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seperation - alcohol and deceit - need to keep it together till he has left

(5 Posts)
Seriouslynotagain Tue 14-Jul-20 11:02:50

My partner of 15 yrs and father to our two children is in the process of arranging new flat and should be gone within the next few weeks.

I know C19 has been so awful for some but for me it has given me the space to see clearly what has been going on. Some fairly serious issues around alcohol, deception and gaslighting - i have repeatedly ignored red flags for what would seem to be many many years. I asked him to leave - I am 100% sure that is the correct thing to do. However, this limbo bit is awful - I feel I am living with a total stranger. He is acting very happy [happier than I have seen him in years].

I am trying so hard to focus on detaching and not engaging in anything other than talks about children/finances. That stuff is hard in itself as he is now someone whom I shared things with to someone who is unpredictable/untrustworthy so I need to focus on working out how I am going to take over mortgage etc and just hope he pays the CM we have agreed along with his half of the mortgage.

But my reason for this post is to ask for help with these fragile days/weeks before he goes. Thankfully he is out at work most days and away most of this weekend - I am doing a fairly decent job of removing myself and retreating to bedroom most evenings. I guess I just need to make sure when I feel a rage coming on I need to stop myself...any words of advice please?

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Thelnebriati Tue 14-Jul-20 11:55:45

I find having a specific activity to focus on is helpful and it may as well be something you get some benefit from.

Detach, observe dont engage, and breath. Practice controlled breathing when you are calm.
Breath in through the nose and out through the mouth, and focus on gradually making each breath as long and slow as you can. It calms the flight/fight reaction.

Have you read ''The Good Psychopath's Guide to Success''? Theres a really useful concise explanation here;

Seriouslynotagain Tue 14-Jul-20 13:57:44

@Thelnebriati thank you so much for this - I have not read that book but actually this is very interesting so many thanks for the link. I have been meditating and working hard to play it cool but sometimes the rage just washes over me. I know there is absolutely nothing to be gained from engaging with him when I feel like this. He has shown himself to be completely untrustworthy so I don't know why I would try digging for the truth when his answers mean nothing.

I will feel more in control once he has left and then our interactions are restricted to money and children only. Im so angry right now and finding this bit really hard work.

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Thelnebriati Wed 15-Jul-20 13:49:39

Do practice the breathing, its not just a load of woo - I'm recovering from PTSD and panic attacks, it really works.
And you are right, it gets so much easier when they've gone.

Also, once you detach they notice, and it really upsets them that they can't control and goad you any more. ExH deflated and turned into a lost little boy, then asked me to take him back. It really gave me some insight into how they fool themselves into believing we are the controlling ones.

Seriouslynotagain Wed 15-Jul-20 14:36:36

@Thelnebriati thank you. I copied this from the sociopath link you provided earlier

traits that make good special forces soldiers are:
1. The ability to let things wash over them
2. Not take things personally
3. Not dwell on the past
4. Not overthink the present
5. Not worry unduly about the future

I am focussing hard at the moment on being a bit less me and a bit more SAS and it is helping. Today is tough so thank you

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