Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Husband online cams - need help(59 Posts)
Very long time lurker, first post. I never thought this would happen to me. I've read so many like that on here, well here I am.
I'll try not to drip feed, also apologies if I get anything messed up - I'm still shaking.
I've been married for 24 years with DD 22 and DS 30 - to what I thought was a great husband. You know the usual story, does more than his fair share around the house etc. I have my own business and am also the only earner (he does some admin for me which I pay him for). We both work from home (long before Covid) and have our own rooms (offices) in the house.
My spidey senses have been tingling for a while, he's been secretive with his phone, always wants to be in his office ‘sorting emails’ etc. just generally more secretive and vague about how he spends his time. So, Friday night we were watching TV having a drink, when he checked his phone, I just happened to look over (he was a bit drunk so wasn’t really hiding it) and I noticed a list of messages, just plain white and text which I had never seen before. It wasn’t gmail which he uses it was different. When I asked what it was, he said nothing and hid it quickly. I left it but it has been on my mind all weekend.
This morning when I woke up he was already awake and on his phone, then he went downstairs to feed the cat and make coffee, so I had a look at his phone and there it all was.
It was protonmail and he had been sending messages to a sex cam worker on pornhub live. I read them all and sent copies to myself (thank you mumsnet). I went downstairs and confronted him, he just said the old line ‘I was just talking to someone’ ffs
I’m fairly tech savvy, so I made him give me all of his passwords to his pc, bank, credit card, PayPal, pornhub, onlyfans, everything. I’ve changed the passwords and email addresses to his sex sites and protonmail, so only I can access them. Ive spent the last few hours going through everything and I am destroyed. It’s so pathetic, he created an online persona to talk with these women, he said that he was worth millions, not married, no kids ffs its sad and pathetic and of course they’ve started asking for money. I’ve looked through his purchase history on these sites and he has spent over 5 grand in 4 months and its my fucking money that I give him. While I have been worrying about money (we just bought a house in April) he’s been paying these women for sex acts and what’s even more fucking hilarious is that we don’t have sex that often (even though I very much want to) as he is unable to get an erection. He even told me that he doesn’t masturbate that much with these women because of his erection problems. He just likes to watch, I’m so fucking angry.
It’s most definitely over, without a shadow of a doubt. I just need some help doing that. Our lives and finances are so intertwined, I don’t know where to start. I desperately want to kick him the fuck out right now, but I’ll have to wait for him to find somewhere (no family or friends near by). What do I do next?
Just hugs, get a recommendation for a solicitor that gets good results for their clients and find out where you stand.
He is financially dependent on you, it's a long marriage so will likely be a 50;50 split and you may need to support him for a couple of years.
I guess stop giving him free access to money...
Does he have a contact for his job working for your business? If not I would get one written and with clear objectives etc as it could get difficult or even nasty.
He should get onto ‘entitled to’ website or similar and find out what he will get in benefits to live on, go on right move and find out what flat /houseshares are available etc. He won’t though, so can you see what he is eligible for and then he can go? I totally get that you don’t feel you can “just” throw him out...
Don't have much to add except I'm so so sorry. You must be devastated.
Try to keep your head and prepare for battle. It may end amicably in which case, great. You must know from being on here that caught partners often turn nasty, so get lawyered up NOW.
You need a solicitor, as soon as humanly possible.
I would find out what a SHL thinks is a fair and reasonable settlement and try and get it sorted amicably.
Finances don't take "fault" or "cause" into account. I would make him move out of your shared bedroom. Does he have family he could go stay with to give you space?
he has spent over 5 grand in 4 months
Oh my life, what a fucking loser.
See a solicitor ASAP, I would also give him a time limit of how long he has to get out of the house.
Cut off his access to any shared/business ban accounts now.
Find someone else to do the work he does for you, you cannot trust him.
Good luck x
Email him to say you want the money he has stolen back.
Get a shit hot solicitor ASAP.
Thanks so much for all your replies. I don’t feel so alone now.
I will definitely be getting a SHL. Unfortunately he really has nowhere to go, but Ive told him he needs to get out as soon as possible, I don’t care how. I won’t be employing him anymore, and I will definitely not be paying him. He’s moved to the spare room, first thing I did. I’m sat in bed right now. I don’t want to look at his pathetic sad puppy dog eyes. I’m also currently in the process of removing him from any shared business things. We’ve moved to a new area so neither of us has any friends here and we don’t really have any close family ties, we were supposed to build a new life together now the kids have grown up - what a fucking joke. He’s thrown a hand grenade into our lives and our futures. Selfish wanker.
At what point do you think we should tell the (adult)kids?
Legally can you sack him?
I would tell the DC fairly soon that you will be divorcing but perhaps not why?
I don’t need to sack him, no legal requirements I hope as I was employing him as freelancer. So he paid his own tax and NI. I can just stop him working for me I believe?
I kind of know this feeling OP as we too work together, although it’s a joint business. Like you no kids still at home. I discovered quite by chance that as well as copious amounts of porn multiple times a week when I’m out he was looking at those kind of sites too , although doesn’t appear to be participating or paying- just viewing the thumbnails it seems — to me you might as well just say it’s looking at online hookers calling cards. Like your H, he isn’t an obvious sleaze , and he knows full well I wouldn’t be ok with this, paying or not. I’ve kept my counsel as I’m saving up and am still undecided- at my age (50s) im
Pretty much resigned to the fact if I leave it would be to remain single- it’s my 2nd marriage (long one) and I feel totally let down and have really gone off men in a big way.
I would speak to your children after you consult with a solicitor and have a firm plan of action in place. Don't delay getting legal advice. Let the reality of his new future hit your husband like a fucking train.
Kick him out OP
He can sleep in the car until he finds a room to rent in a shared house.
I did it and it was hard knowing he's sleeping rough but it's worth it.
Well done you for being decisive and deciding it's over.
Fuck me, what a cunt he is. Imagine spending someone else's hard earned money on that. Ugh.
Good on you for planning ahead and focusing on onwards and upwards. You're well shot.
If it was "just talking" presumably he would have been happy for you to be doing what the women he spoke to were doing and performing sex acts in exchange for money on Pornhub live? Because that would be cheating on him. But when it's him the rules are different...
The puppy dog eyes are helpful in a weird way as what he's done will have given you the ick and the pathetic behaviour of "feel sorry for me" eyes after behaving so appallingly only serves to make someone more repulsive.
Funny how these fake millionaires never seem to have 1/10000000th of the work ethic or drive to become one isn't it?
See a business solicitor too - you need to get the business out of his reach. If it's done carefully through holding companies etc you'll hopefully be able to keep it out of his reach. He's not expecting this do hopefully hadn't got copies of anything so you can perhaps transfer some assets to your mum etc.
So you need a creative SHL - preferably 2. One to help you sort your assets out (and set up trusts etc) and one to do the divorce.
You might be able to get him to agree to setting up trusts while he's still feeling guilty. You may even have to play along with his bullshit for a bit while you get things arranged.
What a fucking prick. He's a loser who can't get it up and that's what this is all about. Playing the big man with your money. £5k. Unbelievable.
Thanks so much all for your replies. You can’t imagine how much this helps.
I’ve been crying a lot, I think the anger is subsiding and the reality of what a fucking car crash this is going to be and all the shit that will come with it has hit me. 24 years of marriage - pissed up the wall because he wanted some ‘tittilation’ and ‘excitement’ (his words) and of course the old chestnut ‘it meant nothing’. FFS I was looking through his purchase history on PHL and he was doing it this morning at 6am next to me in bed, before I woke up and he gave her 4quid - how pathetic is that?
I’m exhausted and beyond sad, of course he wants another chance, but how can I do that? How could I possibly trust him again? And the money - why the fuck do they do this?
I’m going to try and sleep now, but I want you all to know how much I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply. It means a lot. I’ll get back to this thread and read all of your replies soon.
@tarasmalatarocks you should check all credit cards, bank and PayPal (using his email address)to see if he has been paying.
I know what you mean I’m nearly 50 and I feel the same - I would remain single - that would be it for me. I’ve also been let down by men in the past but I thought that H was different - I really did. Time to get my ducks in a row - he won’t know what’s hit him.
Remove ALL of your money from accounts he has access to and open accounts only in your name. I would be doing this first thing in the morning. Anything else can wait.
I am so sorry OP. What a fucking idiot he is. Well done for standing your ground.
Please login first.