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I am so very confused, and panicked

(102 Posts)
BoggledBudgie Tue 14-Jul-20 18:42:18

I think this will possibly be long, I apologise in advance.

I have been with DP for around 9 years now, we have a young DS together and I have 2 DC from a previous relationship, he has 1 DC from his previous relationship too.

We don’t live together, we never have. He has made excuse after excuse over the years, they’ve always seemed like good reasons at the time - his ex is batshit, would stop him having access if she found out he was in a relationship, would warp his child’s head against him etc. He stayed over regularly, though we never really did anything but stay in the house. I’ve never met his family (he says he’s estranged from them due to an abusive childhood, which I 100% understand as mine wasn’t all that great either and I’m low contact). We had a contraceptive failure and I couldn’t face a termination. I fully respect other women’s decisions when it comes to whether they terminate but I couldn’t go through with one, I considered it for weeks and spoke to my doctor about it but I couldn’t do it. We talked about him moving in but he was so scared of losing contact with his first child that I didn’t push it.

Once our DS came along I was left to go through labour and birth alone and do absolutely everything myself. I was out of the hospital less than 12hrs after giving birth and cooking myself dinner, caring for my older children and a newborn alone. DP stopped staying over and I ended up with PND and perinatal OCD.

It’s been almost 3 years since we had DS now and DP is a good dad to him, he loves him and visits often through the week and always spends one day at the weekend with us.

I am really really unhappy though, I feel so rejected and unworthy. I feel like I’m good enough to have sex with but not good enough to admit he’s in a relationship with. He’s definitely not with anyone else and I am 100% not the other woman - this is the only thing I know for sure.

I’ve tried bringing up how unhappy I am to him, I’ve asked for a timeframe for him to commit to us but he won’t give one. There’s always the reason of his DC and his ex being nasty enough to stop contact. He said me being unhappy and feeling worthless and alone is all his fault then stopped talking to me. I told him I wasn’t saying it was his fault, it’s just how I’m feeling lately, but he said he’s got nothing to say and that’s that.

I’m sat having a panic attack over it. I know I’ve brought up being unhappy a few times in the last couple of months, but it’s because I’ve been really unwell and needed hospital treatment but he refused to watch DS so I wasn’t able to go in, I had to discharge myself and it was the last straw for me mentally. It always ends up me feeling like I am an awful person for feeling this way, I always have to apologise or he’ll stay cold and distant and end up depressed because I’ve hurt him by saying that I’m unhappy. It’s been this way our entire relationship and I feel so lost and confused and panicky all of the time now.

I’m sorry if that’s all one big ramble, my head is just not making sense to me right now

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Tue 14-Jul-20 18:46:49

I wouldn't even be convinced he is single tbh angry

You could be the OW or he could have other relationships.

He has no intention of committing to you ever because he is having his cake and eating it. Taking what he wants from having a relationship/family with you as and when suits.

You need to end it and cut contact. He can have DS EOW but no more setting foot in your house.

You deserve so much better sad

TwentyViginti Tue 14-Jul-20 18:47:28

Sounds like he's still married. Have you absolute proof he's single?

Singlenotsingle Tue 14-Jul-20 18:48:26

It sounds like he's a control freak, and totally unsupportive.. He wants it all his way. You're unhappy, and I'm afraid if you're unhappy now it's not going to get any better.

I would say I need to meet the family - after all they're your DC's blood family. And I'd say I need to speak to his ex about all this. He won't like it, and maybe you're too scared of upsetting him? But you can't carry on like this.

TwentyViginti Tue 14-Jul-20 18:50:23

Sorry, you said 'previous relationship' so not married - but definitely not free now. You never go out in public together, you've never met his family, he's never there for you when you need him etc.

tenlittlecygnets Tue 14-Jul-20 18:50:33

Take back the control. Stop waiting for him to commit to you. End things with him, put in a claim for CM, and rebuild your life.

He's not interested in committing to you.

Do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your boundaries for future relationships.

DartmoorChef Tue 14-Jul-20 18:50:42

Sorry but I would bet my last penny he's still with his wife.

tenlittlecygnets Tue 14-Jul-20 18:51:12

Take back the control. Stop waiting for him to commit to you. End things with him, put in a claim for CM, and rebuild your life.

He's not interested in committing to you.

Do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your boundaries for future relationships.

Sunnydayshereatlast Tue 14-Jul-20 18:52:28

Similar position years ago op. We moved in together when ds was 14 months. Dragged on for years. Him making shit effort and me getting mroe resentful..
Best day was when I threw him out. He was never a good, committed df or dp.

Guve him an ultimatum or you will go mad.

But I sadly wouldn't expect a miracle.
He is using you imo.

barbrahunter Tue 14-Jul-20 18:55:00

I think you're his secret second family, sorry OP.

RLEOM Tue 14-Jul-20 18:55:46

Oh gosh, he sounds awful.

People can lead double lives with no evidence. My friend's dad lead a double life. He'd go between his married family home and his affair family home weekly. He stopped it all when my friend turned 15. His wife is none the wiser to this day, and my friend is 34 (and to this day stills sees her dad without his wife knowing).

Either way, this is not healthy for you nor your children. You're basically a single mother, so there's no difference/loss if you split up. Honestly, you could be so much happier.

madcatladyforever Tue 14-Jul-20 18:56:02

Why on earth are you still haveing sex with him because basically your vagina is the only part of you he is interested in.
It is time to step out of the woods so you can take a good look at the trees and realise that this is NOT a relationship and you can do better than be some bloke's weekly fuck.
The distant silencing and going cold is the classic method of training someone to shut up.
Don't stand for it, never apologise, shout and scream, tell him to get the hell out of your life.

SilverOtter Tue 14-Jul-20 18:59:46

Have you ever been to his house?

BoggledBudgie Tue 14-Jul-20 19:00:32

He’s definitely not in a relationship with anyone else and he lives alone. Pre lockdown we went to his home quite often, though not been since March.

I can’t speak to his ex, it could cause all sorts of problems for him. I can’t simply end things either, I love him and he’s the only person to have ever loved me. I’m just so tired of feeling so low all the time and then feeling like such an awful person for having felt like we should have more of a relationship now than we do. I understand him not wanting to lose his child, I just can’t live like this forever

OP’s posts: |
BoggledBudgie Tue 14-Jul-20 19:04:01

@SilverOtter yes I’ve been to his house, there’s no sign anyone but him (and occasionally his DC) lives there, I really don’t think he’s in a relationship with anyone else

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 14-Jul-20 19:04:05

I can’t speak to his ex, it could cause all sorts of problems for him.

Only according to him.

I can’t simply end things either, I love him and he’s the only person to have ever loved me.

This isn't what love is, op. He all but abandoned you when you have birth to his child and only sees you when it's convenient for him. He doesn't respect you at all. Stop being a mug and raise your standards.

TwentyViginti Tue 14-Jul-20 19:04:16

Why are his needs more important than yours? You'll never ever be happy stuck in this half life. He doesn't sound loving at all. Read your OP through.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 14-Jul-20 19:06:30

yes I’ve been to his house, there’s no sign anyone but him (and occasionally his DC) lives there

That's because he stays at the other woman's house to sponge off her whilst offering absolutely no commitment, just like he does with you.

rottiemum88 Tue 14-Jul-20 19:08:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rottiemum88 Tue 14-Jul-20 19:09:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rottiemum88 Tue 14-Jul-20 19:09:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

devildeepbluesea Tue 14-Jul-20 19:10:00

How the hell can he be a good dad but not live with his partner and the mother of his child? These two things, unless we're talking about a pair of 14 year olds, are mutually exclusive IMO.

He absolutely has no interest in committing to you, and as PP have said, it's a strong likelihood that you are not actually his partner in the eyes of the world. That title belongs to someone else.

Crystalspider Tue 14-Jul-20 19:10:00

Just because he's not living with his ex does mean they haven't got the same sort of arrangement that's the same as yours, that could explain why she would be happy to know he's living with you.
If a man really wants to commit he will, why should you live your life unsettled because of him, move on.

Crystalspider Tue 14-Jul-20 19:10:46

* she wouldn't

category12 Tue 14-Jul-20 19:11:07

OP, face the facts - he doesn't want to live with you or commit to you, he doesn't even care about you enough to take care of your child so you could go into hospital. I mean, bloody hell.

You're a convenience to him.

Stop hanging out for him to change, stop giving him everything on a plate and taking his crumbs in return.

End the relationship. You're already a sole parent. Free yourself to find someone who cares about you as much as himself.

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