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So anxious and can't think positive

(9 Posts)
Miss2009 Tue 14-Jul-20 11:34:55

I'm a 32, almost 33, year old female. I have recently split from my boyfriend of ten years. We still love eachother very much but we split because I wanted children and he didn't and the relationship had just come to a dead end. I have no plans to date anyone anytime soon. However, I am so anxious that I am not going to meet anyone else and if I do the next relationship will fail. I want to meet someone who wants the same things as me: To love, get married and have children. I'm anxious about it because I had been with my ex boyfriend for so long and always imagined my life with him. Now that's gone. I have no idea where to start when it comes to dating. I don't have many friends. Never been online dating. I'm afraid if I start going out more no one will notice me and I'll end up alone anyway with no partner, marriage or children, which is what I have always wanted.

OP’s posts: |
litterbird Tue 14-Jul-20 12:21:54

Firstly well done for seeing that the relationship was not right for your future. You are stepping into the unknown that can be on one hand scary and the other one exciting. Its going to be a little more difficult at the moment with covid etc but if you can join an online dating site or join 'meet-up' groups to get you out there then go for it. My gym is opening again next week so see what other things around you are opening up. OLD can be tricky. You need a thick skin and you may or may not find your prince among frogs there but it will get you back in the saddle as it were. Get your head in the right space first as if you come across as desperate and your only reason to be on OLD or in groups is to get married and pregnant then you might attract anyone without looking out for red flags. One of my friends was in the exactly the same position as you are and the same age. She was really up front with her dates and said that she is looking for a long term happy relationship that would hopefully lead to marriage and babies. She wrote it in her profile so a lot of men were weeded out. She eventually met someone at a party and they are now married with a child. You will only be invisible if you believe in your head you are invisible. You are not invisible if your self esteem is high, boundaries strong and you have a good sense of yourself. If you feel you don't then go ahead and get some therapy to build on your self worth. You are in danger of attracting the wrong man if you are not strong in the self awareness side. Read some good self help books or YouTube or podcasts about building self esteem and healthy boundaries. You also need to make friends and build up a strong friendship group. Good luck x

Bunnymumy Tue 14-Jul-20 13:00:55

I'm hoping to give an alternate answer to what most will give here because I think it's important to be said.

If I had a man who loved me, who I loved, I would not give him up for some imaginary better possibility. Yes, having kids is absolutely possible. Yes meeting a man who loves you, who you love who wants kids is absolutely possible. But no way would I trade a definitive 2 for a possible 3.

Hat being said - I'm not saying that that means you should stay with the ex. I am saying that you probably knew he wasnt the man for you for other reasons and the kid thing was just extra incentive.

Also, you say you want love, marriage and kids but just to check - do you? Or is it that you just feel like something is missing from your life and you think having kids would 'fix' that. Not to sound patronising, I'm just saying that a lot of women just want kids because they think it is what they are supposed to want. Because they think that marriage and kids is the narrative they must follow, otherwise they are somehow missing out on something.

I think maybe you just want 'more' from life. And that's ok. But I suspect it's about more than children. You outgrew the relationship. So one way or another, leaving was probably the right thing to do. But do consider that if there is a...gap, a longing for something, that that something may not be for kids. Just incase. Maybe take your new found singlehood to explore new hobbies or travel ect...get to know yourself as a single person (in long relationships we often find that we lose touch with ourselves). Chances are you will meet someone new through these things too and marriage and kids will ne on the cards if it's what you truly desire.

Este67 Tue 14-Jul-20 18:57:42

Hey OP, I'm in the same situation & the same age as you; you're not alone! I was new to OLD as well (dating apps weren't even around when I was last single!) and I do have to say: it is not for the faint of heart. I went straight into dating about a week after my split & that went about as well as you would expect. I would really recommend giving yourself at least 6 months to work on yourself, maybe get some therapy, explore hobbies etc to make sure you're strong enough and in a good place to start dating. I know it can feel daunting and the temptation is to get yourself out there asap because of the dreaded biological clock but you're likely to attract the wrong type of man with that energy. Try and surround yourself with other single girls as well as that will help you feel less alienated. Good luck in your journey and well done for recognizing that you weren't in the right relationship and doing something about it!

Miss2009 Wed 15-Jul-20 02:10:08

I'm so afraid that I've ran out of time to get married and have children 😟

OP’s posts: |
Emmmie Wed 15-Jul-20 02:36:04

You did the right thing OP. You are so young and there is still a lot of time for your dreams to come true. 🌷

Bunnymumy Wed 15-Jul-20 03:08:12

Nah dont worry. My mum has me in her forties. You could have 15 odd years left to marry and have kids.

Bunnymumy Wed 15-Jul-20 03:11:41

Longer still if youd consider adopting/fostering

Este67 Wed 15-Jul-20 11:49:49

@Miss2009 It is a scary and I definitely know how you feel. Try to remember though that its not about meeting just anyone and churning out some kids. It's about finding someone special who will cherish you and be a good partner and father. I feel I owe it to my future children to give them the best father figure I can & finding someone who is equal to the task is going to take self reflection and time. You still have time, try not to panic (talking to myself here as well!) X

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