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When would you say Verbal Abuse is justified?

(21 Posts)
Orange52 Mon 13-Jul-20 17:50:14

For example.

A man feels he's being nagged too much after he's been out at work all day. He asked for half an hour nap but the women doesn't let him. She wants his attention, she wants to go out and do something together. He lashes out by telling her to fuck off, she's a selfish bitch. He blames this on losing his patience because he feels that the whole relationship is about what she wants and not what he wants. He has to do what ever she wants.

Is that justified?

OP’s posts: |
sonjadog Mon 13-Jul-20 17:53:54

No, verbal abuse like that is never justified. If the relationship doesn't work, then end it. Staying in a relationship and abusing someone is not an acceptable option.

LemonTT Mon 13-Jul-20 17:54:24

No. And it won’t solve the problem. It’s just adding a new dimension into an already abusive relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 13-Jul-20 17:57:48

You're writing about your own relationship here aren't you rather than some hypothetical situation.

No to verbal abuse or for that matter abuse of any type ever being justified. Abusers try and justify it saying that they were driven to it by the who they see as the aggressor, saw red etc. Its always the other person's fault; never theirs in their mind.

Would they treat a work colleague or someone in the outside world like that; no. They are often quite plausible to those in the outside world too. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges and he remains volatile.

Abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Orange52 Mon 13-Jul-20 18:13:23

How should a man react in this situation? If the woman is selfish and likes everything her way.

OP’s posts: |
user1456324865563 Mon 13-Jul-20 18:16:39

If the woman is selfish and likes everything her way.

Is that what the abusive man in our not-very-hypothetical scenario tells her?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 13-Jul-20 18:19:17

He should end the relationship.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 13-Jul-20 18:21:06

He asked for half an hour nap but the women doesn't let him. She wants his attention, she wants to go out and do something together.

Although tbf if that were me and I wanted a nap I'd be fucking livid.

namechange12a Mon 13-Jul-20 18:23:56

I wouldn't continue a relationship with a man who called me names or accused me of nagging.

As for the question, any kind of abuse is unjustified. The man shouldn't be in a relationship if he's too immature to have a conversation without name calling.

Fairenuff Mon 13-Jul-20 18:24:25

If he is unhappy being in a relationship with a selfish woman, he should leave it.

TheSandman Mon 13-Jul-20 18:24:34

Possibly not justified but understandable. People get really fucking grumpy when they're tired.

Orange52 Mon 13-Jul-20 18:26:01

No, it's genuinely the truth.
I didn't realise how selfish I had been until he outlined it all.

But is it true that no matter how angry you are at someone, verbal abuse is not okay?

OP’s posts: |
Icanflyhigh Mon 13-Jul-20 18:30:01

First off, please stop writing in the 3rd person as it is very confusing and fools no one that you're actually referring to yourself.
And second, no, verbal abuse is never ok.
Sounds like you have no respect for each other.

gotothecooler Mon 13-Jul-20 18:31:06

But is it true that no matter how angry you are at someone, verbal abuse is not okay?

Telling you to fuck off, and explaining why, is not verbal abuse. It's not very nice, but it isn't abusive. Let's save the label for actual abuse. He has told you how it is because he is sick of you being so intense and demanding. Instead of looking to pin blame to him for letting that out, maybe try to look at your own behaviour.

YesItsMeIDontCare Mon 13-Jul-20 18:35:06

Orange52

No, it's genuinely the truth.
I didn't realise how selfish I had been until he outlined it all.

But is it true that no matter how angry you are at someone, verbal abuse is not okay?

Sounds to me like he lost his temper rather than actual abuse. Not brilliant but if it's not a regular occurrence I wouldn't call it abuse. It's possible he's lost his rag because he's been trying to tell you before and you haven't listened.

Talk and listen to each other when things have calmed down.

LemonTT Mon 13-Jul-20 18:36:37

Taking what you say at face value. You prove the point. Being abusive didn’t solve anything. It only serves to hurt. If he wanted you to stop he only had to explain. If he wants to hurt he is abusive.

Not accepting someone saying no and pressuring them to say yes is wrong too. In any context.

Nackajory Mon 13-Jul-20 18:44:53

Never ok. He should be able to talk to you about what's bothering him without being abusive. Sounds like he might be gaslighting.

Periodprob Mon 13-Jul-20 18:47:59

Dump him. If you're that awful then why does he want to be with you?

One day you'll look back and realise you're not the bad person here.

sonjadog Mon 13-Jul-20 19:49:17

Verbal abuse is never okay. It is never okay for one person to call another person a "selfish bitch" and to shout at them to "fuck off". I can get as angry as anyone, but swearing and horrible name calling is completely off limits, and I would not be with anyone who used language like that to me. I have had a couple of relationships where the final straw has been the man calling me a "fucking bitch" or similar. The relationship ended immediately and it was each time a sign of a much bigger problem. They were not good men or kind men.

Orange52 Mon 13-Jul-20 19:51:47

I knew it was wrong, no matter how angry I am I never reach for verbal abuse.

OP’s posts: |
SoulofanAggron Mon 13-Jul-20 20:00:22

Never. It's abuse, the idea of justified abuse isn't a thing.

In you're example he could use non-abusive words to ask for some space etc.

And if you're that awful why's he with you? I'm sure you're not, I think he just enjoys having a go at you. Try not to let yourself believe it. You probably have reasonable standards of what you want going out, time together, etc, but he can't be arsed meeting them so he'd rather slag you off.

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