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AIBU to want to leave?

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Mummabearof4our2020 Mon 13-Jul-20 14:28:53

This is a very long read and for that I apologise but I need to explain the facts as its a sensitive situation. Thank you to anyone taking the time to read. Im desperate for advice and support and I dont know where else to turn where no one will find out.
I have 4 children, my eldest 2, 12 and 6 year old daughters are from my first marriage. My youngest, 2 year old son and 11 week old daughter are with my Current partner. We have been together 3 and a half years.
Ive always been very independent and in control of my life and a very strong person but over the course of our relationship its all been taken away. Im so insecure and weak now with no control or independence and I hate it. From the beginning hes always had a foul temper and has been quite immature but often the positives made up for the negatives and hey no ones perfect right.
I very much was in love and my daughters found him fun and playful and caring. Orignially he lived at his parents house and my daughters and i lived in our little 3 bed terrace. Wasn't perfect home but it wqs mine ans i fought so hard to be abke to rent it and keep it. It wqs ours and it was in an area I loved and had lived for over a decade surrounded by friends.
There were incidents from the beginning I suppose.. he would get very angry over things.. he had smashed a hole in my bathroom door with his fist and kicked and punched various items around my home. He would often get so angry and walk out and drive off for hours at a time and he would shout and swear, one time telling my daughter who was 4 at the time to "just Fuck off ". I went mental at him and he was so apologetic and charming that I believed him when he said it was a mistake and never happen again. I asked him to stay away for a bit and he did but eventually we tried again. Im glad we did as i fell pregnant with my son.
My pregnancy wasn't easy and he would flit in and out of work and he still had an awful temper but it was mostly a.nicer time. He went down my phone a couple of times as he said he felt insecure and I stupidly let that go as well. Red flags that I ignored.
He became quite possessive and has never liked me talking to men, even saying morning love or cheers darling to the postman gave him the green eyed monster. He argued with my mum during this time too as she ans my dad were frustrated with him for walking out of a job when he had a pregnant partner and home and 2 children hed taken on as well.
Fast forward a little and we had my beautiful gorgeous son and things were great for a time. The odd few incidents but nothing too bad. He felt we couldn't stay at the house i had as we had outgrown it and he wanted us to live together properly and we began looking for somewhere bigger. His parents then made an offer we couldn't refuse.
I spent weeks uncertain about it but in the end it felt like a chance we wouldn't miss. They had a very large house with an annexe that they were willing to share. They'd live in the annexe we'd live in the 4 bedroom house. Perfect. We'd help pay the mortgage and eventually we would own it and it was in a beautiful country area and i coukd even have my horse ans childrens ponies there next to the house! Even better! Dream come true. Fab schools as well.
Fast forward again and the dream has become a nightmare. My beautiful little 11 week old daughter being born this year has been the light in the darkness. The promises made about this house were false and came to nothing (garden isn't shared, interconnecting doors not blocked up, repairs not completed and ive found out they don't want my name on anything legal with the house) his mum is lovely and does a lot for us but is far far too involved and has taken over many parts of my role which i hate. I can do very little without their say so.
They all obsess over my son and dont give the same attentive my 3 daughters. My 11 week old baby girl is the first girl in their family for generations.
My eldest daughters are often left out or treated differently (not too obvious mind but im their mother and I notice) My partners temper and angry outbursts are worse than ever. He has broken several doors and smashed a window by slamming the front door so hard. He has punched and kicked walls and objects more upsettingly my children's toys. Children have witnessed this.
He can be a bully and has moaned consistently about me having anything that doesn't benefit him and has pressured me for the past year to get rid if my horses.
He will lose it and yell one day making me feel like utter shit then rhe next he will be kind and sweer and supportive and tell me I csn keep them. He screams and shouts and has called me names when angry. Again the children have heard.
Hes too heavy handed with the children when hes angry and has yanked arms. Even his own son. He has never gotten on 100% with my 6 year old. Shes feisty and won't back down easily love her and he cant stand that she doesnt listen. He has screamed at her so aggressively that she hid under her bed terrified. She has, this week, asked me if we can leave and live alone just me her and her 3 siblings because he shouts too much and scares her.
My 12 year old has said she loves him but she worries he Will get so angry one time that he hurts someone here.
I am broken hearted that they feel this way and ive caused it by allowing it all to.get this far. They all love him and call him Papa and he can be so so amazing... when its good its good and hes wonderful with the children and me... weve had some truly beautiful times together....when its bad its horrendous. It used to be much more good than bad. But now its almost all bad.
He creates.such a divide between his children and mine. I had a very difficult time birthing my youngest by c second I almost died. A week after bringing her home he told me it wasn't workingand I needed to move out.
He told me i don't prioritise my children and am not a good enough mother. I suffer from depression and anxiety and PPD. These comments destroy me. Hes since retracted all this and said he never means it hes just angry but the damage is done.
There's so much more to all this but if you've read this far thank you so much buy i must be boring you now so ill try to summarise the rest.
I have lived at.this house a year and still.dont have a door key. I dont go anywhere with the children alone as he hates it. (Well.im allowed to take my eldest girls but not his children) He drinks a lot and also smokes a lot of Marajiuana. As does his father and brother (who are obviously living right here). The house often smells of weed. I've discovered its actually grown here in a shed. (Another long story) I've also recently discovered there are illegal weapons on the property. (Im reassured they are fake but if they are why are they hidden where they are) he swears he will get help for his anger but never actually does. He was very drunk once when I was pregnant and angrily pushed past ne through a door way and knocked my belly against the wall. Hes told me im mental and crazy and that if i leave I can take the 3 girls but he won't let me have my boy because he belongs with him. His parents have said the same. Hes tried to get me to stop breastfeeding my baby daughter because it impacts his bond with her. He has yelled at me because I complained about the family car smelling of weed because he smokes in it and I didnt want the kids in it. He and his parents have tried to control much of what i do. My eldest daughters aren't allowed to speak to their father on video chat unless they're shut in their rooms because he doesn't want to hear his voice.
There is so much more but this is getting so long. I dont know what to do. Im afraid of breaking up a family and not trying hard enough to fix it.
I regret not trying harder in my marriage but wouldn't change a thing because I now have my darling son and beautiful baby daughter.
Im afraid of damage caused to my kids if I stay and if I leave. Im afraid of what he is going to do if we leave. When, not if we leave.. i know we have to and im doing it for my kids. Im afraid of consequences.. im afraid what a court will do or say. Im afraid of him living close by and what could happened. Hes volatile and unpredictable and has threatened suicide.
Im so worried about taking my youngest two away from their daddy who they love. The guilt is destroying me. The guilt of staying and the guilt of going. I
Am on the council list but only band C Even though I have an eviction letter from his mum . So it could take ages to find a home.
I have an opportunity to move to another country in Europe to be with my family and the kids 4 cousins and escape and start a better life for my kids but am terrified of his response and the guilt of taking them away from him and his parents and what if the kids one day resent my choice to do so. Im not sure taking them away completely is right but are we safe here if i don't?
Im so afraid of everything. My little Boy will especially be affected as his dad has made him so dependent on him. He has slept in his room for months and my little boy is so used to his life here with him. Im terrified. I want to leave. Im going to leave I think but how....Im just so afraid if consequences and if i am definitely doing right? Am I wrong? Should I try harder to fix things and value the good and not just focus on the bad? Am I doing right or wrong by my babies for leaving? Should I stay local or take the chance ro get far far away?. I truly loved him and would have supported and helped him battle his demons but his actions have chipped away at the love and now i just feel broken. Im sorry this is so long but I dont know how to summarise it all in less words. Im just so desperate to know what i should do and how I can make a better safer and happier life for my babies and I without causing them any more hurt or damage. They are my life. Id do anything for them. What would you do?

OP’s posts: |
Choppedupapple Mon 13-Jul-20 14:36:59

Leave with all the children. Go to your family

timeforawine Mon 13-Jul-20 14:41:47

Run, as soon as you can!

VeniceQueen2004 Mon 13-Jul-20 14:43:16

You absolutely must get away from this man and get your children away from him. If you haven't the strength to do so then I'm sorry but as a minimum you should straight away speak to your elder two's father (if he is a decent man), tell him everything you have written here, and ask him to take your older two girls to live with him. They are unsafe every minute they are under this man's roof, you can't allow it.

I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope you find the strength to leave. But your children have to be at the absolute centre of every decision you make from here on out, and their best interest (all of them, including your son) is to be as far away from this abuser and his abusive family as possible.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs Mon 13-Jul-20 14:49:24

Go to the police, report the abuse and violence, contact women’s aid who will help you find accommodation. Get out of the house, taking passports and birth certificates right now. Please. This situation is horrendous and you need to get your children out and get them counselling.

HowFastIsTooFast Mon 13-Jul-20 14:56:58

OP go, as soon as you can, go be with your family. I don't have the time right now to respond to every point but your children will NOT resent you for removing them from this horrible and dangerous situation. I promise. Your boy might be upset for a while, but the older girls are old enough to understand and the little one won't know any different.

Get away, put some space and time between you. If it wakes him up and he decides he wants to make the effort to be a better person and maintain a relationship with the children then great, but that is on HIM to do, his effort to make, not yours. If his parents are sad then I'm sorry but it's just tough, they shouldn't have raised such a monster, or stood by without intervening when he's screaming and smashing the place up (presumably they know that, if you all live together?).

Many, many children grow up completely unaffected by their parents separating, but many more grow up extremely damaged from living in a hostile environment where one parent is terrified and the other is terrifying. Please please take yours somewhere that they can be happy and safe with you.

A pp makes a good point, can your older girls stay with their Dad for a bit, even if just to make the logistics of leaving with 4 kids easier?

flowers for you OP. Please keep us updated.

Itsalwayshard Mon 13-Jul-20 15:43:34

Get out of there as soon as possible "sell" your horses as I fear he may do something to them when you do leave. But get yourself out of there. You have said his mother has given you an eviction letter so they don't want you there anyway. Are you ever alone during the day that you can have a van turn up and you can quickly throw in what you need (kids favourite toys etc) and leave while they are out. My friend did this while her husband was at work it was the only way to escape his violent behaviour. Please protect yourself and your babies. flowers

TimelyManor Mon 13-Jul-20 15:48:29

Please contact Women's Aid now. Make sure you are safe. Do not let him know you want to leave.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

anotherwinkywinkybumbum Mon 13-Jul-20 16:50:00

Maybe worth getting this moved to Relationships board as there are many people there with a wealth of knowledge on how to get out safely.

You can do that by reporting this post. In fact, I'll do it for you as I know you won't mind. (Check my username flowers)

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 13-Jul-20 17:03:43

Hi Mummabearof4our2020, we've had a few people suggest that our Relationships topic would be the best place for your thread. We're going to move it over there now - hope that's okay. flowers

ConfessionsOfAChocoholic Mon 13-Jul-20 17:07:28

You need to leave this man now OP. I realise you are a victim, but for too long you have ignored and dismissed the warnings hoping he would change. You chose to have children with this man when you should have left early in the relationship. Your youngest has begged you to take them all away - listen to her, contact support groups (WA), do the right thing for your children and break free from this. You need to be strong for your kids. Good luck.

Dery Mon 13-Jul-20 21:40:07

You need to leave as soon as you possibly can. You are in an extremely abusive relationship and it is damaging your DCs.

Being brought up in this environment will do a hell of a lot more damage to them than having divorced parents. The true test of a relationship is not how good things are when your partner is behaving well - it's how awful things are when your partner is behaving badly. This sounds hellish. The nasty behaviour is the true man; not the good stuff. Plus he drinks, take drugs and there are weapons in the house. Decent men do NOT behave like this.

Do NOT discuss it with your partner or his family. He is an abuser and his family are permitting this behaviour. They will try to stop you leaving.

As PP have said: could your elder DCs' father have them for a few weeks so you can plan to get yourself and your other DCs out? Would their father help with this or would he make difficulties in you getting your DDs back?

Women's Aid should be able to help you and there is also very useful information on their website: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/ , including what to pack if you are fleeing an abusive relationship.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner
Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be able to pack in your “emergency bag”.

Some form of identification
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse – e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

However, if you are in immediate physical danger, you should just grab your DCs and go.

sunflowersandtulips50 Mon 13-Jul-20 21:49:41

your poor DC, get out of there ...i truly feel for your older DC having to deal with an abusive step father and a dope smoking family who prioritise there siblings and if you have been broken down due to abuse try and focus on your DC and leave....

Muppetry76 Tue 14-Jul-20 07:27:23

Police.

You are being abused, and prevented from leaving a property where drugs are being produced and weapons are hidden. Your dp takes drugs, cannot hold a job down, is violent towards you, your children, your property and is verbally and emotionally abusive to your dc. He is categorically NOT a good dad to any of your children.

Call/contact the police, WA etc. Do it today. Your daughter has asked you to leave this man. That's a very big ask for a terrified little girl.

Do it today.

mummyof4kids Tue 14-Jul-20 09:01:10

Please put your kids first and leave, he'll never change, his family sound awful too.
My eldest kids dad was exactly like this apart from the weapons and the best thing I did was leave, it took a violent attack and the police being called to finally get me away. The police were great and kept him away from me.
10 years on the kids hate him and only see him occasionally.
It's scary but you can do it

Anordinarymum Tue 14-Jul-20 09:04:15

LittleMissnotLittleMrs

Go to the police, report the abuse and violence, contact women’s aid who will help you find accommodation. Get out of the house, taking passports and birth certificates right now. Please. This situation is horrendous and you need to get your children out and get them counselling.

What she said.....

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