Living together during Lockdown - thought it might continue

[sdp1806]

New to posting on these boards so would really appreciate some words of wisdom.

Been with widower b/f for 2 years now. he has 2 stepsons 18 & 17 and a daughter 13

Ive stayed over regularly at weekends without issue and when lockdown was announced he asked if i wanted to go stay with him. Things have generally been good - a few ups and downs given the circumstances (im furloughed, he's still working)
I took on looking after house - doing cleaning, shopping etc and looking after daughter while he's at work. I have a good relationship with his daughter and i think its been nice to have another woman in the house since her mom passed.

We got into a heated discussion about when lockdown ends. I was hoping after 2 years that it would be more permanent but he thinks its too early - AIBU?
Also discussed marriage and he said he never wants to marry again. This has left me feeling hurt and that im not good enough and he doesnt love me in the way he loved his wife.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[jeaux90]

Well I'm not surprised about not wanting to marry. I would assume he wants the inheritance for his kids if he died unexpectedly.

[TwentyViginti]

You were a nice companion/housekeeper/cook/nanny during lockdown, now he wants to go back to the weekend arrangement. I think you playing wifey with such dedication may have scared him a little. He's not ready.

[namechange12a]

OP do you think he asked you to move in to look after his daughter? What was the alternative if he had to work and she was off school? I'm surprised that you've reached two years and never before discussed marriage, it's normally something people talk about quite early on. His feelings seem very clear and it looks like you've been used.

[frozendaisy]

Lockdown is a crazy time of itself, perhaps other big changes he just hasn't got the headspace for right now.

I would go home for a bit, let him miss you, see how things are. Don't stress as I say it's a strange time.

[sdp1806]

@namechange12a thanks for your reply.

No, she's a fairly independent teenager. She either looks after herself or visits other family on the days he's at work.
He doesnt like discussing emotions and marriage has only briefly been touched on before.
Maybe i am being used - or maybe my expectations are different to his

[TwentyViginti]

It sounds like you were auditioning for the role of wife during lockdown, but he saw it as temporary.

[sdp1806]

@TwentyViginti i think your right. i'll take your suggestion and go bk home and leave him to it for a while i think

[Weetabixandcrumpets]

I think after 2 years together and you living with him for the past 5 months, it is not unreasonable to anticipate a level of commitment.
Forget about him for a minute, how about you? Do you want to be with him long term, what is your gut telling you?

[Rainycloudyday]

Absolutely pack up and go home immediately. He has either used you deliberately or been horrible inconsiderate. Either way you should be asking yourself if HE is good enough for YOU to consider marrying. The dynamic shouldn’t be you trying to make him think you’re good enough to live with or marry. Raise your expectations and look at it the other way. Why are you not furious and thinking badly of him? It works both ways.

Sorry but it sounds horribly like you were good enough to move in and be his childcare and make his life easier during lockdown but he has no intention or motivation for the arrangement to continue once he doesn’t need you. Leave him to it and find someone who wants you for you, not for what you can do for him. It’s horrible and hurtful but cut your losses.

[Eslteacher06]

Sorry but if he's said he doesn't want to marry and you do, you're on different pages. It's not because he doesn't like/love you, but you have mismatched expectations. Don't wait around for him to change, it will only build the resentment. And he won't change. Find someone worthy of you! Before you do, write down a list of non negotiables and stick to them. Good luck!

[sdp1806]

@Weetabixandcrumpets i do want to be with him long term but i could be waiting years before we're living together as a couple. Im 43yrs old - i havent got it in me to start all over again but i feel like i cant hold on forever

[Weetabixandcrumpets]

I have just found this in a current thread. It could be wrong, but tbf seems to make a bit of sense (43 isn’t old, I’m starting again and I have a few years on you )

[Itsallpointless]

How long ago did his wife pass?

I would be very hurt by this, as I would've seen it as an opportunity to find out if we were compatible living together. I'd go home OP, I think 2 years is enough time for commitment.