive. He was very tired and a bit moody. Cocaine is a horrid drug, not only does It ruin the person using its life, but their family/friends as well. Leave him now OP. It won’t get better, even if he does stop taking it he is naturally a nasty person. Like for him to call you those things in the first place shows he’s a nasty piece of shit and to miss your daughters birthday/Christmas is despicable! Hope you’re ok OP I know how you feel, no matter how much you try to get him off it he more than likely won’t.

Gobbycop Wed 15-Jul-20 03:30:06

He's a drug abusing, mentally and physically abusive rapist.

He's not a good partner, father or human.

rvby Wed 15-Jul-20 03:45:18

Its hard to leave because your brain is wired to hate change. Human brains love routine and predictability, especially when it comes to relationships.

Once upon a time when we were all living in caves etc, it was safer to stay with a horrible partner because otherwise you'd freeze to death or get eaten by a leopard... but we dont live in those times anymore. However, your brain is a funny old thing and doesn't know it's not the stone age anymore. That's why you're having doubts, it's a natural part of the change process. You've got to just let the doubts happen and do what you need to do anyway.

My mum has basically ruined her life by assuming that because she has an emotion, shes meant to follow it. So in your case, she would feel doubt, and then not leave her partner due to that doubt. Dont be like my mum - she has made the worst decisions you can think of because she insists on following her emotions rather than doing the bleeding obvious logical thing.

Hes a drug abusing rapist who assaults you. You cant let your dd grow up like this. She will end up with someone just like him.

Topseyt Wed 15-Jul-20 03:52:43

He tapes you several times a week, pulls your hair, calls you names and is a junkie.

He doesn't sound to me much like someone who would do anything to make you happy.

He is an utter twat. You and your DD deserve so much more. Dump him.

Topseyt Wed 15-Jul-20 03:53:40

Rapes, not tapes. Autocorrect there!

Lalala205 Wed 15-Jul-20 04:09:13

He's a cunt. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't 'love you', nor your child together. He's abusive physically and mentally. He puts himself and his own addiction way above you and your child. If he wants to change, and that's a very big 'if', he needs to sort his own shit and stop being a selfish cunt. You and your child deserve far more than him being all about him. And if he does eventually have the mindset and clarity to not be a fuck up? Then it's still not your responsibility or your child's to make him a better person. That's his own shit to fix.

FartingNora Wed 15-Jul-20 06:20:00

Seriously? What good things does he do?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jul-20 10:41:13

What would you advise your DD if she has a partner like this later in life?
Because she will.
Because this is the model she has as a relationship.
He is abusive beyone belief.
Physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally and any others you can think of.
Please call Womens Aid today.
You need to understand this is full on abuse.
You need to leave to save yourself and your DD.
Google 'cycle of abuse'. She will copy you!
Do you have anywhere to go?
Do you have family who would love and support you?
What a horrible example to set your DD.
Please get out!!!

serene12 Wed 15-Jul-20 10:52:57

I agree with the other posts, this is terrible abuse.
Could you use the time that your partner is away, to contact Women’s Aid? They will support you and if you choose to leave,they will help you to get your ‘ducks in a row’.
A good dad does not abuse the mother of his child
Also his cocaine addiction, must be expensive and often loved ones fall into the role of enabler and rescuer.

funnylittlefloozie Wed 15-Jul-20 10:55:33

Hes a rapist with a cocaine addiction who beats women. Yeah, he sounds like the perfect father and boyfriend. Cant imagine why you want to leave....

LemonBreeland Wed 15-Jul-20 11:06:48

My partner is brilliant with DD and can be the best partner and would do ANYTHING for me to be happy

This sentence does not fit with the rest of your post. Are you scared of being alone? What is it that is stopping you from leaving? He is not a good partner or father, and this is not what your DD should be growing up around.

What would you say to a friend in the same situation?

I'm really hoping that posting on here is the push you need to make the move to leave.

HollowTalk Wed 15-Jul-20 11:20:16

Obviously he won't do anything to make you happy! Do you mean he'll make you a cup of tea? He's raping you, ffs. He's highly abusive. He knows you hate it but he won't stop.

Stop thinking that he'll do anything to make you happy.

cakeandchampagne Wed 15-Jul-20 11:20:21

He’s not “brilliant”, he’s a danger to you and your child.

picklemewalnuts Wed 15-Jul-20 11:23:58

Because you have a mental block about who he is. You fell in love with and chose to have a child with the man who'd do anything for you and is a brilliant dad. You are reluctant to give that dream up, understandably.

To give up that dream man, you have to accept
1. You made a bad choice
2. He isn't who you thought he is
3. He's actually a nightmare who is dangerous to be around.

All that is hard to process, PLUS- your survival instincts are telling you not to rock the boat, don't do anything that will upset him, keep him happy at all costs. Your survival instincts are telling you that you need him onside to protect you and keep you safe.... from him.

It's a bit messed up. You might need help to work it through.

Do the Freedom Programme online or with women's aid. They will help you.

Redruby25 Wed 15-Jul-20 12:30:59

Firstly, as I know too well, you can be, and as is clear here, you are still struggling with a one year old, but with this waste of space on top of it all. And sorry I say struggling because it was relevant to you saying how it might be on your own. I think you have most likely done the best job of it as you can, under such circumstances.
It is totally normal when someone has worn you down, and you have been with someone for some time, and love the person which is totally normal as you have still at some point engaged in a relationship and had a child together too, to wonder why you can't leave and how it will be, this is normal at this stage, as you haven't left yet.
It is good that he going away, just what you need if things have gone too far. How long is he going for?
You need to have a breather, and depending on how long he has gone for, think about what you can get sorted out in that time. What is your home/financial situation? Could you ask him to move out full stop?

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