Feeling irrational and hopeless

[chelsea100]

I am not sure if anyone can offer me help or advice but basically I am a married guy early 40’s, married for 20 years and have one child. Anyway about 5 years ago I fell madly in love with a close female friend - told her how I felt and as she was a friend of my wife’s she said no way etc. Anyway fast forward three years and we have kissed a few times etc - which has just put me into a mad spin.

Anyway recently I found out via my wife she has fallen in love with someone - I was absolutely heartbroken beyond belief. I literally sobbed and felt so depressed. I just don’t see that I will ever meet anyone like that again. Just broken

Has anyone been through this?

( incidentally just writing that has felt carthetic)

[Crystalspider]

If you loved someone else or maybe more intense lust for her? I think the love is missing from your marriage, you've outgrown it, when you've been together a long time, the very thought of ending it is a scary thought but if your no longer happy maybe it's time to quit the marriage and find someone who you want to be with and it's not fair on your wife that you are not all there for her.

[IvyMayaZ]

I think you need to end your marriage. It will give you freedom to meet other people and find love again and your wife will have a chance to find/be with someone who will love her too...

[Crispsnatcher]

I wonder how your wife would feel if she knew all of this.

You either need to out more effort into your marriage or split. You've already cheated. It's unfair. Do the right thing.

[RainbowFlowers]

You won't meet anyone decent when you're married anyway.

[overlooker]

You’re sobbing over another woman while married!! You need to leave your poor wife. She deserves the chance to have somebody who loves her

[mellowww]

Hey
Well done for speaking up.

Yes, I get this. A lot of us will get this (even some of the ones who will say they don't ...).

Part of the thing about an infatuation with another person is about not actually being able to have them, so it's sort of 'safe' in a way. You should first tell yourself it might not have worked in real life with this woman.

Secondly, if she's in love with someone else now, however you felt, she was on the lookout and found someone else.

Thirdly, you have outgrown your marriage. At this point, you either stay and suck it up and let the grief pass for this woman and maybe privately get some counselling to reconnect with your wife, or you end the marriage and free yourself and your wife to find someone else.

I don't know what your marriage and family life is like. Sometimes in a long marriage either party will effectively have a wobble and question their feelings. Then they work through it and it's all ok.

If you don't love your wife and you are likely to be unfaithful to her then better to end it before you destroy everyone's lives and happiness with infidelity.

[London1001]

Thank you melloww you are so right.

I guess I have had so much rejection in my life this one has knocked me flat out. I am just simply beyond distraught

[Msonamission]

What is it about her that made you feel like you have fallen in love?

[mellowww]

She hasn't rejected you. She knows having something with you would be wrong, so she's diverted herself elsewhere.

She presumably feels bad about the kissing, etc.
She previously said 'no way' as you are her friend's husband.

I imagine part of what you like about her is her personality. She's just being practical right now.

You were not free to be loved. You have a wife. Her friend.

If you had been free and she'd refused you, that would be rejection.

This isn't that. You weren't free and she still couldn't help herself and kissed you, BUT she knew this was wrong so has stopped herself.

You should be grateful to her as the devastation an affair would bring would have hurt those close to you very badly.

I know that doesn't stop your feelings, though. I'm afraid you're just going to have to nurse yourself through this. And I would seriously suggest maybe some private counselling. You need to sort out where you are and what you want and what your family deserves.

Or you just grieve your lost love and cry at night for that perfect person and suck it up. As many of us have done. You just carry them somewhere in your heart.

And you look to all the good in your wife, and everything that you married her for. And you build on that. I don't know about your relationship though. The alternative is you find this too devastating and you split the family up. But you won't get the friend now. You wouldn't ever have, because she wouldn't hurt her friend (your wife) like that.

Personally I think you should stay put and work on your marriage. If you don't cope well with rejection, you won't like divorce.

I'm sorry that my advice is 'cry secretly at night until it dies down'. But that's how it is 💐

[London1001]

thank you mellowww,

I agree with what you are saying.

It is actually an impossible situation to resolve. I dont see personal happiness in any shape or form. Whichever way i go, it just involves pain and upset. In a way i wish i had never met her.

But thank you for taking the time to think about this and post your thoughts. It has been very calming.

[mellowww]

Hi London,
You're very welcome. Many people have been in effectively the same situation and had to just let it pass. You can't win them all.

I hope there's something in your marriage that can bring you happiness.

If not, in a considered way you should maybe look at the option of ending it.

Best of luck and never feel alone. 💐

[London1001]

Thank you to all who have taken the time to post on this.

One question do you think given how I feel it is unreasonable of me to not want to see or socialise with her ( she is my wife’s friend ) or should I just suck it up

I just feel best way forwards is to ignore ? Have you been in this situation?

[MissSmiley]

How do you know that it's not you that she's fallen in love with?

[London1001]

I don’t think so MissSmiley - I just think she loved the attention and I’m like the back up guy. If she loved me she would behave very differently