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He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

(455 Posts)
poppiesredfred Mon 13-Jul-20 18:42:18

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP’s posts: |
VettiyaIruken Mon 13-Jul-20 18:45:58

Yes. You are. It really doesn't sound like he wants to marry you.

hiddeneverythin Mon 13-Jul-20 18:52:39

Wow. Why do you want to be with someone who messes you around like this?

SeasonFinale Mon 13-Jul-20 18:53:24

I think he does. If he still has outstanding financial settlement to do with his ex though he wont want to sell the ring and have cash available to either give to her or be used in the settlement dealings.

I think if you want to be with him just wait and see what happens. Are you sure he is actually divorced though. It sounds to me as though he may not be or he does at least want full closure with the ex before announcing he is engaged to someone else.

poppiesredfred Mon 13-Jul-20 19:08:55

SeasonFinale

I think he does. If he still has outstanding financial settlement to do with his ex though he wont want to sell the ring and have cash available to either give to her or be used in the settlement dealings.

I think if you want to be with him just wait and see what happens. Are you sure he is actually divorced though. It sounds to me as though he may not be or he does at least want full closure with the ex before announcing he is engaged to someone else.

I think you have a point - I think he's scared to tell his ex fiancee as he's worried that she will withhold money from him whilst they sort out their finances if she thinks he's getting married (still not agreed after three years). He's definitely divorced from his ex wife - I've seen the DA.

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Mon 13-Jul-20 19:10:23

You've paid large bills for him, and now he wants you to have a cheap ring? Why won't he sell the other ring? He sounds dodgy AF what with the 'finance arrangement' with ex and all the secrecy.

Greenkit Mon 13-Jul-20 19:13:20

I was advised not to finalise the divorce until the financial side is complete

Eddielzzard Mon 13-Jul-20 19:13:44

Is he a bit of a cocklodger? I would ask for half the bills in future.

BlessYourCottonSocks Mon 13-Jul-20 19:14:55

@TwentyViginti makes a good point. WTF are you doing, paying 'large bills' for a bloke that's playing you like this?

Don't pay for anything else and ignore any hints about marriage and rings. I'd be telling him straight, Get yourself sorted out first, then ask me to marry you properly - with a proper proposal and ring - and I'll consider it. Until then, let's put all thoughts of marriage between the two of us aside.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Mon 13-Jul-20 19:16:36

He might not get as much as you think for the ring, but yes sorry op, it sounds like he is full of shit talk.

Fairenuff Mon 13-Jul-20 19:18:30

No, if he really wanted this he would be going for it.

Are you sure it was the ex who didn't want to marry? Sounds like he likes the grand gesture of a proposal but doesn't want to see it through.

PicsInRed Mon 13-Jul-20 19:21:02

He sounds narcissistic, he enjoys the attention and romance and drama of an impending engagement, probably enjoyed the wedding day immensely, but isn't remotely interested in relationships with women as actual people - who are distinct to himself.

"She wanted the ring but not him"? Sounds like projection.

This one's a headfucking dud. I'd end it and find someone who wants a real commitment with an actual person - not just a whole lot of shine and glitter falling about their ears, all the world's a stage etc.

intheningnangnong Mon 13-Jul-20 19:23:59

Avery expensive ring that he’ll get fuck all for if he tried to sell it. I can’t blame him for not wanting to take the hit.

TeaAndHobnob Mon 13-Jul-20 19:24:48

Yeah the ring will be worth about 10% of what he paid for it, so that's a non starter tbh. I would be thinking it's more about what it represents if I'm honest. He'll hang onto his ex's wedding ring but not make any moves towards buying you one. Hmmm.

I think you're right OP. There's a reluctance that he's trying to mask with these pronouncements. I'd give him until the end of the year (in my mind) to sort his shit out i.e. buy a ring or propose properly, and set a date. And if that doesn't happen it's time for a serious chat.

And stop paying his bills for him. You're not married, his debts are not your responsibility. Mind you, do you really want them to be?!

Emancipated Mon 13-Jul-20 19:25:26

Oh god I couldn’t be doing with this shit. Be engaged but not say anything? Any decent guy would just wait longer to get engaged! It sounds like he is dangling you from string.

RednaxelasLunch Mon 13-Jul-20 19:25:57

Why would he keep the ring he got made for a woman who rejected him? That's not the behaviour of an emotionally healthy person who is committed to his new partner.

He's just messing you around. If you're happy being in a less serious relationship, crack on. But if you want to eventually settle down and marry, have kids etc, dump him now. Don't waste another minute on this game. You'll only lose precious time.

poppiesredfred Mon 13-Jul-20 19:26:58

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.

OP’s posts: |
Iminaglasscaseofemotion Mon 13-Jul-20 19:27:33

Why was he telling a waiter in a random restaurant that there "might be a big even next year" anyway? What's it got to do with him?

LJenn Mon 13-Jul-20 19:31:41

The proposal came shortly after he asks you how he can get his hands on 50% of YOUR house????? I hate to be sceptical but that is dodgy as F... sorry OP😭😭

BobbieDraper Mon 13-Jul-20 19:31:45

The ring will have been expensive because it was designed in consultation with him and then made for him. It wasnt bought "off the rack" or even made from an available design; the jeweller has pit the work in to design and make a custom piece. That's where his money went.

He wont get a lot for selling it; not as much as either of you seem to think. Unless it's made by a very well known designer, or has a huge rock etc. It will sell for standard engagement ring second hand prices.

poppiesredfred Mon 13-Jul-20 19:31:59

I said to him today 'none of this feels real. There's no ring, no -one knows....' and he just sat silently. Last weekend we saw somewhere it would be good to have a reception and he said 'if it's what you want, book it but can you pay for it' confused he also wants to find somewhere to be married and keeps asking me to contact them so we can 'hurry up and get it rubber stamped'. I just don't get the whole head fuck to be honest! Hot on some things, cold on others.... it just feels weird.

OP’s posts: |
Holyrivolli Mon 13-Jul-20 19:32:19

So you’re dangling shared ownership of the house as a way of getting him to marry you. Why would you do this? Are you that desperate to marry him?

LJenn Mon 13-Jul-20 19:33:24

He's after your assets OP. That's just odd behaviour. Do NOT pay for anything else, and do NOT let this man get his hands on YOUR home. I

BobbieDraper Mon 13-Jul-20 19:33:39

Wtf??

Why would it be equal? You pay for most things by the sounds of it, and you bought your home with your money. You've only been together a short while, you dont have any kids etc. Why would he think the house should be half his? He already gets rent free living.

Dont marry him. He's just after your money.

fflelp Mon 13-Jul-20 19:34:32

Strange behaviour.
But why would you want to marry someone next year who still needs to finalize a settlement with his ex and who still has his ex's engagement ring in a box which could be sold and yet expects you to bail him out by paying large bills for him?
I wouldn't want to be merging finances with him any time soon. Don't get married to him yet, if at all.
And if he suddenly decides to propose to you with the ex's ring, tell him to get to fuck.

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